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8 Things My Mom Could Have Sworn She Left On At Home

A list of things our family had to turn the car around for to make sure they were off.

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1. The Coffee Machine

This one's pretty obvious. My family values their morning time and their ability to make it through the day on artificial energy. They are the epitome of those people that phrases like "I Am A Gremlin In Its' Feeblest Form Until I've Had My Morning Coffee. After That I Am Strong. Big Like Oxe. Mighty Like God." are marketed to. If my mom left the coffee machine on, you can bet your sweet butt we're turning this 4 door Honda Civic around. Preserve the beans, preserve my family's will to live.

2. The Toaster

If we're turning around for the coffee machine, it should go without saying we're turning around for the toaster, too. The coffee machine is the steel briefcases of our Deal or No Deal, whereas the toaster is our Howie Mendel. The cornerstone of our breakfast. Without our perfectly charred bread, my mom would go absolutely insane, and we can't have that. Better to pull a U-Turn on the highway than let our J.C. Penneys Four Piece Toaster remain plugged in and burn down the entire house.

3. The Stove

Don't even get my mom started on the stove. If she knew she had left the house with this on, she would never forgive herself. Guess it goes without saying we have to cut off this semi trying to turn left so we can swerve our way across this intersection.

4. The Iron

The Iron! Oh God, did my mom forget to turn the iron off before we left? This is an absolute no-no. A sin in the house of Gates. Leaving the iron on would be like if my mom showed me a James Franco movie she thought was really funny and quoted the entire thing from beginning to end. Absolutely impossible. The iron would never be left on because it is one of the only things my mom cares about... And she swear she didn't leave it on.... But maybe we should turn around just to make sure?

5. The Fridge

Now, this is an odd one because technically you can't leave the fridge "on." It's always on. But somewhere down the line, my mom got it stuck in her head that "always on" translates to "panic really loud in the passenger seat about the state of our kitchen appliances and make everyone in the car really anxious." I never worried about the fridge. Until my mom had a melt down as we drove further and further away from our quaint little suburban home. If the fridge is running, so is our car. Right back in to the arms of our 2 door garage.

6. The Garage Door

Speaking of garages, if we leave rural Iowa with ours open, my mom is certain robbers will break in and steal the dog. She's drilled this in to our head so hard, that my brother has started to worry about his dog. 800 miles away and no where near our childhood home. The world is definitely ending if our garage doors are open. My mom is sure of it.

7. The TV

The TV and the lights are categorized in to two classes: things we can leave on for the dogs to watch, but probably shouldn't as they tend to drive our electricity bill up. This is sort of a 50/50 thing to leave on in my house. On one hand, my mom likes that her soap operas may portray to potential robbers that yes, an incredibly dysfunctional family is home right now. On the other, she knows if she leaves it on she'll miss an entire episode of Days Of Our Lives, which is fine if the TV is turned off. If it's on, she feels her friends are having a party without her, and that's no good.

8. The Curling Iron

My mom is a pretty woman and she knows it. She just recently got in to curling her hair because she wants to look like a cute, older Shirley Temple. And she does. So if the curling iron is kept on and somehow, inadvertently, starts a terrible fire in my home, my mom's spirits would be crushed. We can leave home with almost all of the previous things listed turned on, but never the curling iron. Teach a girl to curl, she'll be happy all week. But teach a girl her favorite hairstyling item is actually a dangerous weapon threatening to rip all her worldly possessions away from her, she'll forcibly whip this car around and won't want to hear another word out of the backseat.

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