59 Terrifyingly Real Nightmares All New Yorkers Share
When peeing on the subway seems preferable to facing the rats in your toilet.
1. Bed bugs.
2. Hot, steamy summer trash piles.
3. Someone who could be a new neighbor or an axe murderer asking to be let into your lobby.
4. Getting puked on in the subway.
5. Being the puker.
6. Getting kicked in the face by a "Showtime!" dancer.
7. Electrically charged/exploding manholes.
8. Moving. At all.
9. But especially with broker fees.
10. Dooring a cyclist on your way out of a cab.
11. Being doored.
12. Slipping on a sidewalk condom.
13. But also, touching one in the subway.
14. Awkward celebrity encounters.
15. Everything that could go wrong in an elevator.
16. Roaches in your coffee. Roaches in your ears. Roaches everywhere.
17. Subway trains underwater. Subways trains reliant on flimsy bridges. Subway trains above ground, which sometimes end up with cars on top of them.
18. Plummeting pigeon spikes headed for your eyeballs.
19. Something awful happening to you in public. Everyone around ignoring it.
20. A pigeon hitting you in the face.
21. Getting pushed onto the subway tracks/tripping and falling onto the subway tracks/fainting and falling onto the subway tracks.
22. Surviving a fall onto the subway tracks, but knowing you've been forever tainted by the soupy garbage therein.
23. Bed bugs. Still bed bugs.
24. Falling through sidewalk cellar doors.
25. Times Square (the pickpockets).
26. Saint Marks Place (the punx).
28. Being singled out by a busker for not giving money.
30. Short skirts vs those see-through grated subway steps.
31. Getting stuck on the train as nature really, urgently calls.
32. Being killed by a falling air conditioner.
33. Or, living through getting AC fluid in your mouth.
34. Enrolling in Columbia grad school while drunk.
35. Accidentally responding to the guy on the street asking if you like comedy with a "Yes."
36. Toilet rats.
37. Sludge puddles (summer).
38. Slush puddles (winter).
39. When you reluctantly agree to visit a bar in your friend's borough... only to leave your credit card behind.
41. The DMV.
42. Bike messengers.
43. Stuff from street sweepers flying in your eye.
44. Your apartment building collapsing, because why the hell would your landlord care?
45. Greenpeace canvassers... on both sides of the street.
46. Dropping your wallet on the subway tracks.
47. Dropping your phone on the subway tracks.
48. Dropping anything on the subway tracks.
49. Your favorite bar becoming a bank.
50. Getting eaten alive by squirrels.
51. Being stuck on the wrong side of a parade route.
52. Someone sneezing directly into your face on a crowded train.
53. Falling asleep on the subway and waking up in Coney Island.
55. Losing your MetroCard at the beginning of the month.
56. Ever-increasing MetroCard fees coupled with ever-worsening service.
57. Predatory cabbies. (See also: being outside of cabs.)
58. Going out on St. Patrick's Day.