It was a Saturday night. My favorite time of day. My favorite day of the week. The best four years of my life....damn...how fast they were flying by. So there we were. Me and Kev and all the new pledges were heading out, hoping to snag a Theta.
We get to Pi Kappa Alpha and the party is already poppin. They were playing Closer by the Chainsmokers. I had a massive hard on. Things were going great.
I'm chilling with the bros. Yeah, yeah it's true. We had been hoping to get some action tonight....but I'm not rushing things. Just scoping out the scene, ya know? The beer is cold. The ratio is good. Life is great.
Chaz starts freaking out which, like, first off let me just say is absolutely textbook Chaz. Anyway, he's all bugging out because too many thots are getting into Pi Kappa and they're worried that it's gonna damage the reputation of the house.
So then some bro is like maybe we should start charging ugly girls to come into the party? And everyone is agreeing with this bro and I was like, I have a mom! I have a sister and I hate her! I won't stand for this.
I decide to stand up for what's right. I pull through with the most clutch suggestion ever. What if we select people to vote in each state at a general election to choose a slate of "electors" pledged to vote for a party's candidate? And then all the girls will be hot.
"Genius, PJ!" "PJ...you're a genius!" Those are just some of the many compliments the bros were giving me.
I then add that we need an absolute majority of electoral votes among the states, I mean houses. Once again, I'm showered with compliments.
I've allowed southern states to keep their voting power! No thots in Pi Kappa!
Anyway, shortly after that I did coke, slept with Mary (...finally ), flipped a porta potty, dry humped said porta potty, bought twenty goldfish, threw up, and then had sex with Kev and blacked out. Not necessarily in that order.
CRAZIEST. NIGHT. EVER.