27 Things You're Expected To Know And Do Because You Are A Woman
"How to be hot but also somehow completely unaware of how hot you are."
1. How to be hot, but also not be aware of the fact that they’re hot, but still spend hours consciously doing everything possible so as to remain hot.
2. How to do the laundry, or the ironing, or literally any other chore because they are “female” tasks that somehow all women should just inherently know how to do, despite literally anyone being able to do them if they just tried.
3. How to sexily and casually fling their legs behind their heads during sex and then have an orgasm in that position, whilst also having absolutely zero clitoral stimulation.
4. How to be an effective and gentle therapist to someone they just met on Tinder who is unable to emotionally open up to anyone but strangers.
5. How to downplay their knowledge in an area of expertise because they’re smart, but not like, obnoxiously smart and unaware of their many flaws.
6. How to be a boss bitch who is neither bossy nor bitchy.
7. How to be a good hostess who puts everyone at ease and clears up the dishes after dinner, even when she’s actually a guest and not a host.
8. How to literally never smell bad despite being an oozing mammal like everyone else on this planet.
9. How to look after and emotionally bond with children even if the children are not hers, because obviously that motherly instinct will kick in 3-5 minutes after being in the presence of literally any small child.
10. How to take up no space in public while being an actual physical entity.
11. How to be “one of the guys” but absolutely not “masculine” in any way.
12. How to be low-maintenance whilst whilst also always wearing makeup, having “perfect” hair, a “perfect” figure, and “perfect” outfits, because anything less would be “letting herself go”.
13. How to let guys know that they’re available but not in a way that seems aggressive or “slutty”, but also not so subtly that they seem “frigid” or “a tease”.
14. How to present their ideas in a professional space but make them seem like they’re the ideas of the people they're being presented to.
15. How to be into “nerdy stuff” so their partner’s friends know they’re cool, but not so interested that they could make them look less cool in comparison.
16. How to cook their partner’s favourite childhood dish just like mama did despite never actually having tasted mama’s version of the dish.
17. How to look like they’re not wearing any makeup whilst wearing quite a lot of makeup.
18. How to tell someone creepy to fuck off, but in a fun and polite way so as not to hurt the creeper’s feelings.
19. How to never, ever fart.
20. How to be really stylish but also not to spend money on frivolous things like makeup and clothes.
21. How to smile on command.
22. How to “ooh” and “ahh” at the exactly correct times during sex to ensure the most encouraging and ego-boosting experience for their partner.
23. How to reject someone so as not to lead them on, but also not hurt their feelings, but also not put them in “the friendzone”.
24. How to navigate where in the house their partner has left their keys, or their jacket, or some other possession that somehow she’s supposed to be able to locate better than the person who’s actually used those things.
25. How to apply a very specific combination of expensive skincare products onto their face to unlock the coveted achievement of clear skin, despite the fact that blemishes are an inevitable part of having skin.
26. How to be really, really sexy, but like, in an empowering way.
27. How to ~have it all~, as if the there is nothing wrong with women having to make a choice between procreation and career, and as if there is an inevitable tension between the two.