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The Best And Worst Reindeer Officially Ranked By Santa

Prancer is kind of a dick.

1. Comet

Getty Images/iStockphoto RolfAasa

Comet is Daddy's good boy. He's a damn fine deer. I tell him things I don't even tell my wife. Sometimes when the other reindeer are sleeping, Comet and I wander off to watch the freshly falling snow and just think about life, you know? What does it all mean? And, yes, we can read each other's thoughts. I know some of you will think that's crazy, but I'm a magic fat old man, so you can imagine how many fucks I give. (It's zero.)

2. Dasher

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Dasher's fine. Whatever.

3. Dancer

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Dancer's spirit was broken a LONG time ago.

4. Cupid

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When it comes to reindeer, Cupid is fat and slow. He's made it perfectly clear that this is a business arrangement we have going and he's just going through the motions. And you know what? Fine. Have it your way, Cupid.

5. Donner

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Donner acts like every sleigh ride is a suicide mission. He puts the other reindeer on edge. He's a major liability but if you want your reindeer to be flying reindeer, your options are super limited. One time he kicked me right in the spleen.

6. Prancer

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Prancer is a REAL HANDFUL. Yes, she's good at what she does. But the problem is she KNOWS it. Honestly, she's the best there is in the flying reindeer game but her attitude is total garbage. She gets the job done better than anyone but as far as I'm concerned, she's a garbage deer.

7. Rudolph

Getty Images/iStockphoto Mats Lindberg

As you know, this was a whole thing. The Rudolph saga was completely overblown by the media. All of the other reindeer are STILL getting hate mail. It's nothing but drama with this deer. His contribution to Christmas has been exaggerated at best. It's like, OK, we get it, his nose glows, cool. Meanwhile, I've got a decades-old PR nightmare that won't die.

8. Blitzen

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Blitzen would be a great deer except for one MAJOR deal breaker: He. will. not. stop. biting. me. Every day he's biting me. There's nothing he loves more than just biting. Does he bite other people? Not really. No, he loves biting me specifically. All the time. I literally hate him.

9. Vixen

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Vixen wants me dead. She's made that very clear. She scares me. I lay awake at night just wondering if tomorrow will be the day she finally takes me out. It's a terrifying existence.

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