back to top

15 Pictures Of Renaissance Women With Spectacular Gravity-Defying Boobs

Five hundred years ago, gravity didn't exist, according to these boobs.

Posted on

5. Because if so, you might just be a woman in a Renaissance painting.

Lucretia, Lucas Cranach the Elder, 1538 / Creative Commons / Via

Who were basically presented just as a woman's face on a man's body, with boobs attached as an afterthought.

7. "Women basically look just like men but with two orange halves on their chests? Yes that sounds about right."

David and Bathsheba, Jan Matsys, 1562 / Creative Commons / Via

Art historians HAVE noticed these weird Renaissance boobs, don't worry. Some of them say that the reason why they're so weird is because the (mostly male) artists of the time just didn't have access to female models, so they basically just had to guess what women's bodies looked like.

8. Tfw your boobs need to move out of the way to make room for your sick eight-pack.

Leda and the Swan, Jacopo Pontormo, 1512-1513 / Creative Commons / Via

Another theory to explain their weird-as-heck boobs could be that women's bodies were basically just seen as imperfect versions of the "original, canonical" body, i.e. the male body.


9. "Yes. Definitely canonical," said Eve, checking out Adam's cannon.

Adam and Eve, Hans Baldung, 1524 / Creative Commons / BuzzFeed / Via

After all, the Bible said God made Adam first, in his own image, and Eve out of Adam's rib.

10. To be fair, the boobs aren't the weirdest thing in this painting.

Leda and the Swan, Paolo Veronese, c. 1560 / Creative Commons / Via

So if men's bodies were the ~perfect, original human form~, then the ideal female figure would be as masculine as possible, because that would make it more ~godly~.

11. "Mammary glands? More like perfectly spherical milk balloons, amirite ladies?"

Madonna Surrounded by Seraphim and Cherubim, Jean Fouquet, 1452 / Creative Commons / Via

Perhaps none of the painters had ever actually seen a boob before?

12. Women that did have droopy boobs had to hide their non-spherical boobs behind clothes and six younger versions of themselves.

The Seven Ages of Women, Hans Baldung, 1544 / Creative Commons / Via

This painting is called "The Seven Ages of Women", btw, and clearly demonstrates that a woman's boobs will suddenly lose their perfect roundness immediately after her fifth age, and that she will then be banished to the background.