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5 Reasons Your Zombie Survival Plan Is Doomed To Fail

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that everyone has at some time or another thought about their Zombie Preparedness Plan. But guess what? That finely crafted contingency plan of yours is ultimately DOOMED to fail. In the event of the actual zombie apocalypse, 90% of us are screwed and here’s why.

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1. You stay in the city.

The population of New York City: 8.3 million. The population of Los Angeles: 3.8 million. Hell the population of Walla Walla, Washington is over 31,000 people. That is a lot of hungry mouths to feed, and all of them want to eat you.

Yes, supplies will be plentiful in the cities, but can you get to them? Since most city folk don’t have the space in their closet-sized apartments to prepare for a total collapse of the social order, eventually you WILL run out of food. Armed with that baseball bat or replica weapon, you’ll bravely sneak across the street to the store and run into a horde of hostiles on aisle seven.

2. You leave the city.

“But you said…”

Look, I know what I just said about staying in the city, but let’s face it: Daniel Boone you are not. Urbanites are used to having their favorite delivery services on speed dial. How many of us even own camping gear or any of the necessary equipment that might be needed to survive long enough to reach sanctuary? Answer: yeah, most of us will be dead before the first frost hits.

It won’t be the infected that get you if you make it out alive. It’ll be hypothermia, dehydration, a poisonous snake, or those delicious looking berries you found on the side of the highway.

3. Your neighbors are assholes.

Some of us will be better off than others. If you’re lucky enough to live in a remote area with access to fresh water, game, and supplies of food and ammunition, then you might get on all right for a while.

But no matter how calm or prepared you are, you still might be fucked. Why? Because people panic and that makes them act like jerks sometimes. Your neighbor is just as capable of shooting you in the face for that cup of sugar as asking for it politely.

4. You don't know how to drive stick.

It’s going to happen and at the worst possible time too. The infected will be at your heels so you’ll take shelter in an abandoned car. That car will have at least enough gas to get you to safety, but you’ll still be fiddling with the gear stick as the first hostile crashes through the windshield.

You’ll die hating everyone that has ever told you that learning to drive manual was a useless skill.

5. You opt for the boat plan. Really!?

Ah, the boat plan. Everybody loves the boat plan. Look, I think it’s great too, but there are a lot of problems with it that no one ever considers.

* Things break on boats. All the time. If you don’t have the parts, the knowledge, or the necessary amount of duct tape to repair it, you’ll have to come back to shore. Hopefully you’re close enough to swim back.

* Boats need to be supplied and often. Since there aren’t many fill-up stations in the middle of the Atlantic, you’ll have to fight your way inland for the necessaries and fight your way back out again.

*Pirates (because zombies weren’t enough to worry about). Come on, did you really think you were the only one with a boat plan?