What Kind Of Nut Are You?
You know who else is a raw almond? Barack Obama. You are wise, a little bland, alluring, strong-willed, pure, untouched. You are so excessively "reasonable" and calm and self-assured that it often works to your detriment. Sorta like how you taste good, but could be much improved with a touch of salt.
I'm a pistachio and I'm a great person. My sister, who I love, is also a pistachio. But you know who else is a pistachio? Theranos founder Elizabeth Holmes, who grifted billionaires and war criminals to invest in her blood-testing startup, which used a technology that didn't work. (Google her! Her story is bizarre and compelling and so much more.) What I'm trying to say that pistachios want power and attention, I don't deny that. But we are also smart and complicated (shell analogy) and stay true to who we are, which is what makes us successful, but in the case of Lizzy, can work to our detriment.
You are trying to do the right thing, that's what you care about most in life. You're a socialist, if not politically, then at least spiritually. You are good, but chronically underrated. Bernie Sanders is a roasted salted cashew, did you know that?
Perhaps the most ubiquitous nut, you are well-liked by most, considered high overrated by few, and half the population is allergic to you. Bill Clinton is a salted peanut. Justin Bieber is a salted peanut. People love you. People hate you. You don't care. You're everywhere.
An inherently fancy nut, you're a little snobbish, uppity, standoffish, but you also believe yourself to be exceptional. Like fellow macadamias Elon Musk and Steve Jobs, you probably actually are a genius. But careful not to tread into Ivanka Trump territory. She's all macadamia on the outside but hollow within.
You are in so many things, different kinds of breads and cookies and muffins, for one reason or another, but when you think about it, what the fuck does it even taste like? Does it add anything to a treat? Really, wouldn't you prefer a peanut? A cashew? A pistachio? An almond? I thought so. Walnuts are a mixed bag, but something that unites them all is a quest for power and a chameleon-like personality. You know who's a walnut? Hitler. You know who is *also* a walnut? Hillary Clinton. French President Emmanuel Macron. Franz Ferdinand (the guy who's death started World War 1). Ellen Degeneres. Amy Schumer. Lena Dunham. Princess Diana. See what I mean?