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    Hey Bacon, You Suck And Sausages Are Better

    That's right: Bacon sucks!

    Real talk, yo: It's time we discuss a serious problem that has been plaguing our society for far too long. I'm talking about the over-appreciation of this:

    Getty Images/iStockphoto vikif

    Bacon, aka the most overrated food item ever, aka something reserved for ridiculously basic meat lovers, like those who say, "OMG! BACON IS MY LIFE! I'M SO UNORIGINAL!!!"

    If you love bacon, that's cool. But I'm here to inform you that you're wrong.


    That's right. You're wrong as a mofo.

    But you know what is great? You know what kicks bacon's ass any day of the week? This:

    Getty Images/Hemera Robert Lerich

    Sausages... breakfast sausages... are the embodiment of a morning orgasm.

    Let me explain to your bacon-loving ass why sausages are better than your pathetic "pork chips" you like to call bacon:

    (Ham lovers, go sit down at the kiddie table. Adults are talking).

    1. Sausages taste like victory. Bacon tastes like beef jerky.

    Getty Images/iStockphoto Barbara Helgason

    Sausages make you go, "I'm gonna conquer the day and make it my own personal sock puppet. FUCK YEAH!" Bacon makes you go, "Whatever. I don't give a shit anymore. Same old bullshit, different day." Sausages > Bacon.

    2. A great sausage will have a semi-crunchy outside, packing in some juicy and tender meat on the inside.

    Getty Images/iStockphoto Brian Jackson

    Who doesn't want to wake up to the sight and smell of that thick, gorgeous, mouth-watering, cylinder-shaped piece of meat?

    3. Bacon and eggs look like that couple on the train that are one fart away from breaking up.

    Getty Images/iStockphoto bonchan

    They don't care any more. They're uninspired. Their honeymoon period ended quite some time ago and now they're sad and pathetic. Word on the street is that bacon has moved on from eggs and is now inserting itself into pancakes and beer. New low, bacon.

    4. Sausages and eggs make a powerhouse couple filled with love, happiness, and lots of steamy juices.

    Getty Images/iStockphoto icetocker

    It's true. It's damn true. Just look how happy those eggs look next to those sexy, plump, meat-packing sausages. The two ooze sexual chemistry just waiting to get all hot and messy. The real morning sex is happening in the kitchen (FYI, toast likes to watch).

    5. Sausages cater to ALL your appetites by hitting the sweet spot, just the way you like it.

    Getty Images/iStockphoto OlgaMiltsova

    With bacon, some people like it hard. Some people like it soft. Sausages take care of all of that and then some. Bacon leaves you disappointed and wanting more. Sausages leave you delightfully satisfied.

    6. For those who don't eat pork, TURKEY SAUSAGE > TURKEY BACON.

    Getty Images/iStockphoto robert lerich

    Bacon by itself already tastes like a salty, flattened-out Slim Jim. Turkey bacon tastes like a stale Airhead with no flavor whatsoever. On the other hand, turkey sausage tastes like its hot pork cousin (you know, the one you want to bang). Quite frankly, it tastes like heaven.

    So bacon-lovers, keep loving your sellout:

    Keep being your basic self, and put that dried-up piece of leather in your mouth:

    While you keep praising that abomination of a food item, we sausage-lovers will enjoy our breakfast fit for kings and queens.

    #Sausage4Life #YourMoveBacon

    Really looking forward to fall fashion

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