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12 Reasons The 12 Days Of Christmas Is Garbage

More like 12 days of NO, THANK YOU.

Honest to god, these are not gifts of a "true love". These are the gifts of a psychopath. What's so wrong with a nice book or necklace or sweater? I'd even take socks!

1 Partridge in a Pear Tree

Flickr: 69877992@N00 and Flickr: 69026156@N00 / Via Creative Commons

The fuck is this? #1, do you think I have the means to take care of a partridge properly? Secondly, do you think I have the TIME to take care of a pear tree? Both of those things need tending. I don't even like pears but if I did, I'd buy them at the damn store.

2 Turtle Doves

So you're telling me that not only am I now responsible for one Partridge but 2 turtle doves?? Three fucking birds? Who wants three birds. Did you ask if I had the space? Are you providing the cage? What is wrong with you.

3 French Hens

Creative Commons / Flickr: 36041246@N00

At least I can eat these but that's 6 birds now. 6 birds I didn't want and I have a feeling you don't want me to eat these hens but you know what? I didn't want them in the first place.

4 Calling Birds


Side note: am I getting new versions of these each day? Why would you do this? This is the worst idea ever.

5 Gold Rings

Flickr: 49091796@N04

I mean, okay. I can wear one and then sell the rest for some $$$$. OR ARE YOU TAKING ME TO THE OLYMPICS? Either way, this is the only thing that's worth a damn, you creepo fool.

6 Geese-a-Laying

That's cool. Except if they're laying fucking eggs, that's going to increase the amount of birds I have by A LOT. TOO MANY. STOP THE MADNESS.


Flickr: 8559279@N05

DID YOU EVEN ASK IF I HAD A POND? Well, I don't. No one does.Also, FOR THE RECORD, I now have 23 birds I never asked for or wanted. Did you just raid a bird farm and don't know what to do so you're pushing them on me? Because that's what it sounds like and it's absolutely awful. I'm reporting you to the police.

Perhaps more importantly, have you met swans? What kind of monster would gift SEVEN of these??

8 Maids-a-Milking

Creative Commons /

What are they milking? Who are they milking? I have no cows, no goats, no anything to milk but me. I'm so confused but mostly, I'm terrified.

9 Ladies Dancing

Creative Commons / Flickr: 54936557@N04

Come on, man. Don't do this to me. The last time I watched 9 ladies dancing, I had to sleep on the couch for a week.

10 Lords-a-Leaping

Ocean: Flickr: 51035655711@N01 , Lorde: Kevork Djansezian / Reuters

Are you trying to get me motivated to lose some weight? If so, rude. If you mean 9 more of the singer Lorde, I don't know why you just can't be happy with the one we have. HARD PASS.

11 Pipers Piping

Flickr: 91779914@N00

So, you're saying you just gave me TWENTY THREE FUCKING THREE BIRDS and then you're going to give me people who won't stop playing a bag pipe????????? NO ONE LIKES BAG PIPERS. ESPECIALLY COMBINED WITH BIRDS SQUAWKING. NO, NO, NO.

12 Drummers Drumming

Creative Commons / Flickr: 85487216@N00

Excuse me, have you BEEN to a drum circle? This is like that ring of hell but permanently in your home. 23 birds plus some strangers milking, leaping, and drumming are NOT welcome in my house.

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