Logan: When it comes to fashion, I’m like whoever is the most respected fashion designer in the world. Plus I have a subscription to Details, so, yeah, I guess you could say I’m an expert.
Matt: I have three pairs of pants and I DON’T have a subscription to Details, so, yeah, I guess you could say I’m more of an expert than Logan.
Logan: I’m pretty sure I own this sweater. OMG! Did Andorra steal my sweater? Those jerks! Wait. No. There are, like, seven of them. Nevermind. Carry on, Andorra.
Matt: I asked for a Fair Isle sweater from my mom for Christmas. I guess J. Crew must have gotten the shipping address wrong.
14. British Virgin Islands
Logan: I like that this outfit has NOTHING to do with the British Virgin Islands. Or maybe it does. I don’t know. That bright scarf is distracting me and confusing me and I don’t like it.
Matt: Power scarf. Power lifestyle.
Logan: Talk about a BOLD move. I mean, in terms of risk-taking, Bermuda is da bomb. Unfortunately this bomb BLEW UP IN THEIR FACE! Because it’s so ugly. (Whatever, I’m proud of that one).
Matt: They’re wearing shorts…in Russia…at the Winter Olympics! That’s called patriotism!
Logan: I like this outfit. It’s definitely something people are going to remember. Mostly because it’s a rainbow design for an Olympics hosted in country where it is basically illegal to be gay. But also because rainbows make people happy.
Matt: The best statement that’s “not a statement.”
Logan: I feel like this was supposed to look cooler than it actually does. It’s like someone said, “Make an outfit with some badass designs” and then some kid in 6th grade was like, “I got this.”
Matt: I would totally have rocked this for 1.5 months in 8th grade. In fact I probably did.
Logan: Who invented the beret? Was it Spain? Did Spain invent the beret? If not, get rid of it immediately. Other than that, I guess the private school look is something people enjoy? Okay, to be totally honest, they look like they belong to a club that won’t let me in and that angers me. Why you gotta be so uptight, Spain?
Matt: I think the private school look is pretty classy. They might need to ditch the beret though.
Logan: Everything about this outfit tells me I shouldn’t like it and yet I absolutely love it. I’m a sucker for that teal, man. Big fan of teal. Or turquoise. Are those different? I say no.
Matt: This is probably a good time to admit I’m partially color blind, but I think this should have been more blue and less yellow. *crosses fingers that those were the colors*
Logan: What’s with the hats? Are those cardboard? Seems to me like Kyrgyzstan has been spending a little too much time on Pinterest.
Matt: I’ve made one of those hats before. It may have been out of a beer box, but it took a lot of time and effort and I got a lot of compliments on it.
Logan: Straight up, I would wear this, like, every damn day. That jacket is dope.
Matt: They look like they wore white jackets to a team paintball game and decided “fuck it,” and that’s pretty cool. If I ever went snowboarding this is exactly how I’d dress.
Logan: I don’t know who put together this outfit, but I want to shake his or her hand because THIS is a good look. It’s smart, simple and it has substance. And no, I don’t know what that means.
Matt: The Netherlands’ casual elegance never ceases to amaze me. No one pulls off orange and black like the Oranje.
4. United States of America
Logan: No joke, I hated this outfit when I first saw it, but now I’m all, “Oh hell yeah, USA. Where can I buy that sweater?” You know?
Matt: I love America. I do not love these sweaters. In fact I think I’ve seen them at a Polo outlet store.
Logan: Their jackets look like a poster at a travel agency. And I can’t stop thinking about that, so I will just end my commentary here.
Matt: Savvy move by Tonga here. Sure, their jackets are pretty loud, but they’re loud enough for people to remember them.
Logan: Those jackets are so busy…umm… those jackets are so busy they just… those jackets are so busy I bet the zipper has its own traffic report. YES! Boom roasted, Ukraine. I got you so good.
Matt: Staring at their jackets for too long makes me dizzy.
Logan: I’ve literally never seen anything more Russian than these outfits. The only way this could get MORE Russian is if every athlete was holding a matryoshka doll (shout out to Google).
Matt: And finally, I’d like to welcome the Durmstrang Institute to the Triwizard Tournament.
- Miami Marlins star pitcher José Fernández has died in a boating accident. He was 24.