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21 Things That Happen To Your Body As You Turn 30

It’s all dinner parties, nice bedding and better books. Until the hangovers and neck hairs start to kick in.

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1. You start to experience the mythical two-day hangovers.

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There’s only so many fry-ups one grown woman can eat before she starts to wonder if it was all worth it. I mean, it probably was. But, come on – two days?

2. Dark circles under your eyes.

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Remember when these things used to ping back into cool, supine flatness after a good night’s sleep? Yeah. Those days are gone. Now it’s like you’re cooking up a sack of queso fresco under each eye.

3. You find an increasing number of rogue nipple hairs.

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Seriously, nobody warns you about this. Nobody. But here they are. Like a Catherine wheel of unexpected follicles.

4. Your flow becomes crazy heavy.

United Artists / womenshealthmag.com

Oh hi! Did somebody order six litres of uncooked beetroot juice? Because it seems to have been delivered to my knickers.

5. You discover plenty of grey hairs.

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Sometimes they gather in a clump. Sometimes they form a streak. Sometimes a lone soldier heads out across your scalp. But however they grow, you can’t stop them.

6. As well as sprouting random chin hair.

Show me a woman who hasn’t tried to brush an eyelash from her neck, only to realise that it’s sprouting from her jaw and, well, I’ll show you a lucky woman.

7. And getting random fungal nail infections.

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Because, hey, who wanted thin toenails anyway. I like these deep pan versions much, much more.

8. Your knees become creaky and weak.

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Bend down to pick up a dropped train ticket, fall to the floor to stroke your friend’s dog, squat down to retrieve 20p or bust a move like Beyoncé and you will be met by the horrifying, unexpected, hinge-like screeching of your aging joints. The answer? Wear headphones.

9. Your teeth start to take on the shade of popcorn.

So, it turns out, tea, coffee, red wine, red meat, cigarettes, sushi and everything else that’s glorious in this world does actually turn your teeth the colour of sand. Still, it was totally worth it. Wasn’t it. Wasn’t it?
Flickr: 14028464@N04

So, it turns out, tea, coffee, red wine, red meat, cigarettes, sushi and everything else that’s glorious in this world does actually turn your teeth the colour of sand. Still, it was totally worth it. Wasn’t it. Wasn’t it?

10. The whites of your eyes become less white.

Yeah, that thing nicotine used to do to pub ceilings and your grandad’s fingers? It happens to your eyes, too.
Flickr: stopherjones

Yeah, that thing nicotine used to do to pub ceilings and your grandad’s fingers? It happens to your eyes, too.

11. You start to notice creases in your actual neck.

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For some reason, the onset of wisdom, nice crockery, your own sofa and dinner parties also seems to coincide with the growth of salami-like indentations up your neck. Cool huh?

12. Not to mention a new collection of both spots and wrinkles.

Yeah! I know! You think you’d get to choose. But oh no. When all the casual sex, second hand records, late night parties and "experimental" make-up fades from view, acne may well be the last vestige of your adolescence still hanging around.
Flickr: benandjenn / Creative Commons

Yeah! I know! You think you’d get to choose. But oh no. When all the casual sex, second hand records, late night parties and "experimental" make-up fades from view, acne may well be the last vestige of your adolescence still hanging around.

13. Which causes you to start paying more attention to moisturisers.

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If you use an oil balancing moisturiser in the morning and an anti-ageing cream at night, that means by about noon you should have a face like a baby’s bicep, right?

14. Your heels turn to parmesan cheese, apparently.

Anyone else appear to be growing hooves?
Flickr: somecanuckchick

Anyone else appear to be growing hooves?

15. You start to, erm, fill out a bit.

Once that early-twenties metabolism hits the deck, don’t be surprised to see your meals take fleshy form around your body.
Flickr: golf_pictures

Once that early-twenties metabolism hits the deck, don’t be surprised to see your meals take fleshy form around your body.

16. And your buns slowly begin to deflate.

NBC / Giphy

Ah, the mum bum. We’ve been expecting you. Just maybe not quite so soon. Still, at least we can squeeze through narrower gaps now.

17. You find GREY PUBES.

I know. It’s a thing. It’s just a thing that nobody seems to want to talk about. Apart from maybe badgers, skunks and Morticia Adams.

18. And develop THIGH BEARDS.

Seriously. Like that little patch on the back of your thigh, above your knee but below your bum? You don’t notice it for decades on end then suddenly, blammo! It’s like a woodland creature is hiding back there.
Flickr: 30627179@N07 / Creative Commons

Seriously. Like that little patch on the back of your thigh, above your knee but below your bum? You don’t notice it for decades on end then suddenly, blammo! It’s like a woodland creature is hiding back there.

19. Pelvic floor exercises become standard practice.

Apparently doing these can help with various things. You can even do them at your desk – and no, dancing or holding on when you really need a wee doesn't count.
Flickr: laurie_pink / Creative Commons

Apparently doing these can help with various things. You can even do them at your desk – and no, dancing or holding on when you really need a wee doesn't count.

20. Your lovely lady lumps may become even lumpier.

Flickr: diethylstilbestrol

Sometimes your breasts feeling lumpier is a perfectly harmless change in hormones or breast tissue, due to your period or a benign condition such as fibroadenoma. However, you should absolutely be checking your breasts regularly and if there’s anything you’re worried about don’t hesitate to get them checked by the doctor.

21. You have better sex!

Giphy / Claudie Ossard Productions

There is no substitute for experience. Or being better at choosing. Or having your own flat. Or actually being able to afford the heating bill. Or nice bedding. Or better body confidence. Or having a better understanding of who you are, what you want and how to get it. Hell, maybe being 30 is going to be fine after all.