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    Jan 30, 2015

    This Is What It's Like To Watch "Mean Girls" For The First Time

    After years of hearing people quote the living hell out of this movie, I finally sat down to watch it. The experience was...not exactly "fetch."

    In 2004, a movie came out that would be quoted over and over again until our ears bled. This movie was Mean Girls.

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    I have never watched it because...it's not my cup of tea. But people constantly keep saying, "OMG! YOU NEED TO WATCH THIS MOVIE! IT'S SO GOOD!"

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    Someone even called it "the Citizen Kane of our generation." True story.

    So, 11 years after its release, I've decided to give this movie a shot. I mean, it can't be that bad if EVERYONE loves it. Tina Fey wrote it and she's funny.

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    So here's what happened:

    The movie starts out with the Janitor from Scrubs and that lady from SNL talking to their 16-year-old daughter (played by Lindsay Lohan) before her first day of school.

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    Lindsay explains to us that she grew up in Africa and was homeschooled. And she's not weird like these kids:

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    Almost the second she steps onto campus, her fellow schoolmates start treating her like shit because, you know, high schoolers are a bunch of dicks.

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    Tina Fey brings donuts for her whole class, but Lindsay fucks that up by crashing into her.

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    Lindsay is losing some serious likability here.

    When the principal introduces "a new student from Africa," Tina Fey goes all racist and shit:

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    Ha.

    Apparently, Lindsay is struggling to make friends and get along with teachers.

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    Lindsay is struggling so much that she can't find a SINGLE GODDAMN CHAIR in the entire high school to eat her lunch. So she is forced to eat on a toilet.

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    OK, I get she's struggling to make friends, but WHO THE FUCK EATS ON A TOILET?

    We're introduced to the Emo Girl and This Guy.

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    Not gonna lie... The first impression I get from these two is that they are super annoying. Maybe they'll grow on me as the movie progresses.

    Apparently, health class is super uninformative.

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    HA!

    And then, we meet the "the Plastics." For reasons unknown, a bunch of dudes are carrying Regina George on their shoulders. The movie never addresses this mystery.

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    Observation: There are a lot of white people in this movie.

    When Regina George speaks, she comes off as someone who just stomped on a puppy.

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    And that's a good thing. Rachel McAdams just acted the shit out of that first scene. You immediately hate this character. She's a great actor.

    Also...

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    That shit was funny.

    I feel obligated to mention that the line "That's so fetch" is also said in this scene... But it's really not that funny.

    Just sayin.

    Lindsay and her friends concoct a plan where she will become friends with Regina George and report back to Emo Girl. Everyone in this movie has apparently decided to be a total dick.

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    Lindsay develops a crush on this dude aka Generic White Dude. He happens to be Regina's ex.

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    Hmm... I'm slowly losing interest in this movie...

    I don't know why but this scene is funny.

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    "Art freaks."

    Kevin Gnapoor's business card is fucking hilarious.

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    Regina drives a convertible because people who stomp on puppies tend to drive convertibles and say shit like...

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    ...Rude.

    So Lindsay goes to Regina's house and we see Amy Poehler. She does that "cool mom" line. Fuck it, I'm just gonna say it: IT'S NOT FUNNY.

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    Seriously, I don't get it.

    This dog bites Cool Mom's boobs and Lindsay is like O_o.

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    So there's this "Burn Book" where the Plastics put insulting shit about everyone in school. It's some really fucked-up shit. If Satan wrote a bible, this would be it.

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    High schoolers, man. Evil. All of them.

    Generic White Dude invites Lindsay to a costume party and tells her not to bring another dude. And she's like...

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    I may not be a fan of Lindsay's, but she delivers this line impeccably.

    While Regina George is posing in an incredibly elaborate bunny costume, her dad makes this face:

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    I feel ya, homey. I'm not enjoying myself either.

    Lindsay goes to the costume party and sees Regina George kiss Generic White Dude, who's wearing the least creative costume ever: a goddamn football uniform.

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    Generic White Dude has absolutely NO FUCKING CREATIVITY. What does Lindsay see in this dude?

    And so Lindsay, Emo Girl, and This Guy all get together and formulate a new plan to ruin Regina George because at this point, THEY'RE ALL DICKS, so why not go all the way.

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    So this movie is about dicks trying to take down other dicks. This movie is about ALL THE DICKS.

    "GLEN COCO? FOUR FOR YOU, GLEN COCO! YOU GO GLEN COCO!"

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    OK, I'll admit: I legitimately burst out laughing, so much that I spilled a bottle of beer. Why is this funny? It makes no sense AT ALL. But it's REALLY FUCKING FUNNY.

    Anyway, the original plan starts to backfire when we see Lindsay transforming into a Plastic. Hence, she's a dick, like everyone else.

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    Screw that African homeschool upbringing. THIS IS AMERICA!

    When Regina George and Generic White Dude break up, the Plastics try consoling her with fake Mexican food.

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    Truth bomb: Amanda Seyfried, Rachel McAdams, and Lacey Chabert are hilarious in this movie. They play hideous characters, but their comic timing is great.

    So Lindsay starts turning Karen and Gretchen against Regina because she's evil. At this point, while I'm still laughing at some lines, I hate ALL of the people in this movie. Everyone is SO freakishly annoying and it's hard to connect.

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    Tina Fey is still cool, though. And so is Kevin Gnapoor.

    Someone calls Regina George a fat-ass because this school is attended by awful human beings.

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    Is there not ONE LIKABLE student at this school? Like, for real.

    Lindsay throws a party at her parents' house where a bunch of random people show up, including these guys who have absolutely no respect for other people's property:

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    That's a fertility vase from the Ndebele tribe they're throwing around. SUCH DICKS.

    Emo Girl gets pissed at Lindsay even though SHE'S THE ONE WHO STARTED THIS WHOLE THING.

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    She told Lindsay to befriend Regina. She concocted the plan to ruin Regina. She technically had this coming. Also, she's yelling in the street at 1:10 in the morning. People are like trying to sleep.

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    Thank you.

    Regina George basically goes apeshit and lets everybody read the "BURN BOOK" by throwing pieces of paper all over the place. A major brawl ensues.

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    Poor janitor who has to clean up after them. Teenagers fucking suck.

    The principal stops the fight by pulling the fire alarm. For some reason, he mentions the South Side.

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    Wait... What's wrong with the South Side?

    So all the junior girls are ordered into the gym, where Tina Fey proceeds to put them in check.

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    I like Tina Fey.

    So, yada yada yada, Regina finds out that everyone hates her so she leaves school and gets run over by a bus because BUS DRIVERS IN THIS MOVIE CAN'T SEE SHIT.

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    So everyone hates Lindsay because they all think she pushed Regina into the bus. Once again, she's unable to find a single seat in the entire school so she eats lunch on the toilet.

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    STOP. EATING. ON. THE. TOILET.

    Lindsay decides to be good again, so she joins the Mathletes. And wins State. Even though she never attended a single Mathlete meeting.

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    Huh?

    She goes to Spring Fling, and SOMEHOW wins Queen (even though everybody hates her).

    What?

    She gives compliments to a few people, breaks the crown into pieces, and throws it at the plebeians because "everybody is royalty tonight."

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    ...

    And she kisses Generic White Dude because CLICHÉS!

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    Generic White Dude had ZERO problems throughout the movie. He got to be a dick and got rewarded for it.

    And that's pretty much the end of the movie.

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    It's over. Thank god.

    Conclusion: Meh. This movie is just not for me. The lines are funny, but the people in this movie are obnoxious. There's no reason to like anyone. There are absolutely no sympathetic characters in this movie.

    Except this dude:

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    This dude is the only character that gets my sympathy.

    And Kevin Gnapoor:

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    Him too.

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