1. Take public transportation.
As it usually requires standing in an oven with hundreds of other miserable people. Who smell.
2. Get a tan.
Because who’s willingly staying in the sun for longer than 3 seconds?
3. Be affectionate.
I’m hot. Don’t touch me.
4. Stand to be around anyone who isn’t sweating.
Seriously, how are you not sweating right now?
5. Go out to the bar.
Does this place have air conditioning? It’s outside?!?! Nope, not going.
6. Eat your ice cream fast enough.
Not that you care, because it is ice-cold solid-gold awesomeness.
7. Walk on the beach.
Oh, look at that deliciously refreshing ocean. I think I’ll take a dip. Let me just stand up and wa… JESUS MARY AND *@@#^!)#@%^#!!!!!!!!!
8. Straighten your hair or do your makeup.
Or move for that matter. Muggers and murderers, you can go ahead and kill me, cuz I am not moving in this shit.
10. Imagine a world without AC.
You come home and just stand in front of it like…
11. Sit down on your car seat in a skirt.
Unless you have accepted that you will live the rest of your life without skin on the back of your thighs.
I am not a Toucan.
- Donald Trump has often claimed to be "the largest real estate developer in New York," but he isn't.