1.
Me, absolutely twisted, coming home with a load of swords. Me waking up the next day with a room full of swords.
2.
every year thousands of boyfriends are hunted for their jeans alone
3.
Saw some pigeon detectives down at the lake trying to solve a murder.
4.
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (Oooooo)/ I am four eels/ Never meant to make your daughter cry/ I am several fish and not a guy
5.
I'm sorry Ms. Jackson (ooo) A truck full of eels Overturned on U.S. 101 It was shipping hell snakes by the ton https://t.co/QqsX8ekoA2
6.
The boys coming back into town
7.
Same
8.
me irl
9.
Still don't believe in evolution?
10.
You: Jon Bon Jovi Me, an intellectual: Jonathan Bonathan Jovi
11.
*Clears throat as if to announce something extremely important* "Jurassic Park" but the dinosaurs are from the β90sβ¦ https://t.co/au5fXRD9YE
12.
[squeezing by someone in McDonald's] McScuse me
13.
You already know what the fuck is going on
14.
get a man who can do both
15.
ME: I'll have the chicken dinner. WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick. ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
16.
HE MONCH BUTT - renaissance painting, 1602
17.
1960s: let's invent the internet in case there's a nuclear winter and no way of communication the internet today:
18.
me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today! [100 years ago] witch: fuck this house
19.
When a witch says your tongue has to float in the middle of your mouth without touching anything or you'll die.
20.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants Me: if u don't look at them they disappear Wife: that's ignorant Me: i know the technical term linda
21.
i π was π cursed π by π the π clapping π wizard π and π i π am π on π a π quest π to π kill π him π will π you π help π me π adventurer