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Summer Guide To Talking Like You Watch Game Of Thrones

It's easier to lie than to watch five seasons of GoT. At least it seems that way. Here's what to do.

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I've had enough, guys. I've tried to ignore it, but, goddammit it's always there. Fans of Game of Thrones are deeply disturbed if you don't watch their beloved show. Fortunately, I've hit a tipping point of GoT facts and buzzwords. They're lodged in my head like times table songs I learned in the third grade ("then you got 40 and you're all through"). So it dawned on me: I can totally B.S. my way through conversations about this extremely complex show without anyone knowing I haven't watched a single. Fucking. Frame. I'd be remiss not to share my tips with the tens of other people who've never tuned into HBO at 10 P.M. on Sundays. (See what I did there? Day and time are essential to the deception.)

First, know the type of show and audience you're dealing with here. It's an action-packed, murderous fuck fest. Maybe we should watch it? Anyway, this means that whatever happens, week in and week out, there's a plethora of acceptable reactions that all have nearly the same emotional punch. Examples of this include the basic, "That was so insane, right?" to more pronounced, "I can't deal with this anymore! Everyone is dead!!" and "So many tits!" At this point, you've already intellectually tricked the person you're talking to into thinking that you watch the same show. But what if you're stuck in this conversation? First, stay calm. Maybe repeat some of the general reaction stuff. Whatever you do, don't panic. Next, throw out a name you've heard, like Khaleesi. But please, avoid specifics. Real examples will out you and, at this point, you're in too deep to be discovered. Say stuff like, "Dude, but Khaleesi, though…" Almost every time, if you lead with this, the other, much more learned GoTer will not be able to resist spewing an opinion about whoever the fuck Khaleesi is. Hopefully, this drags out long enough for you to figure a way into topics like the gay storyline on The Bachelorette or Caitlyn Jenner -- you know, things every person has something to say about.

If your conversation seems to just be getting more in-depth, there is really only one option left. Talk about how annoying it is that people keep saying "winter is coming" outside the context of GoT as some quippy reference. This technique sets you up as diametrically opposite to the liar that you actually are, and ensures that your contributions will no longer be taken as vaguely suspicious.

Congrats! You saved yourself from ridicule. But anyway, you guys have seen the new True Detective promos, right???

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