WARNING: Most of these videos contain some NSFW language, but hearing drunken cries of rage really livens up the whole experience.
2. ROUND 1: Cowboys vs. Seahawks
The beef: A Cowboys fan is rightfully unhappy that the ‘Boys just got stomped 27-7 by the Seahawks, and just as he is about to hop into his 90s Astrovan, he meets a Seattle fan that wants him to “get the f*** out of here.”
:10 A goofier, white Dez Bryant makes his namesake proud by naturally finding a fight within seconds.
:35 The Seattle fans gang up on a Cowboy fan, pin him to the ground, and unleash hell.
:40 A wimpier version of Emmitt Smith, who appears to be wearing face paint or some sort of Phantom of the Opera mask, half-heartedly attempts to free his fellow Cowboy fan.
1:08 Model citizen Dez tries to serve as a mediator between the two sides and break up the fight.
1:30 Some guy drives a motorcycle right through the fight (really, motorcyclist?), and a woman wearing lime green overalls shouts for mercy.
WINNER: The Seattle Seahawks fans, by unanimous decision.
4. ROUND 2: Raiders vs. Raiders
The beef: Two Oakland Raiders fans really have to use the bathroom, because it takes a lot of alcohol to make it through a Raiders game these days.
:15 The first victim hits the floor, which is likely caked with unspeakable substances.
:17 Some guy emerges from the stall, incredulous, like “hey guys I’m trying to pee over here!”
:21 The guy that hit the floor tries to stand, but just sort of wriggles around on the slippery concrete like an overturned turtle.
:29 An enraged third party enters the fight and charges up a Falcon punch, but he misses, slips on — lets just call it liquid — and hits the ground. He then tries to breakdance his way back up.
:42 The ghost of Al Davis emits an evil laugh in the background
WINNER: No one wins in a disgusting bathroom brawl.
6. ROUND 3: Eagles vs. 49ers
The beef: A group of 49er fans had the audacity to sit quietly and not bother anyone at Lincoln Financial Field, and Philadelphia fans simply won’t stand for that sort of disrespect.
:05 49er fans are engulfed in a flurry of snowballs.
:10 An army of Eagles fans refuse to quit pelting a couple helpless human beings with hundreds of projectiles.
:15 MAKE IT STOP!
1:00 Isn’t this assault, or something?
1:15 49er fans are forced to flee for their lives
WINNER: Eagles by TKO. Stay classy, Philadelphia.
8. Round 4: Bills vs. Bills
The beef: Two Buffalo Bills fans were having an argument about what is the best breakfast cereal of all time. One suggested “Flutie Flakes,” another favors “Marios.” There is but one way to settle such a dispute.
This brawl is a bit of a slow burn, so skip ahead to the :50 mark.
:53 The beefier Buffalo fan (we’ll call him Flutie Flakes, and the other Marios) uncorks a Bill Goldberg-esque spear that nearly caused a guy in a salmon-colored shirt to spill his lemonade.
:58 A concerned onlooker yells “MEDIC!”
1:07 An older woman, who may or may not be the mother of Marios, yells “Don’t you do that, just go home!”
1:25 Flutie Flakes approaches Marios and points to his cheek, goading Marios to take a consolation swipe. This was a massive mistake, and Marios throws a nasty left hook.
1:33 Some burned out dude in Army fatigues and birkenstocks looks at Marios like “GOODNESS ME, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?”
WINNER: Marios, by split decision.
10. Round 5: Seahawks vs. 49ers
The beef: A Seahawks fan ripped up a sign belonging to a hefty 49ers fan, because if you come to Seattle, you better be prepared to throw down.
Skip ahead to 3:35.
3:38 A triumphant ‘Hawks fan snatches a sign belonging to a 49ers fan wearing a blonde wig and rips it up. The Niners fan is pissed, because he had to make a special trip to Kinkos to buy that poster stock and now it’s ruined.
3:45 The wigged guy gets in the face of the poster-rippers face, unaware that he’s wearing a throwback Vancouver Canucks shirt and probably knows how to drop the gloves.
3:48 The wigged guy — who sort of looks like Blizzard from Primal Rage — lets off a furious series of jabs, channeling his inner Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em robot.
3:51 The wig comes off, stripping the Niners fan of his fighting ability.
3:52 The shirt comes off, revealing a sweet eagle tattoo.
5:36 Some drunk guy/psychic repeats “This one’s going on YouTube!” over and over.
WINNER: Seahawks fans by unanimous decision.
- After deciding to end her request for a statewide recount in Pennsylvania, Jill Stein announced she plans to take the issue to federal court Monday.