1. This will be fine and absolutely nothing like Meet the Parents.
2. It’s not a big deal, just meeting people who might eventually become my family and who could sway my partner’s opinion about me irrevocably.
3. Oh my god, this will definitely turn into Meet the Parents.
4. Is this gift good enough?
5. Is it weird I’m bringing a gift? Is that too formal?
6. No, surely that’ll be fine, everyone likes chocolate.
7. Oh my god, what if they hate chocolate?!?
8. Do I even want to be associated with people that hate chocolate?
9. Okay here they come.
10. Better focus my efforts on the mum, mums are much harder to win over, for some reason.
11. Their mum is cute! If Freud was correct, then that means I must be cute too.
12. Okay, that’s weird, don’t think that.
13. I should tell them their home is lovely.
14. Do I even think their home is lovely, or is that just a thing that people say?
15. It’s definitely a thing people just say. Their walls could be splattered with blood and I would still say it’s lovely.
16. What if I say their home is lovely and they think I’m only with their child for their lovely home, like some sort of gold digger???
17. Well, it doesn’t matter if they think that, because I’m only here out of love.
18. To be fair, it is a lovely home. I would probably knock down that wall, though.
19. Okay, right, they want to know what it is that I do.
20. Shit, how do I make myself sound impressive and not boring?
21. I wonder if they’re comparing me to all the previous girlfriends they’ve met.
22. I bet the previous girlfriends brought better chocolate with them.
23. Or maybe they were super cool and just casually strolled in, without chocolate, and were nevertheless immediately accepted as family.
24. I’d be pissed off if I was meeting my child’s girlfriend for the first time and she didn’t bring me offerings of chocolate.
25. Am I going to be expected to bring chocolate every time I see them now?26. When is an acceptable time to stop trying to bribe the parents of your lover?
27. If I were a parent, I’d specifically try and make this experience to be exactly like Meet the Parents, just as retribution.
28. It’s pretty amazing that they’ve resisted that urge so far, to be honest.
29. Bloody Ben Stiller, man.
30. His entire legacy will forever be synonymous with meeting parents. And Zoolander.
31. Shit, they asked me a question while I was busy thinking about Ben Stiller.
32. I wonder if they’re as nervous as I am?
33. Almost definitely not, they don’t need to impress me. I’m already in love with the result of their genetic material combining.
34. I should help clear up the table, that’ll definitely win points.
35. Maybe I’ll even offer to wash up??
36. Shit, they actually took me up on the offer.
37. On the bright side, I definitely look better than their own child right now. Look at that lazy shit, sitting there. Relaxed. The nerve.
38. Okay, time to say bye now – should I hug, or are they kissers?
39. Or are they cold, stern wavers?
40. Oh shit, I went in for a cheek peck and they did a hug.
41. Shit, that was awkward.
42. Thank god that’s over.
43. That’s fine, though – I’ll get my revenge next week when we meet my parents.