"I was once the VICTIM of a TV prank show. I was tricked into signing the release papers at the beginning, so when all the cameras were revealed, I was utterly mortified. I would say the real embarrassment came when the episode aired. I told NO ONE. The second my face hit the screen, the phone calls and texts started rolling in. I really tried to deny it, but my one friend who actually had DVR when it first came out kept sending me screenshots of my face. 'That is totally you!'
"I have legit fears that they'll do a random rerun of the series. And, NO — don't ask me what show it was... I'm still trying to block it from my memory."
"I was wearing one of those push-up bra insert chicken cutlet things. I didn't know you had to use sticky stuff to adhere it; I just thought you placed it in your bra.
"It fell out through the bottom of my shirt while I was juggling."
"Let me start by saying that my vision is terrible. I need glasses in order to function like a real human. I also can't wear contacts. I studied theater in college and always had trouble during show week because I couldn't wear my glasses in costume.
"I was in a show my junior year where I had to walk up to the edge of the stage and sit down. During the last technical rehearsal, I walked to what I thought was the edge...and fell right into the orchestra pit. I even broke a bass drum. From then on, our set designer put glow tape on the edge of the stage whenever I was in a show, and our drummer would constantly ask if I was going to be near the orchestra pit."
"I wanted to see the movie Enigma about Alan Turing during WWII. An overly confident preteen, I walked up to the ticket booth and said, 'Three tickets for Enema, please!'
"This picture has lived in my parents' house for years. My younger brother thinks it's so funny that he recently had it put on T-shirts for my birthday. He then secretly distributed the T-shirts to my family, my best friends, and their husbands. That alone would have been enough, but soon everyone started checking in on Facebook wearing these shirts. I was everywhere! This picture will now never die. Touché, little brother. Touché."
"I was meeting my roommate's mom for the first time. She and my roomie were sharing the story of a man who was digging inside his nose in the car next to them just minutes prior. They were super grossed out, but I was deeply engaged -- and also drinking a peppermint mocha frap. When they finally revealed the man had proceeded to munch on his mucus with the joy of someone eating their favorite chips, I exploded laughing...and spit out all my coffee in my roommate's mother's face. It was probably the grossest day of her life."
"In middle school, we had a game where we'd try to sneak cheese puffs onto people's chairs so they'd sit on them. We'd come up with excuses to make someone stand up and would slip the food onto their chair when they weren't looking.
"We were discussing the subtleties of the game when my friend suddenly asked me if I was taller than her. As I stood up, she took her chocolate cupcake and exaggeratedly put it on my seat. She wasn't being sneaky, she was joking.
"I don't know why, but my brain went into instinct mode. Without thinking about it, I slammed down into my seat, I guess hoping to beat the cupcake there? But nope. I squashed the chocolate cupcake all over my jeans.
"A teacher lent me a sweater to tie around my waist for the rest of the day."
"While car shopping, I saw a car that had its windows open but its doors locked. I wanted to see inside and sit in it, so I did what any genius would do: reached in the window and unlocked the car from the inside. I opened the door and set off the alarm. Turns out, the car wasn't even for sale."
"I was with some of my friends at a taping of our favorite radio show. During the commercial break, we all scattered to get beverages, use the restroom, et cetera. I grabbed a quick refreshment and then went to the restroom. I recognized the shirt of the guy at the stall next to me -- it was my buddy Colin! Being the friendly friend I am, I gave him a little tap on the butt, only to see a middle-aged man turn around in horror. I began apologizing profusely, only to hear my friend call out, 'Clark?' in the other stall.
"Ever since then, I haven't been nearly as gracious with my butt taps."
"It was my first year teaching. I wanted to show the class a picture of cellular cleavage (you know, cell division). So I typed 'cleavage' into the image search bar. The pictures that came up were not at ALL what I had intended. The boys' jaws dropped open. I could not hit the back button fast enough."
"One day when I was in fifth grade, they separated all the boys from the girls. The boys went off with our principal to learn about contraception. So here's this, like, 50-year-old dude putting a condom on a banana, and I ask when the stork gets involved and why you have to use a banana.
"I've been mostly single ever since."
"When I first moved to L.A., I was at a casting for a country music video (this story gets even more embarrassing, believe it or not). The audition involved confidently sauntering up to a chair and straddling it. The casting director pressed record, and I gave my best cowgirl strut. When I went to straddle the chair, my pants audibly (and visibly) ripped open. I screamed, turned bright red, and fell off the chair. The panel of people watching the casting sat there stone faced as I tried to collect/conceal myself while pathetically scooting out of the room.
"Every now and then it dawns on me that this video might still exist out there somewhere."