Two Wrestling Fans And A Non-Fan Predict What's Going To Happen At WrestleMania
"I don't think these matches are HR approved."
by , ,
WrestleMania 34 is happening this Sunday and it's kind of a big deal for wrestling fans all over the world. It's the Super Bowl of professional wrestling, and this year's match card is hyped up to be one of the greatest of all time.
Chris and I, both longtime wrestling fans, will use our expert pro wrestling analysis to predict the winners for every match on the card.
We will also have
Pablo, a clueless, non-wrestling fan who HAS NEVER SEEN THE PRODUCT, give us his valuable insight and predictions as well.
We are expecting 14 matches for a 7-hour show. So, without further ado, LET'S. DO. THIS?
Universal Champion Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns
Norberto Briceño: I hate Roman Reigns, and as much as I want Lesnar to win, the UFC is not gonna have one of their fighters walking down the aisle with a WWE title over his shoulder. Winner: Roman Reigns Chris Hudspeth: I can't imagine this match ending in any other way than Roman Reigns winning and hoisting up the title to a chorus of boos from a bunch of angry fans who have an (odd) obsession with hating him. Winner: Roman Reigns
Pablo Valdivia: Roman looks like a hot telenovela villain and basically has a drag name, so you know he’ll give you a PERFORMANCE. Brock Lesnar on the other hand sounds like the name of a crooked attorney who advertises his services in on Craigslist. Winner: Roman Reigns
WWE Champion AJ Styles vs. Shinsuke Nakamura
NB: Real talk: Nakamura has not had a mind-blowing match in WWE since his NXT Takeover debut. WrestleMania is his chance to shine and I hope he takes advantage of it and delivers a 5-star performance. I'm going with the King of Strong Style. Winner: Shinsuke Nakamura CH: I could see AJ vs. Shinsuke going either way, but ultimately the real winners will be the fans who’ll get an A+ match. If I had to guess, I wouldn’t bet against Shinsuke’s wave of dominance. Winner: Shinsuke Nakamura
PV: If there were a winner's belt (is it a belt, IDK) for most extra facial expressions, Nakamura would take it home. Unfortunately for him, that face will get fucked up when AJ slaps that smug look right off. Winner: AJ Styles
John Cena vs. The Undertaker (Not yet official, but c'mon)
NB: I was there at WrestleMania 30 when The Undertaker lost his undefeated streak against Brock Lesnar. Then I saw him lose against Roman Reigns at WrestleMania 33, in a match that that can only be described as Old Yeller being put to sleep. Taker is a legend in wrestling, but he should retire. There's nothing left to prove. Winner: John Cena CH: John Cena has a movie coming out two days before WrestleMania ( Blockers) so he’s already winning in life. There’s no reason for him to continue burning young, up-and-coming talent like The Undertaker. Winner: The Undertaker
PV: Cena is a certified movie star with a body that can wrestle me any day (call me, John), but he’s way too Hollywood now. The Undertaker has really stuck to that possessed, emo/goth aesthetic we all managed to outgrow in 2008, and for that, I respect him. Winner: The Undertaker
Kurt Angle and Ronda Rousey vs. Stephanie McMahon and Triple H
NB: Look. Ronda has a lot of work to do. The transition from UFC to WWE is not an easy one and she's unpolished on the mic. But she has an intensity in her eyes that I can get behind. And she seems genuinely happy to be inside the squared circle. So, I'm going with her. Winners: Kurt Angle and Ronda Rousey CH: I didn’t think Sting would lose his first and only WrestleMania match against Triple H a few years back, but I’d underestimated Triple H’s ego. Still, I think there’s a zero percent chance Ronda Rousey loses her debut match, because c’mon. Winners: Ronda Rousey and Kurt Angle
PV: OK, so I saw the video where Rousey challenged McMahon and all I gotta say is, WHO’S DRAFTING UP THESE DAMN CONTRACTS?! Are they legally sound? Do I need a law degree to watch WWE? Oh, and McMahon also sucker punched Rousey and literally ran away, so she’s cancelled forever. Own your shit or don’t do it at all. Winners: Kurt Angle and Ronda Rousey
Daniel Bryan & Shane McMahon vs. Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn
NB: I legit shed a tear when Daniel Bryan announced that he was retiring from in-ring performance two years ago. But now that he's been medically cleared and back in action, I'm gonna be doing the "YES!" chant until my arms fall off. YES! YES! YES! Winners: Daniel Bryan and Shane McMahon CH: This is another toss up, because Owens and Zayn are obviously not going to be fired, but Daniel Bryan losing his inspiring return match would be odd. I’m thinking Owens and Zayn wind up moving to Raw after taking a loss. Winner: Daniel Bryan and Shane McMahon.
PV: Does every WWE wrestler double as a general manger (I’m talking ’bout you, Dan)? If so, I don’t think these matches are HR approved. I have no real opinion about any of these people, but Owens is a thicker than molasses, and any thick man is a winner in my eyes. Winners: Kevin Owens & Sami Zayn
SmackDown Women’s Champion Charlotte Flair vs. Asuka
NB: Asuka has been WRECKING through the Women's division since day one. I'm all about Asuka and her "I'm gonna murder you" face. Charlotte might be a queen, but Asuka is a damn killer. Winner: Asuka CH: ASUKA WILL NOT BE STOPPED. She’s done nothing but dominate since arriving, and I think she’ll come out on top of a hard fought battle. Winner: Asuka
PV: Asuka is a queer icon. I’m declaring it now. She gives me costumes, she serves face, and she knows she’s better than you and I combined. After this whole wrestling thing is over, I’m gonna need her to show these pop queens what a true visual artist looks like. Winner: Asuka
SmackDown Tag Team Champions The Usos vs. The New Day vs. The Bludgeon Brothers (Triple Threat Match)
NB: I love the Usos. Whether they're babyfaces (good guys) or heels (bad guys), they ALWAYS put on a great match. I would like to see them retain the titles for the long run. But I have a sneaking suspicion that Vince McMahon wants to crown the Bludgeon Brothers as the new monster tag team. Winners: Bludgeon Brothers CH: The Usos have been phenomenal since turning heel, and the Bludgeon Brothers are fantastic, but I think we’re getting another New Day title run before they inevitably split up and Big E becomes the dominant singles competitor we all know he could be. Winners: The New Day
PV: This amount of people is already giving me anxiety. IDK how it’s fair that New Day gets three people but the other two teams get two, so I’m counting them out ’cause I don’t stand for cheaters. The Bludgeon Brothers name reminds me of when people name their chihuahuas “Monster” or some shit like that, so they’re out. Winners: The Usos
Intercontinental Champion The Miz vs. Seth Rollins vs. Finn Bálor
NB: The Miz and Seth Rollins are already well-established stars in WWE. Finn Balor, on the other hand, has not had that star-making moment that puts him on the map (His promising Universal Championship reign in 2016 was cut short due to injury). Hopefully, that'll change at WrestleMania. Winner: Finn Balor CH: As remarkable as The Miz has been of late, I don’t think he walks out with the belt (nor does he need a title to continue to be entertaining). This is the only time I’ll root against Seth Rollins, because I want him to be competing for the Universal Championship instead. I think it’s Finn’s time. Winner: Finn Balor
PV: In the match between a forgotten member of Mumford and Sons, Zac Efron in sunglasses, and Jesus Christ, Jesus will obviously take home the gold. That is all. Winner: Seth Rollins
United States Champion Randy Orton vs. Bobby Roode vs Jinder Mahal vs. Rusev
NB: This one is easy. WrestleMania is on Rusev Day. It's destiny. Winner: Rusev CH: WrestleMania falls on Rusev Day, so there’s only one possible outcome, right? Winner: Rusev
PV: Never in my life have I said “You know what this four-way needs? Death.” There are also six people in this picture so I’m extremely confused and mildly angry. Based solely on their beards, Rusev would win. But I like underdogs and I don’t trust Chris’ opinion, soooo… Winner: Bobby Roode
Andre the Giant Memorial Battle Royal
NB: I honestly don't know who the hell is gonna win this. Like, who needs the win? EVERYBODY. So, I'm gonna go with Matt Hardy. Winner: Matt Hardy CH: I’ve never correctly guessed who would win the Andre The Giant Memorial Battle Royal, so I’m not going to choose Matt Hardy, because that’s who I’m rooting for. Winner: Elias
PV: Cool. Six people, again. Y’all really into some damn wrestling orgies. No disrespect to Andre, of course. The dude in the middle looks like he stans for Thor, and there’s no one more powerful than the God of Thunder. Winner: Thor light
The first-ever WrestleMania Women’s Battle Royal Match
NB: My guess is that Sasha Banks and Bayley are gonna eliminate each other, so neither one is gonna win. Becky Lynch is a star who's been floundering for a bit. She needs this win more than anyone else. Winner: Becky Lynch CH: Nobody in the women’s division is more deserving of a big win on a grand stage than Becky Lynch. Winner: Becky Lynch
PV: OK, eight people. I’m done with you all. I’m glad to see women in the spotlight though. The WWE site told me Naomi used to be a background dancer for Flo Rida and I love a multi-talented legend. Welcome to the winner’s house. Winner: Naomi
Sheamus & Cesaro vs. Braun Strowman and ???
NB: Even though I was wary of this tag team in the beginning, I've grown to love Sheamus and Cesaro. They're so damn entertaining, on the mic and in the ring. But their time is up. I don't think Braun is gonna get a tag partner. He's gonna win the championships on his own. Winner: Braun Strowman CH: Let’s be real, it doesn’t matter who Braun’s partner is, it’s foolish to bet against him. Winner: Braun Strowman
PV: I love a surprise twist. The group on the left can tag team me any day, but drama will always come out on top. Winner: Braun Strowman and the question mark
Raw Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss vs. Nia Jax
NB: Nia Jax deserves the win. I'm also over Alexa's title reign. Let's shake things up in the RAW women's division. Winner: Nia Jax CH: I could see this being the beginning of the Nia Jax era, but I could also see Alexa extending her run and continuing to build her legacy. If I had to guess, which I do… Winner: Alexa Bliss
PV: A WWE announcer in some blurry video I just watched read aloud one of Bliss’ tweets that said she has no feelings, and I can relate. You can’t be defeated when you’re already dead on the inside. Winner: Alexa Bliss
Cedric Alexander vs. Mustafa Ali (WWE Cruiserweight Championship Tournament Finals)
NB: I like Cedric Alexander. He'll be a top dog on the main roster someday. But lately, Mustafa Ali has been winning me over with his charismatic promos and in-ring performances. This dude deserves to be champion. Winner: Mustafa Ali CH: This match is going to be pretty incredible and I hope it gets the respect and appreciation it deserves. Another tough one to predict, as both Cedric and Mustafa are awesome talents worthy of the Cruiserweight Championship. Winner: Cedric Alexander
PV: Mustafa is dressed like a Power Ranger, and I can fully admire that. But when it comes to wrestling, shirtless men reign supreme in this kingdom. Sorry prince, but your reign is over. Winner: Cedric Alexander BuzzFeed Daily
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