An Airtight Case That Forrest Gump Is The Best Fictional Athlete Ever
You can’t argue with facts and logic based on science.
1. Because his life was about so much more than sports, Forrest Gump is rarely mentioned in the same sentence as other great fictional athletes — Rocky, Roy Hobbs, Teen Wolf. But he was the most accomplished of them all. Think about it.
He’s easily on par with the guys from Chariots of Fire as a sprinter. I mean, that motherfucker ran out of his leg braces. His ground speed was so fast that it straight up destroyed steel bars.
Who brought him on to the Alabama football team, where he became an All-American.
How about outrunning an airstrike? Because Gump did that too, while carrying his best good friend, who weighs, like, way more than a football. You think Air Bud could handle this kind of napalm?
Did any of the Mighty Ducks ever run so far for so long that it created a movement and inspired an entire country to rethink their lives? Because Forrest did.
Not only was he the United States Table Tennis Player of the Year — an award you didn’t even know existed until just now —
But his ping pong skills basically saved our great nation’s freedom.
Plus, he’s got mad MMA skills, deploying a superb ground-and-pound attack.
We’re talking about unquestionably the best football player and table tennis champion in history — with clear talents in sprinting, MMA, swimming, hurdles, and ultramarathon endurance. Forrest Gump is Bo Jackson crossed with Usain Bolt crossed with AMERICA.
Contributions
- Eric Trump said it took "courage" for his father to refrain from bringing up Bill Clinton's infidelity during Monday's presidential debate.
- As a perpetually plugged-in, texting, swiping, selfie-taking human being, you might be damaging your body without realizing it.
- The Senate voted to override President Obama's veto of a bill that would allow families of 9/11 victims to sue Saudi Arabia.
