The Seven Wonders Of The Tinder World

As I pathetically "nope" my way to eternal singleness, I "literally can't" comprehend the thought process behind these seven rather perplexing Tinder trends.

Wonder 1: Why all the death, bro?

Screen grab from Youtube user gameofthronesquotes / Via youtube.com

But really. Judging by many profiles, The game of Tinder actually is one of life or death! The amount of hunter-gatherers proudly displaying dead things on there KILLS ME (pun shamelessly intended).

I mean, how can I shallowly judge your looks while the lifeless eyes of Bambi's uncle stare into my soul? And why is that gun so big? Are you overcompensating?

These are questions I will never ask a Tinder man, because nope.

Wonder 2: Didja eat it?

I never knew how many fishermen populated my area until every other Tinder swipe brought what nobody ever would consider an attractive photo of a man and his catch.

Things you won't catch with that pic: me.

Wonder 3: What are you trying to achieve...

Pinterest user Melony B / Via pinterest.com

... with that nudie, Don, 28? Is it herpes? Jail? A failed political career before it even starts? All intentions aside, the only emotional reaction that dick pic will erect is violation. Also, no one really believes that, uh, thing, is yours. NEXT!

Wonder 4: Who'sagoodboy?!

Tinder Dudes / Via doge.noodlytime.com

Because according to your photos, you're a dog. Come on, Fido is cute, but anyone can Google search "cute puppy" and pretend it's their BFF. Nope, you might get a few matches that way, but you don't fool me, Brennan, 24, from 4 miles away.

Wonder 5: WHICH. ONE. ARE. YOU?

Because even though your bio specifically states your average height, after visually dissecting each of your photos (all with the same 7 people), I can't tell which vaguely blonde guy in the group you are. In this case I assume you're insecure and swipe #tothelefttotheleft.

Wonder 6: Who is that girl with you?

AND WHYYYYY? DON'T YOU GET IT? DON'T YOU GET LIFE?!

No. You don't. Next.

Wonder 7: Is this real life?

It can't be. Because on no civilized planet would one strategically choose a Snapchat of oneself smoking marijuana in front of a Confederate flag dressed as a Ninja Turtle with the caption "want sum get sum" the featured photo on their dating profile, amiright?

... am I?!