A Guide To Your Perfect Anti-4th Of July

Not feeling the ‘Murican spirit? Here are some ways to spend the day without having to hear “You’re a Grand Old Flag” on repeat.

1. Forget pancakes. Start your day off with a hearty Irish breakfast…

Mmm…blood sausage.

2. …to the soundtrack of a not-American classic:

When choosing an outfit, don’t wear red, white or blue.

Okay, the unitard is optional, but make sure you wear something that is VISIBLY not trying to emulate the American flag in any way, shape or form. And yes, turquoise is okay.

Or you can wear all three colors in an ironic way.

If you’re not a corn-fed American, rep your home country’s flag! Berets/scrub caps are a must.

After that, listen exclusively to songs from abroad.


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Does “The Star-Spangled Banner” come with its own dance? I think not.


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Cheat on Budweiser by drinking foreign beers.

They’re not twist-off, but the taste will be worth it. The taste of sweet, sweet rebellion.

3. Don’t grill any of your meals. In fact, fuck grilling.

Ain’t nobody got time for that.

Order in instead. The ethnic and not-burger options are endless.

While other people have to deal with getting bugs in their food…

You can eat in bed!

This will also get you away from all that July 4th parade nonsense.

4. If you want to run around outside, don’t play croquet.

5. Cricket is way more badass.

6. If you’d rather watch a game, skip the great American pastime.

7. Check out the Tour de France.

Eric Gaillard / Reuters

When it gets to fireworks time, remember they’re kind of a death wish.

And also can be pretty anti-climatic.

So watch an action movie instead!

Warner Bros. Pictures / Via guycodeblog.mtv.com

Better explosions. Better looking people.

Even better: a foreign action movie.

DNA Films / Via stuffnewspaper.com

8. Or if you can’t drown out the noise outside, just turn on a lively Bollywood flick.

Bhansali Films / Via wastedmemorie-s.tumblr.com

Dancing required.

9. And at the end of the day, you don’t have to worry about letting America down.

You can have a great, less-than-patriotic day and America will still love you.

Why? Because America is a free country and you can do whatever you want.

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