43 Resolutions Every Indian Must Make For 2015
"I must not call waiters by making loud kissy noises at them."
1. I must not keep funding the cinematic crap pots that are Sajid Khan movies.
2. I must not subscribe to newspapers that thinks an actress's accidental cleavage show is front page news.
3. I must not troll and hate-comment on internet forums just because I'm bored and my life isn't going anywhere.
4. I must not be offended by other people's harmless opinions and engage in a lengthy twitter battles.
5. I must not keep fuelling Kamaal R. Khan's Twitter feed by calling him a chutiya after every tweet.
8. I must not keep telling young female relatives that they're next at every wedding.
9. I must be patient with aunties alarmed at how big i've gotten since the last time they saw me 20 years ago.
10. I must refrain from elbowing people in the train during peak hours.
11. I must offer up my seat to anyone who looks like they need it more than me.
12. I must not stare at or take pictures of firangs as if they're mythical creatures come to life.
13. I must not carry kilos of thepla and chivda whenever I travel abroad and instead try to experience the local cuisine.
14. I must not use local historical monuments like the back of my notebook and must profess my love elsewhere.
15. I must always be punctual and not work on Indian Stretchable Time.
16. I must not make ear worm remixes of Arnab Goswami yelling at a variety of different people.
17. I must not annoy girls of Facebook with repeated requests to make fraandship with me.
18. I must not smelly fart in airplanes and make other travellers uncomfortable.
19. I must always flush after doing my business no matter how gross I think the flush handle is.
20. I must not call waiters by making loud kissy noises at them.
21. I must not be chindi when it comes to tipping people.
22. I must not spit/pee/poop or eject any bodily fluids in non bathroom community spaces.
23. I must never contribute to the sales of Fair & Lovely and Fair & Handsome.
24. I must never kick the back of any seat in front of mine and prevent my kids from doing the same.
25. I must not give missed calls to anyone in the hopes that they will call back and save my balance.
26. I must not try too peek into women's tops when I'm standing above them in public transport. Or ever.
27. I must not buy anything I don't like or need only because it has a 50% Off tag.
28. I must never ask my kids how much Sharmaji's daughter got in the test.
29. I must not act like I'm buying top secret explosives while buying sanitary napkins or condoms.
30. I must never blast Yo Yo Honey Singh music with my windows rolled down. Listening in guilty privacy is allowed though.
31. I must refrain from flooding the internet with Baba Ramdev and Narendra Modi memes.
32. I must never attribute rape to Chinese food, mobile phones, clothing or mannequins.
33. My first reaction to anything bad happening must not be to ban all related things.
34. I must follow the auto-rickshaw code of ethics and not steal a rick hailed by someone else.
35. I must not remove my seatbelt and crowd the aisle the second the plane's wheel makes contact with the runway.
36. I must never claim that homosexuality is a disease that can be cured by yoga and green juice.
37. I must not bitch about the government if I used the long election weekend to go to Lonavla.
38. I must not pinch/grope/graze/spank/catcall women that are just trying to get to work.
39. I must not give unsolicited weight loss advice to people I've just met.
40. I must not call normal sized actresses fat to sound funny on social media.
41. I must not address women around me as item/maal/pataka or other similar sounding ridiculous things.
42. I must not get wasted at weddings and put people half my age off alcohol for life.
43. I must always use my common sense at all times before indulging in pointless chutiyagiri.