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42 Things A Hypochondriac Would Never Say

"I have successfully self-diagnosed myself and have come to the conclusion that I'm perfectly fine."

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1. I have a headache... meh.

2. What's that spot on my skin? Probably nothing.

3. It's going to be OK.

4. No, doctor. I haven't been on WebMD.

5. It's probably not a tumor.

6. My back hurts... I'm sure my kidneys are fine.

7. The label on Advil says that if the headache persists for more than a week, I should consult a doctor. You're right, Advil. I'll do that first thing tomorrow morning.

8. The doctor says I'm fine... They can't possibly be wrong. I trust them 110%.

9. How about that? My lymph nodes are perfectly fine.

10. Go to the ER? No. I don't think it's that serious.

11. You're probably right. I do get a little paranoid.

12. I'm not afraid of death.

13. I'm feeling perfectly healthy.

14. I have successfully self-diagnosed myself and have come to the conclusion that I'm perfectly fine.

15. My neck and jaw feel incredibly stiff... probably slept wrong.

16. I have a tingling sensation going down my left arm... probably pinched a nerve. NBD.

17. Is that a lump? Nah.

18. I woke up in the middle of the night and was sweating... The heater was probably on too high.

19. There's no way that could ever get infected.

20. I'm not worried about it.

21. My stomach hurts real bad. Probably something I ate.

22. My stool is in excellent condition.

23. Poor Zac Efron and his appendix. I'm so glad it could never happen to me.

24. My co-worker is sick but it's probably not contagious.

25. I'm not worried about ebola.

26. I'm not worried about overdosing on marijuana. There have never been any deaths directly related to marijuana so that gives me assurance.

27. African safari? HELL YEAH!


29. Does anyone know how much a trip to the ER costs?

30. It's not serious. It's just a mild discomfort.

31. If I had to rate my pain from 1-10, I would say... 1... maybe 2...

32. Antibiotics? No thank you.

33. I'll be fine.

34. It'll go away.

35. It's probably a 24-hour flu.

36. No. It's not airborne.

37. I'm totally OK with not using condoms.

38. I'm not going to die.

39. Surgery? I DIG IT!

40. I feel great after my surgery. LET'S GET ON A PLANE!

41. Huh... There was this character on this TV show who had the exact same symptoms I have and they ended up dying... It was a great episode.

42. You're totally right... I am a hypochondriac.