34 Things That Would Happen If You Were In The "Gilmore Girls"
You don't know why, but you love Rory Gilmore as though she is your own daughter.
1. The weather is always seasonally appropriate and picturesque in Stars Hollow.
2. On the equinox at the start of each season, nature complies to Gilmore standards and like little soldiers, all the leaves simultaneously change to whatever state they’re expected to be in.
3. You’ve witnessed a small orange leaf crawl across the ground as the Gilmore girls approached, so as to be in the most artful position it could be.
4. Once, you experienced a rainstorm, and in that moment you thought “Ah. One of the Gilmore girls must be having a romantic kiss.”
5. You watched this rainstorm from Luke’s diner, sipping on warm cocoa at 11P.M., because establishment opening times are dictated by what is most convenient for the Gilmores.
6. You are deeply involved in community life. You have a job and other obligations? No you don’t, you fool. You must go to the town meeting.
7. But you mustn't speak in the town meeting.
8. Your opinions do not matter. This is not a democracy. This is a Gilmorocracy.
9. You once tried to speak to the Gilmores, but when you screamed no sound came out and Lorelai simply looked through you, as though your existence was on another plane she couldn’t see.
10. You have to get all your groceries from Doose’s market. Everything is expensive and they don’t stock any gluten-free options. Tough luck though, no chain stores in our picturesque little town.
11. So you must deal with your IBS in silence.
12. That’s fine though. You’re always in silence.
13. It’s Rory Gilmore’s birthday and you feel compelled to buy her a present.
14. You’ve never spoken to her but you must love her like your own daughter.
15. That’s the rule in Stars Hollow.
16. You dutifully bring Rory Gilmore a present and she smiles sweetly at you. You say nothing in response but smile and move along as the next silent resident brings forth their small offering.
17. Lorelai is complaining about how difficult it is to have wealthy white parents.
18. You want to shed a tear but instead your face contorts itself into a sweet smile as you offer the Gilmores a free pastry or bouquet of flowers, simply for existing.
19. The Gilmores pay for nothing in Stars Hollow. This is their town.
If you insist on not being white, make sure to be French, so as not to frighten the Gilmores.
20. Lorelai Gilmore is engaged and you must arrange a huge town celebration for her.
21. How does a hotel manager afford a gazebo and catering for an entire small town? It doesn’t matter. That’s none of your concern.
22. Whilst preparing for this celebration, you must carry quirky decorations in perfect unison with the other town members.
23. The town must always look perfectly busy with hubbub, but never chaotic.
24. You’ve developed a rhythm that allows you to artfully dodge a chain of small children holding hands whilst on your vintage bicycle.
25. All town improvement must be done with ladders and cheerful men in overalls. No scaffolding or large machinery is allowed. Scaffolding is not picturesque.
26. One day, you can’t go into half the town’s establishments and businesses. Lorelai and Luke have broken up and you’re deeply involved in these strangers’ love lives, for some reason.
27. You don a pink ribbon and sigh.
28. One day you hope for your own romance, but until then you must remain compliant and asexual.
29. Your romance will only detract from that of the Gilmores.
30. It is Rory Gilmore’s graduation and she's going to finally leave Stars Hollow.
31. You and the other town citizens dutifully arrange the last party, in silence, as always.
32. It is bittersweet. Your heart aches as this person to whom you’ve never spoken to continues her autonomous life, but you love her inexplicably.
33. She is the reason for your existence, though it has only ever been in the background of her own.
34. You fade away as the center of her life moves elsewhere. You wave, silently, as you have always done, and disappear into the abyss.