How To Survive A Cub Attack

Follow these step-by-step instructions to make sure a cub attack never happens to you.

Jorge Soler, one of the Chicago Cubs’ top prospects, was ejected from a minor league game last night after sprinting towards the opposing team’s dugout with a bat in hand following an altercation.

Fortunately, his teammates caught him before he was able to swing the lumber, but the incident did clear both benches and was described as “kind of like a nightmare” by Soler’s manager.

Although no one was injured in this particular dispute, it’s not exactly an isolated incident. Cubs have been known to attack before…

So to make sure you’re prepared for when it happens again, here are step-by-step instructions on how to survive a cub attack:

4. When a grizzly cub attacks:

- Stay calm.
- Climb high up into a tree.
- Play dead by putting on a Houston Astros uniform.

5. When a black cub attacks:

- Fight back.
- Hit the cub across its sensitive snout.
- Throw things like, sticks, dirt and rocks into the cub’s eyes. Unless you’re Carlos Marmol. In that case, you shouldn’t be throwing anything.

6. When a California cub attacks:

- Fight back.
- Use straight line kicks (act like you’re trying to kick open a door).
- Kick the cub in its face or frequently-injured elbow.

7. If you can’t identify the type of cub:

- Make yourself appear bigger. (Hold your arms up above your head.)
- Avoid making eye contact.
- Avoid any sudden movements.
- Back away slowly facing the cub, so you can watch him, and offer him a bleacher ticket.

And there you have it. Now you know how to survive a cub attack.

The good news is that Carlos Zambrano is no longer in Chicago, because that dude is crazy and completely unpredictable. He honestly might be more dangerous than an actual bear. When one cub attacks another cub, none of us are truly safe.

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