He's a sarcastic, broody intellectual and he has SO MANY FEELINGS. He writes you poetry, he wears wooly turtle necks, you give him your v-card, your dad hates him, I mean, he sounds perfect. But watch out, lady, Hamlet is a more insidious sort of awful boyfriend. He's the extreme archetype of the college romance that does you wrong. He has big time mom issues (like, huge). He yells at you when he's moody and it's all "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW I FEEEEEEL" with him. Then he calls you names, goes on these huge rants about how he doesn't believe in the institution of marriage, (ugh, save it for your blog, Hambone) and says he never loved you. Then he says super heinous shit, like "Frailty, thy name is woman." And if you loved him less, if his dad didn't just get murdered, you would have said, "You're the frail one, you weirdo melancholy Dane! Piss off!" But crazy is an STD and this is the kind of guy that makes you nuts, like drive by his house at night, go through his emails, or throw yourself in a river BONKERS.
SHOULDA HIT IT WITH HORATIO, GIRL.