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    29 Tweets That Were Clearly Written By Dating Experts

    "All apps are dating apps if you're online enough."


    [preparing for a date] me: what if she kisses me roommate: you kiss her back, bro me: ok me: *thinking* but why her back though


    her: i like it when guys roll up their sleeves so you can see their forearms me: [looking down and realizing i only have two arms] fuck


    [restaurant] date: what the fuck dude me: you said you liked horses horse: you did say that


    Date: maybe go easy on the salt *i stand up so i can see over my pile of salt* Me: but what if there's a slug in…


    All apps are dating apps if you're online enough


    before you ask him on a real date, try doing something low pressure with him. like never speaking to him or vocalizing your interest


    [First date] Her: so what do you do? Sauron: 🔥👁🔥 Her: ok...fancy some wine? S: 🔥👁🔥 Her: look this isn't working S: 🔥👁💧🔥


    date: is this because i called Leonardo the red one me: [driving her home early] I'm just tired


    Dating - 2015: "Do I wanna spend the rest of my life w/this person?" 2017: "Do I wanna go thru the collapse of capitalism w/this person??"


    [first date] she: i'm a cat person me, trying to impress: *pushes her phone off the table*


    Me: i make 6 figures per year My date: wow that's pretty good Me: yea. although most people call them "figurines"


    *on a hot date* ME (wisely): you know you can't call it "French Onion Dip" unless it's from Onion Dip, France


    DATE: my eyes are up here ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry


    on a date: ME: lemme show u this meme i saw [the zillow page of his childhood home is the last open tab] ME: actually this isn't my phone


    [blind date] HER: I'm a ghost writer ME {trying not to look too scared}: When did you die?


    [first date] Me: that is hilarious Date: ... Me: wait, bread or dead? Date: how would my parents be bread?


    [blind date] HER: I am so against vaccines ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio


    [meeting girlfriend's parents] her dad: we'll be seeing more of each other then? me: *points to girlfriend* I have a girlfriend


    Her: I need me a man who can cook.. Me:


    [date] HER: Any hobbies? ME: I collect old comics HER: Oh! Like 1st editions? ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure


    [at a fancy dinner date] guy: *pours wine into my glass* so, what do you do? me: oh, you know....the most


    [at SunMaid farms with a guy] Guy: so is this a date? Girl:... No? These are raisins


    Mom: Take out the trash *I take the trash on a lovely date* Mom: Not what I meant *I assassinate the trash in an ally* Mom: Still wrong


    Date: You're being kind of quiet, is there something on your mind? My mind:


    [joyriding in stolen Lamborghini] HER: No way this thing does 150. ME: Only one way to find out... [pulls over & checks wikipedia]


    date: so whats ur zodiac sign ted cruz: [sweating] my what


    me: *is dead* cute guy at my funeral: she will never know how much i liked her me:


    [walking in park] date: "impress me" me: "i can talk to animals" date: "prove it" me: [to duck] "hello you fucking duck"


    [1st date] Maybe next time i could meet your dog [2nd date] Your dog is so cool [3rd date] Do u mind if me & your dog hung out without you