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Don't Just Grab Someone And Kiss Them On New Year's Eve

Champagne in your mouth > some weirdo's tongue.

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So, the moment has come that we've all been waiting for: the end of 2016.

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This year took Prince, Muhammad Ali, Florence Henderson, David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Sharon Jones, Leonard Cohen, Phife Dawg, and facts, among other things.

"Good riddance," you may be thinking, "It truly has been a literal dumpster fire of a year!"

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But before you trek in your sparkly dress and practical, look-ruining snow boots to your New Year's party of choice, I implore you to reexamine the tradition of midnight makeouts.

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You don't have to kiss anyone on New Year's Eve. Seriously, don't just kiss any fellow partygoer to kiss somebody.

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The pressure to play tonsil hockey alongside cute couples at midnight on January 1 is real; I'll give you that. If you don't want to start 2017 with a reminder of how single you are, I really, truly feel you.

But think of it this way: Do you want to celebrate the new year by tonguing the food membrane of your friend's cousin, who wears a Monster energy drink hat and responds to nearly everything with "That's what she said"?

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Does that seem preferable to an acknowledgement that you, single you, just made it through one of the worst years in memory by 👏 your 👏 damn 👏 self 👏 ? That shit is an accomplishment, not a failure. Be proud! You have Xena, Warrior Princessed the fuck out of 2016.

Besides, you know it's flu season, right?

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"Swapping spit" isn't really hyperbole, and everyone at your party went through the excruciating rounds of mistletoe makeouts not all that long ago. Do you really want to ring in 2017 with a fully body ache, a fever, a sore throat, a hacking cough, and a nose that won't stop running, no matter how red and raw you've wiped it already? I didn't think so.

Look around the petri dish — I mean, room — and know you are now the protagonist in an outbreak film. This shit is Contagion. You in danger, girl.

And even if a literal virus doesn't find a way to cling to you, that rando just might.

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One of the reasons we kiss at midnight is to ward off evil spirits, but let me ask you this: Have you ever met a spirit more bothersome than a person who adds you on Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, and LinkedIn post-drunken tongue wrestling match? From where I'm standing, chancing it with the spirits may be your best bet.

Overall, you can do better than Frenching someone you don't know to ring in the new year.

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If you believe in the tradition of midnight makeouts, I suspect you believe in ideas like New Year's resolutions and starting fresh — so don't let your hopes and dreams for 2017 be tainted by those first few seconds of sloppy face-sucking (and possibly months/weeks of unwanted follow-up) with your coworker's weird neighbor. Instead, keep your mouth occupied with champagne, and embrace your friends and your fierce single-dom. If it's good enough for Beyoncé, I assure you, it's good enough for us.

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