1. Oh, I do not feel good. Not at all. Not one bit.
2. It's like the worst hangover in the world, but I haven't drunk since the weekend. Did I drink last night? No, no, I definitely have not consumed any alcohol.
3. So much pain. So much nausea. Oh, my I think I'm going to hurl.
4. That was gross.
5. Surely I can't go into work today?
6. God, even the thought of the train journey makes me want to vom — oh no!
7. That was exceptionally gross.
8. Can you skip work for the flu? Is that a thing? Cause these are not cute little sneezes. These are, I-have-to-make-sure-I-don't-blow-my-brain-out-through-a-nostril kinda sneezes.
9. Should I really go all the way into work, and infect all those innocent people on the tube? In the office? No, I would be a bad person, a bad human, a bad global citizen.
10. So it is decided, I am going to take a sick day. An executive decision has been made.
11. I feel so gross.
12. I am in such a horrible state of limbo – I'm absolutely starving, yet the thought of food disgusts me.
13. Cereal – vom. Eggs – vom. Pancakes – vom.
14. I can't believe I just said vom to pancakes. I must seriously be ill.
15. Perhaps a plain slice of toast and some peppermint tea. The most inoffensive of all of the breakfasts. No way will this play havoc on my tummy, no way, no sir. A nice little bit of butter on my warm toast.
16. VOMCANO ALERT. VOMCANO ALERT.
17. I'm just going to stay in bed. It's safe in bed. No one can hurt me.
18. God, the bed is so damn hot. But without the covers it's so damn cold. #FirstWorldProblems.
19. I need to take some cold and flu tablets. But they are all the way downstairs. This is the biggest dilemma I've faced all year. Are they worth it?
20. Still thinking about whether the cold and flu tablets are worth it.
21. Still thinking.
23. FINE I'LL GET THEM, GOD.
24. I have lost all sense of smell my nose is that bunged up. There could be a dead horse in here stuffed with 10-day old rubbish and freshly soiled baby nappies, and I still couldn't smell a thing. It's quite unnerving.
25. Ugh, did I leave the VapoRub downstairs? Smooth going kiddo, smooth.
26. Pondering whether it is worth going downstairs to get the VapoRub.
27. Still pondering.
28. God damn, I need it. I have to get out of bed AGAIN. This is not how a day in bed is supposed to go.
29. It's on days like this I really need a butler. A butler called Winston. Jeeves is way too obvious, Winston is a man you can trust.
30. Maybe chocolate isn't such a bad idea? You've got to feed a cold right? I'll just take this here chocolate upstairs and '"feed my cold."
31. FOR GOD SAKE I FORGOT THE DAMN VAPORUB AGAIN.
32. VapoRub is actually the best thing ever. Is it weird that I like this so much? Maybe it's a little weird. Not hugely weird, just a little weird.
33. You know it is a bad day when both chocolate and VapoRub have no effect whatsoever. A real bad day.
34. Maybe I should try and just nap. Sleep it off.
35. Lights off, blinds closed, let's do this. Going to fight this flu with some good old fashioned shuteye.
36. CAN'T BREATHE, NOSE BLOCKED, VAPORUB USELESS, CAN'T SLEEP.