News O'Clock: May The Fourth, Etc. & MORE Twilight Sparkle Vamps
A new Twilight book? You bet your Renesmee! Also murder hornets are a thing coming to the US apparently because that’s what we need. And Mashable senior entertainment reporter Alexis Nedd dishes on the future of the Star Wars franchise. Plus "I Wonder What's Inside Your Butthole."
A new Twilight book? In 2020? You bet your Renesmee! J. Crew is filing for bankruptcy amid the coronavirus pandemic. Murder hornets are a thing coming to the US apparently because that’s what we need.
Plus, Mashable senior entertainment reporter Alexis Nedd dishes on the future of the Star Wars franchise (and gives us her most trash Star Wars opinion). Plus, we just HAD to talk about "I Wonder What's Inside Your Butthole."
It's May 4th. The time... News O'Clock
Check out the full episode transcript here:
Hayes Brown: J.Crew was another casualty of the coronavirus.
HB: If you've been waiting for more sparkly vampires in your life, this is your lucky day. And it's Star Wars day.
HB: We've got Mashable senior entertainment reporter Alexis Nedd with us to talk about everything coming next from a galaxy far, far away.
Casey Rackham: The date, May 4th, 2020.
HB: The time, news O'clock.
HB: Hello friends, I'm Hayes Brown.
CR: And I'm Casey Rackham. Welcome to News O'clock.
HB: And welcome to another week. Casey, how was your weekend?
CR: How was my weekend? Okay, I made scones from the Outlander cookbook. I went for a walk and saw a home that was on sale for $1.5 million. So attainable, you know. How about you? What'd you do?
HB: Wait. First, let's rewind to the Outlander cookbook. Why do you possess this?
CR: I don't possess it. This was back in 2015 or 2016 and I was covering the release of the Outlander cookbook and two colleagues and I, we made recipes from it and to date, they're the best scones I've ever had in my life and I remembered them this past week. So I found the recipe online and I made them and I love them.
HB: I had a bit of a baking fail this weekend. I, like a fool, tried a new chocolate chip cookie recipe and apparently made them on too small a sheet. So rather than 16 perfectly delicious circle cookies, they're kind of smushed and sad and some of them have merged into one bigger cookie. So close enough, I guess. That's the vibe right now.
CR: Yeah. I'm not seeing a problem. You're describing a cookie cake and I love cookie cake.
HB: That's fair. One giant cookie self. Grab some frosting. Go to town after we're done recording.
HB: Okay. It's time for the corona update. Today I have three things that you need to know. Number one, clothing retailer, J.Crew filed for bankruptcy, highlighting how the pandemic is crushing retailers. Online retailers are thriving, but brick and mortar stores have been struggling for years thanks to private equity takeovers and a shift to online buying. The rona clearly hasn't helped.
HB: J.Crew will hand over control of its company to creditors and turn over a billion dollars in debt into stock for investors to hold on to. J.Crew will keep control though over it's Madewell brand and will continue to run its online shop during the bankruptcy proceedings. Neiman Marcus, JCPenney, Lord and Taylor, Macy's, all of them are really struggling right now and looking like they might be filing for bankruptcy too.
CR: I mean I guess we're just waiting for this to happen, for our online shopping to take over. And this is just escalated the whole situation.
HB: It really has, but it's kind of sad cause some of these brands are truly iconic. If Macy's goes under, I will make watching Miracle on 34th Street really sad moving forward, honestly.
HB: Number two, the President held a virtual Town Hall last night at the Lincoln Memorial and some of his answers were a bit sus. It took place in an interview with Fox News inside the Lincoln Memorial at night. Properly socially distanced. No masks though. Among the other things that Trump did, he touted hydroxychloroquine. Again, despite putting a pause on that praise for the last couple of weeks.
Donald Trump: The Democrats, the radical left, whatever you, would rather see people, I'm going to be very nice. I'm not going to say die. I'm going to say would rather see people not get well because they think I'm going to get credit if hydroxychloroquine works.
HB: The president did admit though that the death toll could be much higher than he's previously said. This time around, he admit that it could be up to 100,000 in the United States. Previously, he'd insisted that it would stay under 60,000. As of Sunday in the United States, there have been 67,000 coronavirus confirmed deaths.
CR: Okay. I might be wrong on this, but I think I saw it on Twitter. Did Trump say that he was more mistreated than Lincoln while he was standing in front of the Lincoln Memorial?
HB: Oh yes. That was the thing that he said. Trump's comparing himself to Lincoln has been a motif, shall we say, this administration? And one that has made historians go tschhhhh the entire time.
CR: Oh boy.
HB: All right. And number three, if you're feeling up for a cruise when this is all over, Carnival is getting ready to set sail again in August. Carnival is the parent company of Princess Cruises who shipped the Diamond Princess, Grand Princess, and Ruby Princess for early epicenters of coronavirus and how it's spread globally, which was in a sense good for scientists because it helped them map out how this bread worked and bad for a lot more things, including the many people who contracted coronavirus and were stuck on these ships while countries decided whether or not to accept them on shore.
HB: Cruise ships operate outside of many U.S. Laws because they have flags in foreign countries and the high seas are basically a lawless place. So that means that if you die at sea on one of these cruises, your family cannot sue these cruise lines. So they're thinking may as well get back to business as normal.
CR: Okay, that's awful. Also, I wasn't planning on going on a cruise beforehand and now I'm really not. I mean, it's just a vessel for this virus. Oh my God, I'm sorry. I'm overwhelmed by everything.
HB: I feel like the fact that people were still going on cruises after the wall to wall coverage of the poop ship years ago was a real warning sign for us as a culture.
CR: We can't stop cruises. No one can.
CR: Okay, so it's time for today's Good News, Bad News.
CR: As you might guess from the name, this is where I bring you some of the most, "Oh my God, yes!" And most, "Oh my God, no!" Stories from around the internet. Good news for honestly, everyone, an eight year old has produced the banger that we deserve right now. It's official title is, "I Wonder What's Inside Your Butthole."
Jolee Dunn: I wonder what's inside your butthole.
Jolee Dunn: I wonder what's inside your butthole.
Jolee Dunn: Maybe there are astronauts.
Jolee Dunn: Maybe there are aliens.
Jolee Dunn: All inside your butthole.
CR: That's the beautiful voice of Jolee Dunn. The author of this smash hit. Her mom, Lisa, told Buzzfeed News that the song was inspired by Jolee trying to avoid bedtime, which I completely relate to and understand. And when her daughter was told that millions of people had listened to her song, her mom said, "Jolee will ponder that for a moment then ask, 'Did Doja Cat see it?'" Which is her only barometer for fame. And sure Doja may not have seen it, but the banger is already getting remixed like in this take from Jonathan Mann.
Jonathan Mann: [I Wonder What's Inside Your Butthole Remix by Jonathan Mann Song]
HB: I love this song so much. It makes you smile. It's so surreal. It takes a real turn there in the lyrics.
CR: It really does, but it's a legitimate banger. I was just like replaying it over and over again. I was so impressed. She's a better musician than I'll ever be. It had a good rhythm to it. I was into it.
HB: I want to know what she was thinking about right before writing the song that made her wonder about astronauts and aliens inside of buttholes. What fiction, what bedtime story was she read that led us to this point? These are the quality of questions I need answered.
CR: I hope ... And I think she's a true genius. So she was just thinking about what is inside buttholes, what could be in there? So I think don't even think further than that. I think that's where we can land on. And I think it's pretty solid. And I support it.
CR: Onto some bad news. And this time it's specifically for Robert Pattinson. The Twilight series author, Stephanie Meyer, said today that she's going to be finally releasing a new book in the saga and if you know anything about this, you know that it is Midnight Sun. So it's going to be a retelling of the first book in the series. But from the point of view of sparkle vampire love interests, Edward Cullen, which we genuinely all need, I'm sorry, we do. Basically, a version of the book, leap back in 2008 which caused Meyer to say, "Fuck all of you. No sparkles for you." But now she's finally yielded and the book is scheduled to be released on August 1st. Like we said though, this is seriously bad for Robert Pattinson who has spent the last few years doing weird ass movies to try to distance himself from playing Edward in the Twilight movies. I mean he does not like talking about it and I get it.
HB: I get it too because the books and the movies are fucking weird and wild and I'm sorry, I just can't get over the fact that these things transformed to the 50 Shades of Gray books. There's so many layers of a weird to the Twilight experience that the fact that we're diving back into this for basically Twilight, the next generation like Degrassi, we're bringing it back guys.
CR: Oh my God. Yeah, it's amazing. I definitely saw most of the Twilights in high school and college and then I did not see the last one until a couple of years ago and that blew my mind because that was my first time seeing that CGI baby.
HB: The CGI baby that they have to bite out of her. I didn't read the books but I learned everything I could about them while they were happening, especially towards the end because I had to understand the phenomenon. I had to know what was happening here and when I learned that they'd have to bite the half vampire baby out of Bella, I just didn't know what to do with myself from that point until now. I still don't know what to do with myself.
CR: That's an image. But I am excited for this because my favorite thing on the internet is just Twilight memes because they just dragged the movie in but from a fan way. They all watch the movies but you got to drag the movie too and stuff like that. But anyways, I want to see Edward Cullen's point of view of, do you know that scene in the first movie where he like sees Bella for the first time or rather he smells her and he has this massive look of disgust? I need to know that from Edward's point of view, what's going on through that vampire braid of his?
HB: Honestly, this is exactly the boost that the fan fiction writers of the world needed in this time. So Stephanie Meyer, salute.
HB: Okay. When we come back from the break, we're talking to Mashable's Alexis Nedd about the Star Wars. Stay right there, everyone.
CR: Welcome back. It's time for Say More.
HB: It's Star Wars day, thanks to some nerds who decided a few years back that May the Fourth be with you was too good a pun to pass up. But with the main Skywalker Saga films now all wrapped up in a corporate overlord wanting to crank up the profit, is star Wars set to go the way of the Jedi?
CR: We're joined by Mashable, senior entertainment reporter, Alexis Nedd, to help us figure that out.
CR: Hello Alexis.
Alexis Nedd: Hello, everyone.
CR: Okay, so I'm just going to go ahead and put this out there up front. I've never seen any of the older Star Wars movies, only a couple of the most recent trilogy, and to be honest, I watched them both on planes.
AN: What what?
HB: I know.
CR: I'm sorry. You can hear the remorse in my voice. Okay, guys?
HB: We're going to fix this before this podcast is done, Casey.
AN: This specific podcast. Sit down. We're going to be here for nine hours.
CR: This is what I deserve. I get it. I did this to myself.
CR: Okay. So you guys can yell at me more later. But for now, let me live through you too. Alexis, do you remember when you first saw any of the star Wars movies?
AN: Oh my gosh. I couldn't put an age to it, but it was young. My dad was a big Star Wars nerd. I'm pretty sure he saw it in theaters in the seventies and eighties and I don't remember a time where I didn't know what a Star War was. So I was very big on the original trilogy. I think the first ones I saw in theaters was the prequels. I was little when I saw them. I didn't know they were maligned. I get it now. But yeah, big fan since as long as I can recall.
HB: No, I feel that. Besides being introduced to the concepts through parodies and the cartoons I watched, my dad, I remember made sure to sit us down and show us the VHS's, and then when the originals were re-released in theaters, we went to go see those. So Alexa, what do you think it is about Star Wars that draws so many people in across these multiple generations?
AN: I think that especially if you do start with the original trilogy, it's hard to recreate what it was like to be a kid in the seventies and see it for the first time. But I think that for that generation, the enthusiasm they had when they first saw it, it was like nothing else they'd ever seen. So I think it's really a generational, cultural thing that's so gripping, but also when you see it for the first time when you were younger, the storytelling is so epic and sweeping and the visuals still hold up, which is incredible. It's hard to discount, like a cowboy wizard fantasy with princesses and lasers. It's universal stuff. You can't not like it.
HB: And weird space magic.
CR: I wish you could have seen Hayes during that. He had his hands clasped under his chin like a little kid. It was adorable. I felt the Star Wars. I felt it.
CR: Okay, so the final movie in the original triple trilogy, the rise of Skywalker, did it do so hot among fans when it came out last year? Do you think the criticism was accurate or were people just whining on the internet?
AN: Oh gosh. Okay. This is a very tough question because I feel like after the last Jedi, the second one and the sequel trilogy, the fandom split fairly cleanly in the middle, and I feel like if you love the last Jedi, you were not going to be hot on Rise of Skywalker. If you hated the last Jedi, you liked the Rise of Skywalker. So whether or not the critique is valid, it just depends on what camp you fall in. I was not a fan of it, personally.
HB: Is there any way to heal this divide or is the fandom just going to be split forever now? Much like the Ewoks first divided us.
AN: It's a forever problem.
HB: So we learned today that Taika Waititi is going to be writing and directing a new Star Wars film. Alexis, your reaction?
AN: I was quite thrilled. I just finished watching the first episode of the Mandalorian documentary series they have that they put out today about sort of the background of making the Mandalorian and the first episode they have is about the director. So there was a little bit of Taika in there. And I watched this at like six the morning because I couldn't sleep and I thought, "Man, he's having such a good time. I would love to see him do more Star Wars." And then fast forward six hours and he's doing more Star Wars. I think he has a really interesting frenetic vibe as a director and as a writer. Also, I should point out he's only co-writing, his co-writer on that is going to be Kirstie Wilson Carnes, who also co-wrote 1917, so it's not just going to be him. But his directorial style worked very well in the finale of the Mandalorian.
AN: I think he gets Star Wars, but he's also not afraid to get funky, as we saw he did with Thor and the MCU. And I would love a more funky, colorful Star Wars. And I think he's the one to give it to us.
CR: I think that's interesting because what I was seeing online is that Kirstie, for 1917, she's more of a dramatic writer and then he's as wacky as he wants to be, so it's going to be such an interesting pairing for the two of them.
AN: Yes. I think maybe they're going to even each other out there because I don't think Star Wars wants to go full Thor: Ragnarok because that would be a bit of a departure for the tone of the series, so I think that they're going to balance each other out.
HB: Alexis, what do you think? Is May the Fourth just a cheesy cash grab at this point? Has Disney gotten too involved in the fandom?
AN: I mean May the Fourth comes from fans and now that Disney has Star Wars, it's like what are they going to do? Not capitalize it? It's like, "Oh, you're going to give us a whole day of the year? Cool." It's hard to even call it a cash grab. It's more than just like a complete absorption of the fandom and an ownership of what the fans had made, but they now own what the fans love. So you can't really blame them. Also, I mean, they're giving us a Mandalorian documentary series and dropping great news. So they're going to do what they're going to do.
CR: Okay. So what is your most trashed Star Wars opinion?
AN: I have a couple that I'm honestly scared to say on the internet because I know-
HB: No, it's okay. Safe space, safe space, Alexis. You got this.
AN: I thought that because at the end of Rise of Skywalker was one of the worst things Star Wars has ever done. Yeah.
HB: So you're going to attract those haters into mentions, I see.
AN: Yeah, now do you understand my hesitance?
HB: I do. However, I don't think that there's that many people who disagree with you either. So as far as trash opinions go, at least you have company on that one.
AN: It is delightful to me that you think that, Hayes. It really is. They're out there.
HB: It just doesn't work to me. As a romantic pairing, it just never clicked. But then again, Star Wars and romance never really does click all that well, unless we're talking about the Empire Strikes Back, which, Casey, is a film in the first trilogy.
AN: Yeah, they got it right once.
AN: They haven't gotten it right in 40 years.
CR: I literally just started. I was like, "Okay, Hayes, you take it from here. I don't know what's happening."
HB: Okay. Alexis, one more thing. Mother's Day is next weekend. We're in a really weird time, so we're going to be asking our guests this week how they're going to be marking the occasion with this weird set of lockdowns in place across the country.
AN: So my family, we usually do a Sunday video chat with all of us because my sister's in California, my parents are in Jersey and I'm in New York, so we're going to have our family video chat. We're probably all going to get mimosas. My sister and I sent my mom a gift and my mom's favorite brunch place is doing pickup brunch baskets, so I'm going to see if I can get my dad to slap on some gloves and a mask and pick up a brunch basket that he can then bring home to her.
CR: That's adorable. And now also, I want to do that. I'm going to text my dad.
HB: Slash, I just want to brunch baskets. Sorry, mom.
CR: Okay. Well thank you so much for joining us, Alexis.
AN: Thank you so much for having me.
AN: Yay. No problem.
HB: It's time for The List because if you know Buzzfeed at all, you know how much we love lists. And today in honor of Star Wars day, we've got five wild facts about outer space lined up for you.
CR: Okay. Honestly, I'm not ready to talk about any of these facts because I have a meltdown about space twice a year and I didn't block out the rest of the day for me to rock back and forth in a corner. I need more of a heads up than this. I'm genuinely nervous, but guess what? I will prevail, Hayes.
HB: Casey, I really am sorry, but you knew the job was dangerous when you took it. Okay.
HB: Space fact number one, the North star wasn't always the North star and won't always be the North star because the way the earth's axis tilt and draws a cone, Polaris will stop being North star in about 13,000 years and instead people, if there are people, will have to rely on Vega.
CR: Number two, a day on Venus is longer than a year on Venus. It moves around the sun faster than it turns around its axis.
HB: Number three, the sun is so massive that it makes up 99% of the mass in the entire solar system, so crunched together all of the planets and stuff, and that's only 1% of the mass compared to the sun.
CR: Number four, all of the other planets could fit into the distance between the earth and the moon. Seriously, check the math. It's bonkers.
HB: And wild space fact number five, scientists have predicted that the air pressure on Jupiter and Saturn can cause carbon to form rain clouds that drop actual diamonds.
CR: Hayes, we have to go to Jupiter and Saturn. I need to take a couple of days off.
HB: I refuse to go to either Jupiter or Saturn. I don't care what technology ever says. I am not going to a gas giant. That sounds like ... They don't have a surface, Casey. There's nowhere to land. There's just, I've seen Jupiter ascending.
CR: Okay. Listen, neither of us have to go to space. I'm not going to space. I mean I'll go to space if we have to go to space because earth is crumbling around us, but I'm not going to volunteer to go to space. It scares me.
HB: Real talk though. Commercial space travel is definitely coming sooner or later. If someone else was paying for it, would you go into space? Tell us why or why not? You can email us at newsoclock, all one word, @buzzfeed.com. Either write down your answer or record it as a voice memo and send it to us. That's firstname.lastname@example.org or DM us on Twitter, where we are also @NewsOclock.
CR: Okay. We have time for one more thing and I have two words for you. Murder Hornets.
News Reporters Speaking.
Reporter: The so-called murder hornet.
HB: Okay. Real quick for anyone who missed this over the weekend, the New York Times had a big story about the Asian giant hornet and how they're turning up in the U.S. These things can grow up to two inches long. They rip honeybees to shreds and they have a stinger that can puncture beekeeping suits and ... Oh, they're so scary, Casey. They're so fucked up.
CR: I can't stop laughing because I'm in such denial that this is a real thing, but also it makes sense in 2020 but I'm just so genuinely scared. I just know I'm going to get stung by one. I know it.
HB: Well right now, they're just up in the Washington areas, where there've been spotted up in the Washington-Canada border. Just don't go there. Don't go to the Pacific Northwest. Even when the lockdown is down because that's hornet land now.
CR: Oh my God. I wonder how vindictive they are. Do you know wasps when you go under water to get away from them and they just wait, they wait for you. I just have to say that anything that's called a murder hornet, I think they also wait for you.
HB: They have plans. They have detailed blueprints. They track your location and wait for you, not just while you're underwater, they will figure out your address and come and wait for you. It's scary for us, but it's really scary for the fricking bees though. They rip off honeybee heads. They can decimate an entire honeybee colony with just their pincer-like giant mandibles going through with carnage.
CR: I'm sorry, but do these murder hornets not know that we're currently trying to save the bees?
HB: Yeah, the murder Hornets are anti-bee. They suck. They hate us and they hate pollination apparently. Here's something really fun though. In Japan, the local Japanese honey bees, the way they fight off these hornets when their hives are invaded is that all of the honey bees will beat their wings really, really fast. So to raise the heat inside of their hive and to cause extra dioxide, killing the hornets.
CR: Oh my God. I don't know why that made me kind of emotional, but I was like, "Look at that teamwork."
HB: Which is metal as shit. Good job honey bees.
CR: They saw their enemy and were like, We got to like all hold wings and work together to defeat their enemy. I love it.
HB: What Care Bears flashback that was. So between this and the locusts in Africa, there's just too much bad news bugs in 2020. If there's one more fucked up bug story, I'm going to scream.
CR: So the New York Times said that Washington state is gearing up to eradicate them because they have to act early before it spreads out of control. Because in Japan, these murder hornets kill roughly 50 people every year.
HB: So to sum up, America, don't let murder hornets be the new coronavirus. Thank you.
CR: That's it for today. Join us tomorrow when writer and comedian Josh Gondelman, the nicest person on the internet, joins us.
HB: And remember, there's no coronavirus in space, but that doesn't mean it's any safer up there than down here.
CR: Be sure to subscribe to News O'clock on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts or wherever you go for your sound stories.
HB: And please take the time to leave us a rating and review, helps us figure out what you like about the show versus what you love about the show. And tell all your friends so that you can set your alarms and never miss another episode of New's O'clock.