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19 Reasons Why Festivals Are Shit

Why do we lie to ourselves every single year and think they'll be a good experience?

1. Festivals are basically camping, but instead of peaceful nature and scenic views, you get a drunk 19-year-old waking you up at 4am by pissing on your tent.

Twitter: @Benoo_Brown

Basically, it's camping without any of the nice redeeming bits.

2. They're a double kind of dirty: They're full of actual dirt, but also the debris of several thousand drunk humans and far too few toilet facilities.

Mj Kim / Getty Images

3. So if you wear contact lenses, hygiene is a consistent worry.


Do you sleep in them and risk infection, or do you take them out and risk infection?

4. You will come in contact with bodily fluids that you never wished to come in contact with.

A naked guy has turned up at the campsite and took a shite in someone's tent #TITP2015

Some genius will throw a bottle of piss for some reason, and at least a few droplets of said piss will land on your person.

5. The weather will never be as good as you hope it'll be.

It'll either rain and you'll drown in a sea of mud, or it'll be so sunny that you'll marinate in your own sweat, and everyone else's, the entire time you're there.

6. You'll somehow reach that incredible stage of being slightly too warm in some parts, too cold in others, and damp all over.

7. By the end of the weekend, you can smell the portaloos before you see them.

Fox Network

8. Even if you are in the nice bits and have paid premium, or got into the VIP area, the toilets still stink and it's still dirty.

Twitter: @DanielRosney

Honestly I cannot believe there is a massive industry based around people paying hundreds of pounds to use a portaloo for the weekend?

9. The fashion is deeply predictable.

Twitter: @muammarfox

It's like everyone puts on a "free-spirited and culturally appropriative" character costume for the weekend.

10. You will definitely see a pair of tits and/or a dick that you did not wish to see.

Twitter: @DanielRosney

Look, I'm all for nudity, but I believe that the consent goes both ways. First, the person being nude must consent to being nude. Secondly, the person who is witnessing the nudity must also consent to it. I do not wish to be accosted by the sight of a stranger's willy flapping about in the breeze in broad daylight.

11. Most of your time there will actually be spent idly wandering from one end of the giant field to another.

Comedy Central

12. You will probably miss at least one of the acts you wanted to see.


Probably because you were idly wandering around in a giant field.

13. You will definitely meet an intolerable shit who tells you he's a shaman whilst wearing an outfit entirely made out of hemp.

BBC Three

You are not a shaman, Barney, you're a 19-year-old pharmaceutical sciences undergraduate from Winchester.

14. The food is overpriced and you'll probably have to eat it on the floor.

15. You will probably be caught in a stampede and lose all your friends, and feel like you're a kid again and you can't find your mum at the supermarket.

when you lose all your homies at a festival πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

16. You'll inevitably lose some sort of precious possession.

Just got a random flashback of losing my (flip)phone at Coachella 09, when I picked it up from lost and found they were reading all my texts

Maybe your keys, your favourite sunglasses, or your dignity. Either way, the festival season demands a sacrifice.

17. You will spend longer recovering from the festival than you actually spent at the festival.

DreamWorks Distribution

Even if you didn't get totally wasted, you'll need several days to recover from laying half-awake on a cold floor for three nights.

18. Worst of all, it's probably the worst environment in which to listen to live music.

How good can the acoustics be in a giant field full of distracted, drunk teenagers?

19. And you're actually expected to pay an extortionate amount of money for this experience.

Nickelodeon Network

Let me give you a tip: You do not need to pay hundreds of pounds to smell other people's piss and to not be able to hear your favourite band play.

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