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43 Resolutions Every Indian Must Make For 2015

"I must not call waiters by making loud kissy noises at them."

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1. I must not keep funding the cinematic crap pots that are Sajid Khan movies.

2. I must not subscribe to newspapers that thinks an actress's accidental cleavage show is front page news.

3. I must not troll and hate-comment on internet forums just because I'm bored and my life isn't going anywhere.

4. I must not be offended by other people's harmless opinions and engage in a lengthy twitter battles.

5. I must not keep fuelling Kamaal R. Khan's Twitter feed by calling him a chutiya after every tweet.

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8. I must not keep telling young female relatives that they're next at every wedding.

9. I must be patient with aunties alarmed at how big i've gotten since the last time they saw me 20 years ago.

10. I must refrain from elbowing people in the train during peak hours.

11. I must offer up my seat to anyone who looks like they need it more than me.

12. I must not stare at or take pictures of firangs as if they're mythical creatures come to life.

13. I must not carry kilos of thepla and chivda whenever I travel abroad and instead try to experience the local cuisine.

14. I must not use local historical monuments like the back of my notebook and must profess my love elsewhere.

15. I must always be punctual and not work on Indian Stretchable Time.

16. I must not make ear worm remixes of Arnab Goswami yelling at a variety of different people.

17. I must not annoy girls of Facebook with repeated requests to make fraandship with me.

18. I must not smelly fart in airplanes and make other travellers uncomfortable.

19. I must always flush after doing my business no matter how gross I think the flush handle is.

20. I must not call waiters by making loud kissy noises at them.

21. I must not be chindi when it comes to tipping people.

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22. I must not spit/pee/poop or eject any bodily fluids in non bathroom community spaces.

23. I must never contribute to the sales of Fair & Lovely and Fair & Handsome.

24. I must never kick the back of any seat in front of mine and prevent my kids from doing the same.

25. I must not give missed calls to anyone in the hopes that they will call back and save my balance.

26. I must not try too peek into women's tops when I'm standing above them in public transport. Or ever.

27. I must not buy anything I don't like or need only because it has a 50% Off tag.

28. I must never ask my kids how much Sharmaji's daughter got in the test.

29. I must not act like I'm buying top secret explosives while buying sanitary napkins or condoms.

30. I must never blast Yo Yo Honey Singh music with my windows rolled down. Listening in guilty privacy is allowed though.

31. I must refrain from flooding the internet with Baba Ramdev and Narendra Modi memes.

32. I must never attribute rape to Chinese food, mobile phones, clothing or mannequins.

33. My first reaction to anything bad happening must not be to ban all related things.

34. I must follow the auto-rickshaw code of ethics and not steal a rick hailed by someone else.

35. I must not remove my seatbelt and crowd the aisle the second the plane's wheel makes contact with the runway.

36. I must never claim that homosexuality is a disease that can be cured by yoga and green juice.

37. I must not bitch about the government if I used the long election weekend to go to Lonavla.

38. I must not pinch/grope/graze/spank/catcall women that are just trying to get to work.

39. I must not give unsolicited weight loss advice to people I've just met.

40. I must not call normal sized actresses fat to sound funny on social media.

41. I must not address women around me as item/maal/pataka or other similar sounding ridiculous things.

42. I must not get wasted at weddings and put people half my age off alcohol for life.

43. I must always use my common sense at all times before indulging in pointless chutiyagiri.

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