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27 Signs You Were The Victim Of British Hippy Parents

So many chickpeas. So little privacy.

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1. You were eating tofu, kale, and quinoa years before it was cool.

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2. Meanwhile, baked apples were a genuine treat.

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They were served with sour, watery yoghurt made in your own airing cupboard, of course.

3. You ate Beanfeast while camping.

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While everyone else tucked into hot bacon and eggs, you were left ploughing through a bowl of reconstituted soya mince, cooked over a leaky paraffin stove.

10. Your parents shouted at you when you started shaving your legs.

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Not for stealing their razor, but for giving in to patriarchal ideas of feminine beauty. Good on them, really.

13. And you were allowed to dress yourself for school.

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Even if that meant leaving the house in a pair of tights, a tutu, a hand-knitted cardigan, slippers, and your new swimming hat.

15. And your parents’ exes would often come on holiday with you.

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Sometimes with their new partner.

16. Talking of partners, your mum checked your astrological chart every time you got a new boyfriend.

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This is how you ended up going to university with a man who categorically told you he didn't love you, but who did have an excellent alignment of planets in his seventh house (that's the relationship one). He married the next girl he dated.

17. You learned 5Rhythms instead of ballet.

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Because Gestalt therapy beats leotards. Apparently.

20. You had to suffer the indignity of Sosmix on a fairly regular basis.

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For a group of people who don't eat sausages, vegetarians sure do love making fake ones out of soya protein and, like, gravel.

21. And the house was always littered with enormous plastic tubs of crunchy wholefood peanut butter.

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22. It never occurred to you to shave your armpits.

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26. And you were bought up to recycle everything.

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Cans, teabags, leg sugaring strips, bike tyres, jumpers, exercise books, smashed plates, jam jars, fancy dress costumes...everything. Your sister even tried to bury the oven in the garden to be reborn as a flowerbed.

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