2. Your first smellpiphany.
Whether you catch a whiff of damp smoker on a rainy day, or you breathe in your own smoke-saturated hair, one day it finally hits you: you don’t smell of shampoo and CK One at all. You reek of stale ashtrays. And CK One. Basically you smell like all of N-Dubz at 14.
3. Nocturnal self-diagnosis.
You spring awake at midnight, somehow knowing that you’ve contracted gangrene of the heart, or lung-measles. You swear solemnly to Odin and all the gods of Asgard that, if they’ll just spare your life, you’ll definitely quit smoking in the morning.
6. Almost instant regret!
You are a monster. What did cigarettes ever do to you, other than make you smell bad and threaten to significantly shorten your life? They were your best friends, and you ruthlessly cast them aside. Consumed with guilt, you cry at random intervals, unstoppably, and snottily.
10. Second-hand smoking.
You befriend smokers so you can breathe in their fumes. You also sit too close to them and inhale too noisily. It gets a little weird.
12. The discovery (and subsequent rejection) of Haribo.
Sour, fizzy sweets go some way to quenching those scratchy, back-of-the-throat nicotine cravings, but you have to cut back when all the sugar wears your teeth down to blackened stumps. Then you discover that carbonated water works pretty well on cravings, too. So now you have no teeth, and you burp a lot. Life is a journey.
14. The dreamtime.
Your dreams take on a new dimension. Whatever you’re doing in your dream - flying, hunting for tea towels, actually being Doctor Who - you also take up dream-smoking. This happens so often that your morning ritual now involves patting yourself down for lighters, and checking your room for ashtrays.
15. The paradigm shift.
The subtle benefits of not smoking creep up on you. Food tastes amazing, you can now gasp in huge lungfuls of air when you exercise. Cigarette breaks are a thing of the past, so you don’t have to leave the warm pub until home-time, and long-haul flights no longer involve counting down the seconds till your next cigarette.
Are you actively enjoying not smoking?
16. Inflation appreciation.
It dawns on you that, very soon, a packet of 20 cigarettes will soon cost £10. TEN WHOLE BRITISH POUNDS. Do you know what you can buy for ten British pounds? Other than cigarettes, I mean?
What you can buy for ten whole British pounds.
118th of an all-inclusive holiday in the Maldives.
17. Your second smellpiphany.
One day, something in the air makes you cough. What’s going on? Are you on fire? Did you inhale a bee? Nope, you’re just standing near a smoker. You’ve been off the snouts so long that cigarette smoke doesn’t smell like cigarettes anymore - it just smells like smoke.