40 Creative Ways To Get Out Of An Arranged Marriage
Roses are red, violets are blue, it's not me, it's probably you.
1. Make unpalatable chai at the first family meeting.
2. Show them the amoeba-like shape of your roti.
3. Tell them you're not an MBA.
4. Say you'd "kill for a smoke" in front of his parents.
5. Stand out in the sun till you're sufficiently dark enough to be rejected by his family.
6. Say you'll only think about having kids when you're the CEO of a Fortune 500 company.
7. Take him clubbing. Proceed to get hammered out of your mind. Claim that you were testing him all along.
8. Tell his grandmother that you're totes cool with going to the temple when you're menstruating.
9. Tell them you've been engaged tons of times but the sex was never good enough to take your relationship to the next level.
10. Tell him about your deranged ex who has tried to kill every boy you've gone out with since.
11. Ask his parents about their policy on threesomes.
12. Tell him the story of your first period. Your first boyfriend. Your first time. There are no secrets in a happy marriage.
13. Tell him that you can't even think of having babies when there are so many orphans in the world.
14. On your first meeting with his mom, eat like you've never seen food in your entire life. Say your size doesn't matter now that you're getting hitched permanently.
15. Let him know how thoroughly you stalked him by making references to his Tweets from two years ago.
16. Ask him how many times a week he masturbates so you can calculate how much sex is expected from you. Bring a notepad for the math.
17. Hire a bouncer to act like your brother. Make him communicate only in grunts and murderous glances.
18. Refuse to say his name. Call him woh and suniye ji.
19. Ask to talk to him in private and frantically whisper how these people claiming to be your parents have kidnapped you. Beg him to pay ransom for your freedom.
20. Casually ask him if he has watched Hum Dil De Chuke Sanam. Tell him about your best friend who lives in Italy and how you should probably go there for your honeymoon.
21. Play "FLAMES" on your first meeting. If you don't get "Marry," burst into tears and dramatically run out of the room.
22. When he tries to get to know you via text, communicate only in Emojis.
23. Or juz lyk dis. oR LiKe tHiS. Orrr lykee aise babezzz :* ;) :P
24. Start playing a tough round of rapid fire straight out of Koffee With Karan, complete with general knowledge questions, improvisations, and personal opinions.
25. Be the lie-o-meter and start making loud buzzing noises when he answers basic questions like "How old are you?"
26. Create a small misunderstanding between your families. Quietly wait till they become sworn enemies.
27. Tell them you're just in it for the Green Card. If he isn't American, tell him you're banking on him passing the citizenship test before your marriage.
28. On account of full disclosure, tell him and his parents every little detail of your love life, including graphic details and reenactments of your first kiss.
29. Show up with a ruler and ask him to point out the length of his penis. Say your other suitors are all 9 inches or more.
30. At first sight yell, "MUMMY! STOP LOOKING! HE'S THE ONE!"
31. Do it again when the waiter comes to take your order, pointing at the waiter this time.
32. Pretend to be the Godfather by spinning around in your chair and saying, "I've been expecting you" when he enters the room. Continue to talk in the accent for the rest of your meeting.
33. Say you've been waiting for him to walk into your life since 3 lifetimes ago when you two were lover goats. The epic sagaaaaaahhh continues.
34. Inform him that you can't marry him as you promised a boy in kindergarten that you would be together when you were grown up like Kermit and Ms. Piggy.
35. Let it slip that you're manglik. Guaranteed deal-breaker. Ooops.
36. Let him know that you're the leader of a feminist gang that specialises in dealing with mamma's boys.
37. Tell him you have a humshakal. At every alternate meeting, pretend to be the other you.
38. Tell the boy he has passed the first round and the Swayamwar will take place at a later date. Wish him luck by telling him that he's a top contender.
39. Just take him out with your friends. Meeting them will probably reveal to him how insane you truly are and he'll call it off before you have to.
40. Or just be yourself. There's probably nothing more terrifying.