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    Jan 29, 2015

    Ranking The Ladies Of "The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills"

    As determined by a boyfriend who has only seen some of Season 5.

    Evolution Media

    Before we begin, it should be noted that I am just starting to watch this show, so anything that's happened before this current season (Season 5) is basically irrelevant and has no weight on these rankings whatsoever. All right. Let's do this.

    In order of their introductions, we start with Lisa Vanderpump:

    Evolution Media
    Evolution Media

    It's rather fitting that Lisa is first because I think of her as the head housewife. She has a bunch of dogs, a swan doorman, and a British accent. I like her quite a lot.

    Lisa seems to be anti-drama, or rather, anti-bullshit, and I really enjoy her very matter-of-fact way of dealing with people. If she doesn't like you, she doesn't like you and that's the end of it. If life were a game (which it is), Lisa would win. Or not, because Lisa keeps it real and she doesn't play games.

    Lisa gets 4 out of 5 diamonds.

    Yolanda Foster:

    Evolution Media
    Evolution Media

    Listen, y'all. Yolanda Foster is the light and the way. I'm not even kidding. On top of being ABSOLUTELY STUNNING, and having an adorable Dutch accent, Yolanda is also the nicest lady in the whole wide world and I want her to adopt me. In fact, if she weren't happily remarried with kids nearly my age, I'm sure we'd be a power couple.

    Like Lisa, Yolanda also seems to distance herself from drama, but in more of a friendly way. Instead of dismissing you, she'll comfort you and try to understand your point of view. She's fun, outgoing, and she has a refrigerator with a see-through door, which is easily the coolest thing ever and now the only thing I want in my future home.

    Yolanda gets 5 out of 5 diamonds.

    Lisa Rinna:

    Evolution Media
    Evolution Media

    I've been told Lisa Rinna is new this season, but I feel like I know her more than the other cast mates because she's Lisa Rinna. With that being said, I've never actually seen Days of our Lives or Melrose Place, so, again, I know nothing.

    I thought I was going to hate Lisa because, well, I don't know. OK, fine, it's because her lips are big and fake and I thought she'd be big and fake too because I'm shallow and judge people based on their looks. SO SUE ME! Anyway, turns out I was way wrong. Lisa is surprisingly down-to-earth and her honesty about herself and certain situations is pretty funny. I'm sorry for judging you, Lisa!

    Lisa Rinna gets 3.5 out of 5 diamonds.

    Eileen Davidson:

    Evolution Media
    Evolution Media

    Eileen is apparently an award-winning actress. Like Lisa Rinna, Eileen is also new this season and I've never seen her before in anything. I believe she's in a soap opera, but who knows? (OK, I just looked it up. Eileen has basically been in every soap opera ever. I have no clue how I don't know her, and yet I know exactly why... it's because she's in soap operas.)

    For the most part, Eileen seems easy-going, but my big gripe with her is that I feel like she's constantly reminding us that she shouldn't have to deal with the petty drama. Which is true, but it's also like, "YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE ON THIS SHOW, EILEEN!" Ugh. I'm sorry. I want to like her, I really do, but she's one of those people who you just mess with because you know she'll get mad. I can't remember if Eileen has a dog, but if someone was like, "Eileen, your dog is dumb and ugly," she'd raise an eyebrow and walk away, but then at lunch the next day she'd break down in tears talking about the horrible incident: "I just don't understand why someone would say things like that!" It's because your dog is dumb and ugly. Get over it.

    Eileen gets 2 out of 5 diamonds.

    Kim Richards:

    Evolution Media
    Evolution Media

    To my understanding, Kim is a former child actor, who may or may not have been a child *star*. Her name sounds familiar, but I don't know who she is, so to me she is simply Kim from The Real Housewives. Hi, Kim!

    Anyway, I like Kim. Sort of. She's a little strange, but I like her. She reminds me of the fun aunt who goes on vacation and comes back with crazy gifts that need explanations like, "OK, these stones are from a cave in Nicaragua. What you do is, you put them in a bag, shake it up, take three out, and those are the things you have to work on for the day." I have no doubt that she smoked weed back in the day and I find her whimsical personality endearing.

    She's also clearly going through a rough patch in her personal life right now (or at least in the most recent episodes), so I'm here to give her some love. Not too much though, because I take these rankings very seriously and don't play favorites. (That's a lie. Yolanda is my favorite and will forever be #1).

    Kim gets 3 out of 5 diamonds.

    Brandi Glanville:

    Evolution Media
    Evolution Media

    Brandi is f**king nuts! She gets a little sloppy when she drinks, and if it weren't so entertaining, it would scare me. But it IS entertaining, so I'm fine with it.

    The simple truth is that Brandi makes great TV. Without her, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills wouldn't be as good. Whether it's intentional or not, her lack of a filter makes for some extremely awkward and uncomfortable moments, and she LITERALLY threw a drink at Eileen just because she wanted to see what would happen. She's the pretty villain we all love to hate.

    The only problem I have with Brandi is that I don't think she wants to be the villain. I feel like she desperately wants to be liked by everyone, especially head housewife Lisa, but she's young and tired of apologizing, so now she just does and says whatever she wants. Brandi was made for reality TV.

    Brandi gets 4 out of 5 diamonds.

    Kyle Richards:

    Evolution Media
    Evolution Media

    Kyle is Kim's sister and was apparently a child actor/star, as well. But just like her sister, I only know Kyle from this show, so... she is only famous for being a housewife. Which ironically means she's more famous than most actors, so whatever. Life is funny like that and this show is ridiculous. Moving on...

    OK, here's the thing about Kyle: I like her, until something happens and then I don't like her anymore. I think she tries to do the right thing, but it often backfires on her. It's sort of like she tries to keep it real, but she doesn't have the shutdown quality that Lisa Vanderpump has, so when things bother her, she reacts and often overreacts.

    On a related note, I'm willing to bet Kyle has cried over misplacing her keys. Which, yeah, sucks, but it's also like, "Well why didn't you just put your keys in the key bowl? That's why we got the key bowl, Kyle." And now suddenly everyone's fighting and we're no longer going to the party — even though we found the keys — because she's mad that I brought up the bowl thing again.

    Honestly, watching this show is exhausting.

    Kyle gets 2.5 out of 5 diamonds.

    Final Standings:

    Yolanda: 5/5 diamonds

    Lisa: 4/5 diamonds

    Brandi: 4/5 diamonds

    Lisa Rinna: 3.5/5 diamonds

    Kim: 3/5 diamonds

    Kyle: 2.5/5 diamonds

    Eileen: 2/5 diamonds

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