The Jonah Ryan Guide To Being A Complete Douchebag

Veep’s biggest jerk illustrates exactly what not to do.

Here’s the 20-part Jonah Ryan guide to being a douchebag.

1. Display an attitude of superiority and an inflated sense of self at work.


2. Have a knack for using horrible pickup lines.


3. Simply refuse to accept the fact that people really just don’t like you.

HBO / Via

4. Brag about your life credo (and where you have it tattooed). / Via HBO

Work hard, play hard, bitches.

5. Hit on people with whom you have absolutely no chance.

HBO / Via

6. Give orders to people who hate you like this:

HBO / Via

7. Make people uncomfortable with your Madras shorts.

HBO / Via

8. Refrain from washing your hands after going to the bathroom in order to increase your chances of picking up a lady friend.

HBO / Via

9. Hit on someone while that person is on a date, in front of that person’s date.


He’s not mentally ill, if that’s what you’re implying.

10. Get creative when you address people.

11. Go in for the awkward embrace.

HBO / Via

12. Rub your coworker’s impending doom in his or her face.

HBO / Via

13. Deliver more bad pickup lines.

14. Ask bad questions.

HBO / Via

15. Drop inappropriate film references.


16. Get a little artful and disgusting when sizing up what needs to be done in a situation.

HBO / Via

17. Get in touch with your visceral side.

HBO / Via

“This is like being operated on by a chimp with a hard-on and a hacksaw!”

18. If you get fired, insult people’s moms.

19. Run a news blog while knowing nothing about journalism.

“OK, but we just, we put it out there. And then something will arrive that backs it up, right? That’s just Journalism 101.”

20. And when all else fails, straight up demand respect. / Via HBO

Finally, the most important thing to remember about Jonah?

HBO / Via

He’s the world’s biggest single-celled organism. J Diddy, ladies get giddy. Or not. Definitely not.

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