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10 Ways In Which Tom Hanks' Character Chuck Noland (From The Film Cast Away) Is Better At Life Than You

The best movie ever is also a good example of why you suck at life.

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1. He taught himself how to be a dentist

What have you taught yourself how to do? Blog? Tweet from the toilet without anyone knowing you’re tweeting from the toilet (we all know)? Well, Chuck Noland needed to get rid of a tooth and he got rid of that tooth with a PERFECT TEXTBOOK root canal.

3. He doesn’t need some lame crutch like a fishing rod to catch some delicious fish

If you’re not fishing with a stick in the shallow waters of a deserted island than you might as well be one of those Germans who became a Nazi because it “seemed like there were no other options.”

4. HE HAS A BEARD

It hardly seems like I should have to explain this one. Chuck Noland kept his most precious secret in that beard. That secret? How to survive for 4 years on a deserted island with just a fucking volleyball to keep yourself company.

5. He still has some shame

He may be alone but he's gotta keep some mysteries for the ladies. What’s under that loincloth? Only the most beautiful, sandy thing you’ve ever seen not attached to a merman.

7. He works for FedEx, so he knows all about big packages

This a euphemism for a large penis. I am implying, for the second time in this post, that Tom Hanks’ character Chuck Noland, from the film Cast Away, has a large penis.

8. He understands volleyball in a way that you've never understood anything before

Volleyball isn't about scoring points and sexy ladies grunting on the beach. Not really. It's about the same-gender love between a man and an inanimate object with a bloody handprint on it, who grow old together, and share such an emotional connection that they begin to look like one another. And sexy ladies grunting on a beach.

9. He doesn't know how to tie a very successful noose

Chuck Noland must have done a pretty bad job in the Boy Scouts (if, in the Boy Scouts, they teach you how to tie a noose, which I don't think they do but it has been a long time since I checked. Hey, can we check to make sure the Boy Scouts don't teach people to tie nooses?) because his noose is PATHETIC and he is very bad at committing suicide which is a good thing because when you can't kill yourself on a deserted island that has a very large cliff on it you have to get very good at living on said island and befriending a bloody volleyball and growing a bodacious beard and that is a win-win for all of us.

10. He is honest, like George Washington

What did George Washington do? Chop down a cherry tree and then tell some old fart about it? Well, Chuck Noland opened a whole bunch of garbage that probably belonged to a bunch of ASSHOLES anyway and used it to survive and then saved a box that could have contained a GPS tracker or the December 1995 Farrah Fawcett issue of Playboy because it had a symbol on it that I guess spoke to him in a meaningful way just like that cherry tree and it's honest fruit spoke to George Washington. I guess the point that I am trying (and succeeding) to make is that Tom Hanks could have founded this country and he would have done it in a way that would have resulted in Nicolas Cage never winning an Oscar, because what the hell, guys. What the hell.

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