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22 Things No One Ever Tells You About Pregnancy

Where did all these freckles come from?

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1. In the early days of pregnancy, you are both pregnant and not pregnant.

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Doctors calculate pregnancy from the first day of the mother's last period. So if you're pregnant, for at least the first few days of your official pregnancy, you weren't pregnant at all.

2. Pregnancy can give you hyperrealistic porno dreams.

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Due to a heady mix of hormones and interrupted sleep, pregnancy dreams can be weird, intense, and a little bit sexy.

4. Your nose can work overtime…

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Suddenly, you can smell everything – rubbish bins and fishmongers miles and miles away. And meanwhile, on public transport, you find that you take against anyone wearing perfume.

5. ...and then stop working.

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On the other hand, there is such a thing as pregnancy rhinitis, where the sheer volume of extra blood in your body causes your nasal tissues to swell and make breathing uncomfortable.

7. At some point you will be too big for regular clothes and too small for maternity clothes.

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You won't be able to squeeze into your favourite jeans, and maternity ones will slide right off you.

8. Your cravings may be inconsistent.

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You want pizza. You need pizza. You buy pizza. All of a sudden, the very thought of pizza makes you throw up all over yourself. All in a day's work for the pregnant woman.

9. You may have more saliva than you know what to do with.

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No one really knows what causes excess salivation during pregnancy, only that it occurs more often in women with heartburn and morning sickness. Oh, and talking of morning sickness...

14. Your attitude to sex may change. And change again. And again.

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You may be too nauseous for sex in the first three months. In the second trimester your libido may become very "healthy". In the third trimester the logistics of sex may be beyond you, since at this point you're basically Miley Cyrus and the wrecking ball in the "Wrecking Ball" video.

16. You'll really miss sleeping on your belly.

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Especially in the third trimester when you require three pillows and some sort of crane to get into bed comfortably.

17. It's okay not to want everyone to touch your belly.

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For some reason, some people think pregnant women's bellies are public property. You are allowed to feel exactly the same about someone running up and touching your pregnant body as you would someone touching your non-pregnant body.

18. You will start to count things in weeks, not months.

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That's fine – your doctor will do it, after all. And it's fun to tell people you're 196 days pregnant, and let them try to work it out in their heads.

19. Your ultrasound photo may freak you out.

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Don't worry, that's just what ultrasounds look like. My baby looked like a grinning demon-clown-doll in his ultrasound photo, and now he looks like a cherub.

21. Feeling the baby move will be weird…

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It can feel like a goldfish swimming around in your belly. You may think it's gas. Then you see it, and it's like something out of Alien.

22. ...and then wonderful.

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Once you get used to the wriggling, it all starts to become real. There is an actual little life in there, and suddenly you can't wait to meet them.

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