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21 Inventions That Could've Changed The World

You know you need a pasta flask. H/t to Futility Closet.

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1. This alternative to fur.

Brice Belisle / google.com

Why we need it: If you're sick of not being able to show off and wear your hamster, this invention is for you. It's conceivably also for "mice..., gerbils, snakes, and, possibly even insects." Bee vests are sure to be the next runway trend.

2. This musical condom.

Paul Lyons / google.com

Why we need it: You can make condoms an even more effective birth control method by using this "amusement device" to "emit a predetermined melody, or voice message" during sex. The patent even appropriately suggests "My Ding-A-Ling" as a preset tune for your lovemaking.

3. This super fun children's game.

Eugene Graves and William Brown / google.com

Why we need it: This fun little game depicts "effigies of notorious criminals" standing on blocks in front of a catapult, from which the players shoot missiles to knock them down. Interactive execution is WAY more fun than Monopoly.

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4. This hipster bicycle attachment.

Joseph J. Beck / google.com

Why we need it: Supposedly this sail attachment intends to harness the power of the wind for a bicycle or something. The inventor probably knew that the cyclist with the most ridiculous gear earns the most respect.

5. This baby-catching device.

Nohl A. Braun Jr. and Mary J. Urling / google.com

Why we need it: Thanks to this neo-natal net, damage to your slippery baby is a thing of the past. The net attaches to the waist of the obstetrician or nurse, allowing for maximum baby droppage with minimal consequence.

6. This casket.

Angelo Raffaele Lerro / google.com

Why we need it: Yes, that's a casket. And inside it is a dead body, creepily sitting upright. The patent suggests removing the air from this glass casket and replacing it with some kind of "preservation atmosphere." Can't you just imagine graveyards full of upright corpses? It's a really great way to prevent the zombie apocalypse.

7. This road rage enhancer.

Eugene L. Baker / google.com

Why we need it: While the patent says this tube with a megaphone attached allows you to "speak to persons in front thereof, thereby to facilitate traffic," we all know it would be perfect for yelling obscenities at that asshole who changed lanes without signaling.

8. This portable bath sack.

Adolf Herz / google.com

Why we need it: It's exactly what it sounds like. You fill it with a "bathing agent," pull it up to your neck and scrub away. It can even be split at the bottom so you can walk around! Possibly the next big Coachella trend?

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9. This crop shaper.

Richard Tweddell III / google.com

Why we need it: You know you've always wanted to mold your garden vegetables into terrifying shapes. The patent HILARIOUSLY suggests trying "a summer squash grown in the shape of an ear of corn" and posits that "A zucchini in the likeness of Clark Gable... complete with mustache, would be no ordinary sight on the dinner table."

10. This dog watch.

Rodney H. Metts and Barry D. Thomas / google.com

Why we need it: This doggy accessory runs at the speed of dog time, which is seven times faster than human time. So now your dog can calculate exactly how much time you're wasting not petting him, all while looking super chic.

11. This potential space helmet.

Waldemar Anguita / google.com

Why we need it: Breathing regular air is honestly so passé. This greenhouse helmet contains plants mounted inside. If you're not breathing in the oxygen of your personal plant helmet, you should probably just stop.

12. This device for accomplished lonely people.

Ralph Piro / google.com

Why we need it: You're sitting at your desk and you manage to shoot a crumpled up paper into the trash can. But where are your adoring fans? Fuck 'em, you've got your "pat on the back apparatus" which is perfect for "providing a self-administered pat-on-the-back or a congratulatory gesture."

13. These tasty spectacles.

Adam S. Halbridge / google.com

Why we need it: You need to have flavored, chewable caps on the ends of glasses so you can taste the delicious combination of strawberry and ear dirt. It's even for kids! "It is believed that many younger children and teen-agers... would also enjoy having a desirable flavor imparted to them if they chew on the temple arms of their sunglasses." Yum!

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14. This pasta flask.

Nicholas A. Ruggieri / google.com

Why we need it: You can eat so many things while walking around, but not pasta. Thanks to this "spaghetti sipper" that won't be an issue anymore. You can now suck your spaghetti and stroll all day long.

15. This death clock.

Why we need it: If you need a mobile reminder of your mortality, this watch is for you. You can calculate how long you have left to live based on the factors in "Table II." Don't worry, you can pause it every time you do something healthy, like "taking walk" or "breathing fresh air." Apparently it doesn't matter whether you're wealthy or poor, you're still taking three years off your life.

16. This potential foreplay device.

Chalres G. Purdy

Why we need it: This bite plate will help you exercise your mouth, so you can avoid that nasty, undeveloped jaw. But who wants to masticate alone? No one. That's why you need the double-plated version, so you and your boo can get your mouth feels on together.

17. This floating furniture.

William A. Calderwood / google.com

Why we need it: This is the perfect space-saver for anyone living in a tiny apartment. Why should your bed get all the floorspace? Fill that air mattress up with helium and let it magically float out of the way.

18. This germaphobe's dream.

Deloris Gray Wood / google.com

Why we need it: The inventor of the kissing shield knew there's nothing romantic about disease. Why risk your health for a little affection? It can even be made with "... a balloon shaped frame with a center web or a bag with an elongated, protrusion" so you can french to your heart's desire the way it was intended: with a thin membrane covering your tongue.

19. This bird diaper.

Bertha A. Dlugi / google.com

Why we need it: If you want your bird to fly free but don't want it shitting all over your furniture, you're in luck. This "sanitary appliance for birds" lets you be the fun bird mom without any unintentional bird-dropping decor.

20. These three-legged pantyhose.

Annette L. Pappas and Nita A. Vaccaro / google.com

Why we need it: Sadly, these weren't intended for a new super race of three-legged people. You roll up the third leg into a pocket, and when you inevitably get a run in one of the others, you switch it out for the rolled-up one. They might also be good for a classy three-legged race.

21. These grasshopper shoes.

George T. and May C. Southgate / google.com

Why we need it: You know you've always wanted to leap through the air like Schistocerca americana, and these shoes are the only way to do that. You just spring from one foot to the other and in no time you'll be having so much fun you won't even care that they never talk about how to land.

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