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What REALLY Goes On Inside A Gay Person's Head. (My Experiences As A Young Homosexual Male)

Hi. I’m Eggs. I’m a 16 year old motivational speaker currently living in the U.S. I recently found out I was homosexual, and have been attempting to inform people of LGBT awareness by writing down my experiences and thougts that have been running through my mind before and after coming out. I wanted to post some of the work I’ve done in hopes that someone will give me feedback on how it works so far. Thank you, and have a great day!

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"I'm Gay." My thoughts and experiences as a young, homosexual male.

Before you read this;

Thank you.

Thank you for taking the time to read about my journey, but..

I wanted to say that this is in no way saying that my parent’s hated gay people.

I was almost positive they didn’t care either way.

It’s coming out what really gets a person.

Coming out is something you never think to do in your life.

The build up and tension and stress and anxiety that surrounds a member of an LGBT member is what this is all about. NOTE: In order to protect my own identity, I decided not to use my real name in the actual experiences. Instead, my name is replaced with “Eggs”, as that’s my “nickname” to my group of friends. ----------------------------

I'm gay.

I've been gay my whole life.

You know, when we're kids and have sexual thoughts. We never knew what those meant as kids, they just felt.. Satisfying.

I didn't know I was gay until I was around 13 or 14 years old.

I was masturbating. To men. And as I finished, I looked at the pornography I was watching. And then, it hit me.

I was watching gay porn. I had just masturbated to gay porn. This thought literally hit my mind a year after I began watching it, and for the next 2 years, I began contemplating.

"I'm not gay.. Am I?" I would ask myself. "I'm not actually.. Am I?"

I constantly forced myself over and over to try and feel attracted to woman.

However, it hadn't dare crossed my mind to watch straight porn.

My first female crush was when I was in the 5th grade. I actually felt attraction to a woman for the first time. I know her today, still.

It doesn't have the same affect than it did, though.

I look at her and still see a beautiful woman, but not one I would want to date.

I didn't know what bisexuality was at the time, so naturally, I was stuck at an edge.

I watched gay porn, yet still felt attracted to girls???

I contemplated whether I was gay or straight for a long time.

And THIS is my story.

----------------------------

6 AM. I wake up. I eat breakfast. I head to the morning classes. I hang out with my friends. I come home. I sleep.

Sounds normal, right?

According to society, it's not.

Why?

Because I am homosexual.

According to society, I cannot do those things because I have a different love interest than the majority.

----------------------------

"Here's your pay for helping me with the yard.." My father would say, walking into my room. I would take out my headphones and look at the wad of money in his hands. Taking it, I smile and say thank you. I turn back around to the blog I'm reading. But he doesn't leave.

He watches me.

I can feel his presence, and he's just watching.

"..What are you reading..?" He finally breaks the silence. I wait to answer, hoping he'll get the message that I don't want to talk about it.

"..Something on otters and how they can be endangered by our everyday actions." I say. He doesn't seem to care. Good.

"Why is this so.. Pastel?"

There it is.

The question about my feminine side.

The question I get everyday.

He was referring to my second monitor's background, with the flowers.

"..I don't know.." I answer him. "I like it like that.."

He doesn't say anything after that. He watches for a little while longer, then leaves.

----------------------------

"Eggs.."

I look up.

"Eggs.." My grandfather repeats. "One day.. I'm gonna see your books in Barnes N Nobles."

My face turned red at his comment.

He was holding a short one-shot I wrote for him.

He really loved my writing.

"And when I do.." He continues. "Make sure you put my name in there.." He laughs. I smile and laugh a bit too..

I just wish I could've told him who I was before he passed.

----------------------------

Coming out to someone is basically telling them a secret you've been holding you're entire life.

They either take it one of three ways:

1. They tell you it's not okay.

2. They tell you they love and support you.

3. They tell you they really couldn't care either way.

So far, of all the people I've told in classes, they've all been #2.

I was just worried about what my parents would say.

----------------------------

"Eggs, what's with this picture you posted on social media? Why is it so girly?"

"Eggs, why are you shaving there??"

"Eggs, why are you so frilly when you text?"

"Eggs, why does your room have all these colorful posters around it?"

"Eggs, why was there a skirt in your drawer..?"

----------------------------

I couldn't take it anymore.

Each day the anxiety of my parents' reactions were killing me.

Tears would come to my eyes as I saw a cute guy in public. I would be forced to push those tears back in fear of having a meltdown in public.

Stories of how kids' parents would tell them to get out of their house after telling them that they were homosexual ate me from the inside out.

Was I gay?

Was I straight?!

What the hell was I?!

----------------------------

5 AM. I wake up. I check my phone.

"Breaking News: Homosexual night club shot up, over 50 killed."

30 minutes ago.

Immediately, I throw the phone down.

8 AM.

My parents are watching the reports of the shootings. I'm watching and listening from the kitchen.

They're watching silently.

My mom stands up and stretches.

"That's terrible.." The words escape her mouth.

----------------------------

I walk out of my room and towards the living room.

Heading down the hall, I see my brother and his girlfriend cuddling.

Tears well up in my eyes.

I head back to my room before anything else.

----------------------------

"D-Dad!" I yell. I had a napkin over a part of my leg. It was bleeding. "Dad, I need help!"

He comes out and looks at me.

"What happened?!"

I wasn't gonna tell him I was shaving my legs.

Instead, I remove the napkin and reveal the deep razor burn.

He takes a closer look.

"How did this happen?!"

I don't answer.

He looks up at me.

"Were you shaving your legs?!"

"..Yeah.."

He stares at me for a few seconds, before saying the words I thought he would never say.

"What is wrong with you?!"

He leaves the room.

He doesn't help me at all.

----------------------------

"I'm gay.." I say to her face.

She doesn't say anything. My brother is sitting right next to her, but she doesn't say anything. Eventually.. She just laughs.

"No, you're not.." My mother says to me.

I was confused.

"What?" I say.

"Eggs, how can you tell you're gay? You're 15.." She laughs.

"Because I feel attraction to men, mom.."

"Eggs, honey, it's probably just a phase.."

My brother told me after that he didn't care.

----------------------------

That night, I had to talk to my mom about this.

I head to her room and sit down next to her.

"Can we talk?" I begin.

"About what?"

"Do you WANT me to be gay..?"

For the next 45 minutes, my mother and I had a conversation on my past experiences about having gay thoughts.

I told her everything that's been stuck to me since I was 13.

Then, she said the words that changed my life forever.

"But.. Will you still love me..?" I ask her.

"Eggs, you're my son. I'll love you no matter what."

I started crying. And she held me. She was smiling. I was crying.

She accepted me.

The buildup was gone.

Then, she asked me if I had any celebrity crushes.

I felt amazing.

A weight had been lifted off my chest that hasn't been felt in years.

..But it wasn't over yet.

There was still one last person I needed to tell.

If you've made it this far, thank you so much for reading. This is, unfortuneately, all I have so far. I have more thoughts and other things stashed in the back of my mind I'm hoping to put on this post and inform others of the thoughts and other insane mind games that go on in LGBT member's heads. I want to once again say thank you for reading, and would highly appreciate your feedback. As a motivational speaker, it's one of my goals to get this as far as possible, giving others an idea of how we think every day. Thank you so much for reading, and stay strong. ❤️❤️

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