Simple Tips To Look Too Sick For Work/School

It's Thursday. You want to go out on Friday. Your pesky job/class/parents are in the way. Or maybe you're actually sick, but nobody believes you. Here are my simple tips for looking like crap so nobody challenges you. You can do some, or all of these tips.Use this sparingly to maintain your credibility as a decent, hardworking person. You go, you.

You're not sick. Or not sick enough....

I know how you feel. You either simply want to sleep in tomorrow, or feel awful but look fine. I'm not here to judge. Here are a few simple tricks you can use to convince those around you that you're on death's doorstep. No acting involved, and no you don't have to fake diarrhea. That's gross.

Well, speaking of mudbutt...

No Adam Sandler-esque fart noises necessary. At work/school/home the day BEFORE you want to stay home, simply go into the bathroom where people are in ear shot and (without making bottle crunching noises) pour water into the toilet violently. Feel free to add some moans and groans, but be careful. You don't want anyone to force you to the doctor. This is an easy way to sound like you have generic flu symptoms, without having to degrade yourself too much.

Drink herbal tea, vitamin water, etc

So maybe you have a day or morning to prepare. Nonchalantly announce you feel funny, and sip herbal tea, vitamin water, OJ, or even cough drops. I don't know what illness you're going for, but most sick people ATTEMPT to make themselves feel better.

Bags Bags Circles Bags

Now this one is easy to overdue, and works especially well for both ladies and gents. It's tricky, because overdoing it can blow your cover. I like to use an eyeshadow palette of browns, neutrals, greens and maybe some red-ish blush. Delicately dab your finger in all the colours at once, and apply under your eyes so you look like hell. And girls, don't wear any other sort of makeup. You want to look ill. Very like...ew ill. Don't use black, or they'll think you're just going through a 'phase'. You want subtlety here, so be careful. Don't use anything that will run or smear if you get sweaty or teary, that would be super awkward to get caught faking. Been there, done that, got fired...

Cake on yo face

Another tricky, but very effective step. Before you do anything to your eyes, mix a wee bit of your or your girlfriend's/mom's etc foundation with some flour. Apply an amount to your skin that looks normal-ish to you. I don't recommend adding green, you'll be institutionalized.

If cake isn't your style

A generous amount of strategically placed Vaseline on your ears, under your nose, or all over if you're going all out can mimic the effects of a fever, sleeping HARD, and generally being sweaty and icky. Again, subtlety is key. Don't look wet or rub your face after applying. Pretend like you don't realize how nasty you are.

Style tips from Rudolph

Every time you get a cold, you beat the hell out of your nose/upper lip. Recreate the effect with a intsy bit of red blush/eyeshadow on the tip on your nose and near your upper lip/nostril area. It is a "dead give away" you've been rubbing your nose constantly.

Don't milk it

Yes you are committed to the idea of not showing up. You may even be faking/lying a little to authority figures already. Just be sluggish,and while casually wheezing or coughing, say that you'll be fine and you'll get over it. If you're lazy ass doesn't have a good work ethic, pretend a little. Pretend you are being a trooper and wouldn't dream of missing a day of work/school. If you're nice and non obtrusive about being sick, most people will offer 'don't worry about it you look miserable go home'. Voila. Donezo. Calling in sick without people seeing you sick first is 50/50 a bad idea, especially if you're kinda flaky already. If you can quietly set yourself up the day before, go for it!