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11 Things You Need To Do After Being Fired

Let's be honest; you hated that job anyways... right?

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1. Take The Human Resources Handbook With You

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Cause a scene! Light a few fires in some office trash cans and kick over a chair! Go out like a bad ass! Do everything you need to do to get that handbook! After getting rid of you, the least they could do is give you the damn handbook.

I'm absolutely fucking with you. Who wants to get fired and arrested all in the same day? Seriously, though, if that's your only copy try to take it with you. That way you can see what you are entitled to in the event that you were fired. That's the part you skipped over because it was "like" never going to happen... jokes on you.

2. Cry

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This is completely acceptable unless you bought your mascara from anywhere other than WalMart or the local pharmacy. Cry, be pissed, be upset, take a selfie and look at yourself to review the damage. It's completely natural. Your pride, if nothing else, has been wrecked. If you didn't know, crying is a healthy practice. According to British psychiatrist, Henry Maudsley , "the sorrow which has no vent in tears may make other organs weep." I don't know what that means, but it sounds like cry avoidance requires a trip to the doctor, which you can't afford right now because healthcare is ridiculously costly and you no longer have health insurance. Did you forget you were fired! You literally cannot afford to keep that ish pent up!

Sidenote: I shouldn't have to tell you this, but you're unstable right now so I'll help you out. DO NOT POST THE CRY SELFIE ANYWHERE! Do you really want to have to explain to your next employer why your cry selfie is the most shared meme of 2016?

3. Get A Check Up

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Speaking of your health, your insurance coverage shouldn't run out until the month is over. That is unless they were incredibly evil and calculating and decided to fire you at the end of the month. Just in time to cut you out of bonus payouts and not giving you enough time to schedule any appointments.

Yes, child. The devil is busy...

4. Apply For Unemployment

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ASAP. Since technology is awesome, you can apply online and depending on the circumstances, you might not miss any direct deposits. Marvelous, no?! Worst case scenario your claim is rejected, best case scenario; you get paid to job hunt. Do it now and thank me later.

5. Buy Alcohol

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Make sure to finish the bottle in one afternoon. It's only use is to get you through the night. Remember, you'll be job searching and submitting resumes from home, you don't need that kind of temptation in your life. Plus, one of the only things worst than drunk dialing is drunken resume submissions.

Avoid applying for anything on Craigslist while drinking...

I don't want to talk about it...

7. Tell Your Partner

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This is only required if the relationship is serious. Yes, it's the last thing you probably want to do right now, but if you don't then you're violating the circle of trust. This affects both of you regardless of how your bank accounts are set up.

BAD IDEA: Tell them during an expensive dinner at their favorite restaurant

More than likely they will cuss you out, cause a scene, and neither of you will ever be welcomed there again. Now they have multiple reasons to be pissed off.

GOOD IDEA: Tell them after sex

It helps to soften the blow. That's why couples have breakup sex. It's not regular sex, but that toe curling sex. The type of sex that gives you a pass to do whatever you want because they are in a state of euphoria... yeah, that sex.

8. Ask Yourself If You Even Liked The Job

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Is this even what you want to do with your life? If not, maybe it's time for a career change and if unemployment kicks in, this could be the perfect opportunity.

9. Update Your Resume

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It's been a long time since you've put yourself out there, but you technically should have been updating your resume while you had a job. Then again, I'm sure you thought that it would last forever, didn't you.

10. Be Critical Of Your Work Performance

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What did you do to screw this up for us?! Us, as in, 'me', 'myself', and 'I'. I'm sure you're talking to yourself by now. You've been home alone with nothing to occupy your time but resumes, Netflix, and unsolicited marketing calls. It was bound to happen. None of your friends will even answer their phones because they're all out making money and being productive, and shit, but that's okay. There is no better best friend then yourself.

And, yes, this is rock bottom. Try to take this as a learning experience and eventually you'll come to realize that you werejust too damn perfect.

Share with all of your sad, jobless friends! It will make them feel like you care.

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