All The Glamorous Things I Will Do When I Am A Rich Old Lady
I will insist on my grandchildren referring to me as Grandmamá, with extra emphasis on the á.
1. When people visit me, my butler will open the door and I will then greet them by descending a winding staircase, wearing a luxurious silk gown.
2. I will walk elegantly and with purpose around my large, echoing house in this gown, and it will billow dramatically behind me.
3. I will have perfect posture, despite the fact that I currently have terrible posture.
4. I will have a bar in nearly every room, so that whenever I am having an important conversation with someone I will also be in the process of making a cocktail.
5. I will always have an elegant crystal glass on hand, so whenever someone tells me something shocking, the glass will slip out of my hand and on to the marble floor, echoing as it shatters into a million glittering pieces.
6. I will insist on my grandchildren referring to me as Grandmamá, with extra emphasis on the á.
7. My grandchildren will be required to bring their prospective partners to meet me. During this meeting I will take their partner quietly aside, and whilst I make a cocktail, I will ask them just a few questions that will leave them feeling as though I saw right into their soul.
8. They will simultaneously fear me and crave my approval, but also understand that I am fundamentally a good and warm person.
9. They will also be required to call me Grandmamá.
10. My nails will always be perfectly manicured and in subtle, neutral colours. Occasionally they will be painted red, or a more "fun" colour, but only in the summer.
11. I will have many luxurious designer gowns, each gifted to me by former lovers and designers enchanted by my beauty and grace. However, I will let my young grandchildren play dress-up in them because their childlike joy is of far greater value to me than a £10,000 crystal-embellished ballgown. Besides, I will have so many.
12. My loungewear will be made entirely of cashmere in the winter, and silk in the summer. I will also accessorise with long, layered pearl necklaces, and somehow this will be entirely comfortable for me.
13. I will always sleep in an eye mask. The elastic at the back will never leave a dent in my hair and the front will never leave marks on my face.
14. Though I will mostly wear elegant and refined clothing, I will have a bohemian side, and occasionally swap my classic silk gowns for velvet, embellished ones as I lounge in my wicker throne in a beautiful and large Victorian greenhouse, full of very lush ferns and palms.
15. I will have one dog, a large, grey great Dane named Horatio. He will never need a collar because he will always be by my side. He will never bark, but at times omit a low rumbling growl if someone shows any signs of aggression towards me. In those moments, I will quietly pat him on the head and he will lie down by my feet once more.
16. I will also have two Siamese cats, named Eros and Anteros. I will always laugh about how they’re named after gods of love but show little love towards anyone but me.
17. My favourite pet, though, will be a Burmese python. It will have a name, but no one will know it, as I’ll only ever refer to it as “my serpent”.
18. I will have many young lovers who will be enamoured by me, but I will laugh off their proclamations of love. They’re so young and naive!
19. I will sometimes paint one of my youthful lovers nude, whilst wearing a crisp linen painter’s smock, or maybe yet another silk gown. It really doesn’t matter if my silk gown is stained with oil paints, I have so many.
20. I will have large and tasteful portraits of myself, perhaps nude, because men have celebrated themselves in this way for centuries, why can’t I?
21. I will have a very large art collection, most of it involving nudity, but always tasteful.
22. All of my husbands will have died under mysterious circumstances. Don’t ask about them, it is too painful.
23. Though I miss Carlos the most. He was my favourite and the last.
24. It is such a shame, what happened to him, on that boat off the coast of India. So tragic.
25. All my friends will either be powerful lawyers or well-known artists and filmmakers. I will host elaborate dinner parties and somehow Salvador Dalí will also attend them. I know he’s dead now, but he will come back to life just to experience these parties.
26. I will greet all my dinner party guests in their native tongue and they will all remark how good my pronunciation is.
27. I will donate vast amounts of money to charitable causes and be an ambassador for many global organisations. Nevertheless, my wealth will never diminish, because I invested so wisely.
28. I will winter in Italy or Rio de Janeiro, where I will lie by my private pool in a very large straw hat and gigantic sunglasses, because the sun ages you, my dear, and I’ve managed to maintain my youthful good looks by avoiding it.
29. Using the word “winter” as a verb will not be unusual for me, because it will be no big deal to relocate to another warmer climate for three whole months.
30. I will always leave very generous tips, because I won’t forget my humble beginnings.
31. I will know how to play poker and be very good at it, although I’ll never do it because I didn’t get so rich by being reckless. However, I will teach my grandchildren how to play, because it is still an important skill to have. None of them will ever beat me.
32. I will live to 101 but still look 65 on my deathbed. With my last breath, I will reveal what really happened to Carlos.