On March 29, 2005, stand-up comic Mitch Hedberg died. To honor this anniversary and his career, I collected and ranked nearly every single one of his jokes. Enjoy!
275. I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
274. Advil has a candy coating. It's delicious. And it says right on the bottle "Do not have more than two." Well then do not put a candy coating around it.
273. I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question."
272. I fuckin' hate arrows, man. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like, "Fuck you, I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"
271. Acid was my favorite drug. Acid opened up my mind, it expanded my mind. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. I saw through the bullshit.
270. I used to live here in Los Angeles, on Sierra Bonita, and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. I'd say, "Go around! I cannot open the wall. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing... it's just flat!" [Listen]
269. I saw a lady with a flower, she was plucking out the petals, she was saying "he loves me, he loves me not." Thank god the flower can't talk, what would it say? "Fuck that hurts. Fuck that hurts as well. Fuck, leave me alone. I'm no longer pretty... And he loves you not. I could have told you I had an even number of petals!" [Listen]
268. Listerine hurts. Man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. Germs do not go quietly.
267. That would suck if you became a priest and the day came where you had to fight the devil, you'd be like "Shit, I didn't think that was for real!"
266. You know that show "My Three Sons"? That'd be funny if it was called "My One Dad".
265. I ran some Evian water through a filter... the shit disappeared! It was so fuckin' pure.
264. I told the crowd last night to fuck off, but then I felt bad, so I said "All right, fuck back on."
263. Gel's funny. You wash your hair and then you put gel in it. It's like, it's clean now, let me fuck it back up.
262. When I'm on my hotel elevator, I like to pretend that someone else's floor is wrong. Like, if someone gets on and presses 3, I'm like "You're on three? Hahahaha. Dude, I don't think I can ride with you." [Listen]
261. I was at a restaurant, I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. I said "Dude, you are a cow. The metamorphosis is complete. Don't fall asleep, I will tip you over." [Listen]
260. Seahorses are slow. If I was in the ocean, I would not be a gambler on the horse races ... because you would be there fuckin' days. [Listen]
259. Man, remember that movie The Outsiders and one of the guys name was "Soda Pop", and at the time it was cool?... It's not cool right now. Your nickname was "Soda Pop"... you would be dead. [Listen]
258. I remixed the remix... it was back to normal.
257. My manager's cool, he gets concerned, he says, "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch... because a crutch helps me walk. [Listen]
256. As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. So if I end up at the top of a slide, I have to act like I got there accidentally. "How'd I get up here, god damnit?! I guess I have to slide down." [Listen]
255. When I play the South, they say "y'all" in the South. They take out the "O" and the "U". So when I'm in the South, I try to talk like that, so people understand me. "Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle... sp." [Listen]
254. I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. [Listen]
253. I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.
252. Alcoholism is a disease. But it's like the only disease you can get yelled at for having. [Listen]
251. I was gonna stay overnight at my friends place, he said "You're gonna have to sleep on the floor.".... Damn gravity. You got me again. You know how badly I want to sleep on the wall. [Listen]
250. Dogs are forever in the pushup position.
249. I did comedy for a fundraiser once. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.
248. I walked by a spy shop, you know those places that sell surveillance equipment? Every time I walk by a spy shop I think "I need to put some surveillance on somebody. Rick's been acting fishy. I need to buy a little camera. I need to buy a safe that looks like a Coca-Cola can." [Listen]
247. I saw a commercial for an above ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above ground pool. [Listen]
246. I got a fire alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer. "Do you want to slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle." [Listen]
245. There's a commercial on late-night TV for this thing you attach to a garden hose, it says "You can water your hard to reach plants with this product." Who the fuck would make their plants hard to reach?! That seems so very mean. [Listen]
244. You know when they show someone on TV washing their hair under a waterfall? That's fuckin' bullshit, man. Because that thing would knock you on your ass.
243. I like the public hot tub at the hotels, the whirlpool. I like to go there when there's a guy in there already and say "Hey, man, you mind if I join ya?" And he says "no." Then I go and I turn the whirlpool heat up. Then I come by and I add some carrots and onions... then I say "Hey man, just simmer for ahw-I mean, sit there." [Listen]
242. I'd like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It'd be so damn literal! You are using that machine to it's exact purpose! [Listen]
241. Now if I was to give a duck bread, I'd give him Pepperidge Farm bread because that shit's fancy. It's wrapped twice. So you open it... and it still ain't opened. That's why I don't buy it. I don't need another step between me and toast. [Listen]
240. Do you think when the guy came up with the idea to invent a bong, a blacklight popped up over his head?
239. I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you people feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question. [Listen]
238. I think animal crackers made people think all animals taste the same. "What does a giraffe taste like?" "A hippopotamus!"
237. I got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth... it looks like the fan is saying "No." So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. "Do you keep my hair in place?" [Listen]
236. I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would buy a baby naming book... or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on. [Listen]
235. I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat. God damn it anyway!
234. My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
233. You can't have seaweed as a house plant because you'd have to water it way too much. [Listen]
232. I went to the Home Depot the other day, which was unnecessary... I need to go to the Apartment Depot. Which is just a big warehouse with people standing around saying "Hey, we ain't gotta fix shit." [Listen]
231. The commercial for Diet Dr Pepper says "It tastes just like regular Dr Pepper"... well then they fucked up.
230. I get the Reese's candy. If you read that name Reese's, that's an apostrophe S. Reese's apostrophe S on the end of that name. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. [Listen]
229. I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy, you know? Refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does, then you add "er." [Listen]
228. I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fucker gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fucker gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it." [Listen]
227. I think they could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine five years from now saying, "Damn, remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank." [Listen]
226. I went to a doctor, all he did was suck blood from my neck. Don't go see doctor Acula.
225. Imagine being killed by a bow and arrow, that would suck. An arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy... Let's go that way." [Listen]
224. People think I'm into sports just because I'm a man. I'm not into sports. I mean, I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. [Listen]
223. I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It would have to be real fucking big.
222. If you find yourself lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament."
221. They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime, but I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
220. Vending machines are a big part of my life. I like when you reach into the vending machine to grab your candy bar and that flap goes up to block you from reaching up. That's a good invention. Before that, it was hard times for the vending machine owners. "What candy bar are you getting?" "That one . . . and every one on the bottom row!" [Listen]
219. When I think of a duck's friends, I think of more ducks, right? But, shit, he could have, like, a beaver in tow. [Listen]
218. I saw a guy juggling chainsaws. It was cool, but unless something needs to be sawed down, then it's just annoying. It's like, "Come on, Rick, can we use ONE?" [Listen]
217. I got a Do Not Disturb sign on my hotel door. It says Do Not Disturb. It's time to go with DON'T disturb. iI's been Do Not for too long.We need to embrace the contraction. [Listen]
216. I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much fuckin' meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "What would you like sir?" "A pastrami sandwich." "Anything else?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people." [Listen]
215. I met the girl who works at the Double Tree front desk. She gave me her phone number... it's zero.
214. I went to the store, bought eight apples. The clerk said, "Do you want me to put them in a bag?" I said, "Oh no, man, I juggle.... but I can only juggle eight. If I'm ever in here buying nine apples, bag 'em up." [Listen]
213. The only way I could get my old CD into a store is if I would take one in and leave it.
212. I got a business card... because I want to win some lunches.
211. When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed and wondered where my brother was.
210. Xylophone is spelled with an "X". That's wrong. Xylophone "Zzz" "X?". I don't fuckin' see it. It should be a "Z" up front. Next time you spell xylophone, use a "Z". And if someone says "Hey, that's wrong," say "No it ain't." [Listen]
209. I don't own a cellphone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know all the time. [Listen]
208. People ask me for my autograph after the show. I'm not famous, I think they're fucking with me. They're trying to make me late for something.
207. Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move.
206. People teach their dogs to sit. It's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life. A dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
205. I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first to see if she would read that too.
204. If you have to release bad news to the public, it would help if you are not ugly.
203. You know how they call corn on the cob "corn on the cob," right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn off the cob."
202. I use the word "totally" way too much. I need to change it to something that's different, but means the same thing. "Mitch, do you like submarine sandwiches?" "All encompassingly." [Listen]
201. I like vending machines... because snacks are better when they fall. If I go buy a candy bar in a store, often times I will drop it, so it reaches it's maximum flavor potential.
200. My roommate said, he goes, "I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first. [Listen]
199. I have a girlfriend named Lynn. She spells her name L-Y-N-N. And my old girlfriend's name is Lyn too. She spells her name L-Y-N. Every now and then, I fuck up. I call my new girlfriend by my old girlfriend's name. And she can tell because I don't say "nn" as long. [Listen]
198. That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like, you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and then they would travel down to your stomach, then when they get there, the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
197. I wish I could play Little League now... I'd kick some fuckin' ass.
196. A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
195. I don't own a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.
194. Snake eyes. It's a gambling term. Or it's an animal term, too.
193. Two-in-one is a bullshit term because one is not big enough to hold two. That's why two was created.
192. I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen, but he could not read it. He thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
191. Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, "I'm gonna go shave... too."
190. My sister wanted to be an actress. She never made it, but she does live in a trailer. She got half way. So it's like she's an actress, she just never gets called to the set. [Listen]
189. I drank some boiling water... because I wanted to whistle.
188. I have a cheese shredder at home. That's a positive name for it: cheese shredder. They don't call it by its negative name because nobody would buy it... sponge ruiner.
187. A snake bite emergency repair kit is a body bag.
186. I got a robe. It's not a robe, really, it's just a towel that fits me.
185. I've seen a human pyramid before... it was very unnecessary.
184. My manager takes 10% from me. Sometimes I work for free drinks. I bring him home a Jack and Coke.
183. If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker and you were walking on the sidewalk with him, and he fell... that would be completely unacceptable.
182. This product that was on TV, it said you can have this product for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like to have a product that was available for three easy payments... and one complicated payment. We're not gonna tell you which one it is, but one of these payments is gonna be hard. [Listen]
181. One time I had a Jack and Coke, it had a lime in it, and I saw that the lime was floating. That's good news, man. The next time I'm in a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime.
180. I'm a heroine addict... I need to have sex with women who saved someone's life.
179. I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, "I hear music"... as though there's any other way you can take it in. [Listen]
178. I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me, he'll say "What?" So I'll say it again, but once again, he doesn't hear me, so he says "What?!" But really, it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying, but now I'm yelling "That tree is far away!" [Listen]
177. My friend came up to me and he said "Hey, you know what I like? Mashed potatoes." It was like, "Dude, you gotta give me time to guess. If you're gonna quiz me, you gotta put a pause in there." [Listen]
176. I hate turkeys... if you go to the grocery store and you stand in front of the lunchmeat section for too long, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. You see, like, turkey ham, turkey pastrami, turkey bologna. Somebody needs to tell the turkeys, "Man, just be yourself!" [Listen]
175. If I had nine of my fingers missing... I wouldn't type any slower.
174. A lot of bars have black lights. And when a bar has black lights, everybody looks very cool. Except for me... because I was under the impression that the mustard stain came out.
173. When I'm off stage, I don't talk very much, I'm pretty quiet, right? And I hang around people who talk non-stop. All they do is talk, talk, talk. I can't get a word in edgewise. And when I do, I usually say something like, "Hey, man, you want some taffy?" [Listen]
172. I was at a bar, I was minding my own business, no one was talking to me, because I had just did a show. This guy bumped into me which is cool, but he didn't apologize, he said "Move", and I thought that was rude so I said "Go to hell", and then I started to run. He caught up with me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, a pair of sunglasses, his hair was in a ponytail, and he was wearing a hat. He said "Hey, you got a lot of nerve." I said "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories. [Listen]
171. When I was on acid, I would see things, like beams of light. And I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
170. I can't floss my teeth, man. I can't get into the flossing thing. People who smoke cigarettes, they say "Man, you don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to START flossing.
169. Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to somebody you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfucka!" [Listen]
168. I think Visine was only invented for pot heads. Who else would buy Visine? "Say man, I don't want people to know I have been swimming..." [Listen]
167. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use... like an extreme longing for cake. [Listen]
166. I like cinnamon rolls. That's why I wish they made cinnamon roll incense. Because I don't always have time to make a pan. Perhaps I'd rather light a stick... and then have my roommates wake up with false hopes. [Listen]
165. That would be cool if SpiderMan shot hammocks instead of nets. "Hey, you're not a criminal, but you do need to relax." [Listen]
164. I asked directions to the store, this guy said, "Well that's just a hop, skip and a jump away." ... "Well that's not how I'm getting there... You got directions for those who are walking?" [Listen]
162. I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.
161. I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!
160. Whenever I hang around a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise. That way, if we are photographed, we are easy to identify.
159. I used to buy a lot of M&Ms; they're a delicious candy. But then I switched to aspirin. I find if you hand your friend two aspirin, he doesn't look at you like you're selfish.
158. A lot of death metal bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary," or "Obituary". We weren't that intense. We just went with "Injured". Later on we changed it to "Acapella"... as we were walking out of the pawn shop. [Listen]
157. To do this show, I had to take a physical. They asked me a bunch of medical questions. And they were like yes or no questions, but they were very strangely worded. Like, "Have you ever tried sugar... or PCP?" [Listen]
156. I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
155. I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument. Because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. [Listen]
154. I was at a restaurant, I ordered a chicken sandwich, but I don't think the waitress understood me. Because she said, "How would you like your eggs?" So I tried to answer her anyhow. I said, "Incubated! And then raised, and then beheaded, and then plucked, and then cut up, and then put onto a grill, and then put onto a bun. Damn! It's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled!"
153. As a kid, I used to jump on beds. But as an adult, I do not sleep on trampolines.
152. I walked by a record store, the sign out front said they specialize in hard to find records and tapes... nothing was alphabetized!
151. I had a piece of Carefree sugarless gum... and I was still worried.
150. If you have dentures, do not use artificial sweeteners because you will get a fake cavity.
149. I gotta idea for sweat shops... air conditioning! Problem solved.
148. My hotel is haunted. I saw a sheet lying on the floor... must have been a ghost that had passed out.
147. I was downtown in some town and they had store, store, store, and then there was an open area, then they had more stores. It said in the open area "Coming soon: The Gap" I'm like "Fuck, man. It's coming soon and it's already here." [Listen]
146. That would be cool if you lived with a monster... you would never get hiccups!
145. I got a vest. If I had my arms cut off, it would be a jacket.
144. When you have a CD in a store, you have to do in-store appearances. If nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping.
143. A fly was very close to being called a "land" because that's what it does half the time.
142. I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs. [Listen]
141. You should never tell people they have a nice dimple... because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
140. Some companies like to spell out words, so you call 'em up and remember their name. But they use too many letters because they can't edit it. "Give us a call at 1 800 I LOVE BRAND NEW CARPET." [Listen]
139. I saw a band in LA and the band was having an off night and some people starting throwing tomatoes at the band. I thought "Who would throw a tomato at a band?" That's bad. But then I thought "Who would bring a tomato to a show?" That's even worse. [Listen]
138. I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast, and I don't think I would, because I figure you stay at a bed and breakfast, by the end of the day, you start to get hungry. "Is that all you got around here? Then you need to direct me to a chair, lunch dinner." [Listen]
137. The Kit Kat candy bar has the name "Kit Kat" imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique. I go down to the factory, "You owe me some letters!" [Listen]
136. I like to drink red wine, this girl says "Doesn't red wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually. But the first and the middle part are amazing." I'm not gonna stop doing something because of what happens at the end. "Mitch, do you want an apple?" "No, eventually it'll be a core." [Listen]
135. As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes... all exciting at first, but then by the end, you're fucking sick of 'em. [Listen]
134. If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends and someone offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Because inside is a note that says "Say thanks." [Listen]
133. I'm in my hotel room, my friend comes over, he says, "Can I use the phone?" I said, "Certainly," he says "Do I have to dial 9?" "Yeah, especially if it's in the number." [Listen]
132. I wrote a letter to my dad. I was gonna write "I really enjoyed being here" but I accidentally wrote "rarely" instead of "really". But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out. So I wrote, "I rarely... drive steamboats, dad." [Listen]
131. I was in a park and I saw a kid flying a kite and he was so excited that his kite was in the sky. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. [Listen]
130. I wake up in the morning, I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal. Then I don't do shit for an hour. Makes me wonder why I need the instant oatmeal. I can get the regular oatmeal and feel productive. [Listen]
129. I never joined the Army because "at ease" was never that easy to me. Seemed rather "uptight and still." [Listen]
128. I want to climb a mountain, not so I can get to the top, because I want to hang out at base camp. That seems fuckin' fun as shit. You sleep in a colorful tent, you grow a beard, you drink hot chocolate, you walk around. "Hey, you going to the top?" "Soon." [Listen]
127. ... I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore, I get the roundabout AIDS test. I call my friend Brian, I say "Hey Brian, do you know anybody who has AIDS? No? Cool.... because you know me."
126. If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.
125. I think we should only get three honks a month on the car horn. Because people honk the car horn too much. Three honks, that's the limit. And then somebody cuts you off, you press your horn, nothing happens, you're like "Shit, I wish I wouldn't have seen Ricky on the sidewalk." [Listen]
124. It takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one. By the time it's done... who knows? [Listen]
123. You know when you go to concerts, and the kids get on stage and they jump into the crowd, stage diving? People think that's dangerous, but not me. Because humans are made out of 95% water. So the audience is 5% away from a pool. [Listen]
122. You know, you can't please all the people all the time. And last night all those people were at my show.
121. The thing that's depressing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I will never be as good as a wall. [Listen]
120. I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision because I didn't know how to play it. So I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me. [Listen]
119. I have a few cavities. I don't like to call 'em cavities. I like to call 'em "places to put stuff." [Listen]
118. ... it's against regulations for Subway to sell just the bun. I guess the two halves ain't supposed to touch. So I said, "All right, well put some lettuce on it," which they did. They said it'd be a $1.75. I said "It's for a duck." They said "All right, then it's free." See, I did not know that. Ducks eat for free at Subway. Had I known that, I would have ordered a much larger sandwich. "Let me have the steak fajita sub. But don't bother ringing it up, it's for a duck!" [Listen]
117. I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's going.
116. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'm going to replace it before they check me off and charge me. But they made that shit impossible to replace. I go to the store, I say, "Do you have Coke... in a glass harmonica?" [Listen]
115. When we were on acid, we would go into the woods because when you're in the woods trippin', there's a less likely chance you'll run into an authority figure. But we ran into a bear. That was even more of a buzzkill. [Listen]
114. I like to take a toothpick and throw it in the forest and say "You're home!"
113. I had a box of Ritz crackers, and on the back of the box, they had all these suggestions as to what to put on top of the Ritz. Try it with turkey and cheese. Try it with peanut butter. Oh, come on, man, they're crackers, that's why I got them. I like crackers. I didn't buy them because they're little edible plates. [Listen]
112. I rent a lot of cars, cause I go on the road. And when I drive a rental car, I don't know what's going on with it, right? So a lot of times I'll drive for, like, ten miles with the emergency brake on. That doesn't say a lot for me, but it really doesn't say a lot for the EMERGENCY BRAKE. [Listen]
111. I had a roommate, his name was Eddie, and Eddie was a little slow on the mental draw. I was writing a letter, I had a problem, I said "Ed, how do you abbreviate 'Arkansas'?" He said, "I don't know. Just start spelling it and quit." [Listen]
110. I don't wanna have my face on the cover of a Wheaties box. I wanna have my face on the cover of a Rice Krispies box. "Snap, Crackle, Mitch and Pop." [Listen]
109. I play golf. I'm not good at golf, I never got good. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "Fore!" but I was too busying mumbling "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him." [Listen]
108. When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things besides comedy. They say "All right you're a stand up comedian, can you act? Can you write? Write us a script." They want me to do things that's related to comedy, but it's not comedy. That's not fair. It's as though if I was a cook, and I worked my ass off to become a good cook, and they said "All right you're a cook... can you farm?" [Listen]
107. I was at a casino, I was standing by the door, and the security guard came over and he said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit," as if though there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. [Listen]
106. I played in a death metal band. People either loved us or they hated us... or they thought we were OK.
105. Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when people try to hand me out a flyer, it's kind of like they're saying "Here, YOU throw this away."
104. A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef!
103. I read last year that MTV's Real World got 40,000 applications. That's amazing, man... such an even number. [Listen]
102. That would suck if a drink was ice cold... because then it would be impossible to drink. [Listen]
101. I wear glasses. I stopped wearing 'em... because when you wear glasses and you talk to someone, you always think they're outside of a window. [Listen]
100. I got a door deal here, I'm working for 50% of the door and then tomorrow I'm working for 50% of the door and then on Sunday... I'm gonna have a door. [Listen]
99. I saw a lady on TV, she was born without arms. Literally. She was born with her hands attached to her shoulders. And that was sad. But then they said "Lola does not know the meaning of the word "can't." And that to me was actually kind of worse, in a way. Not only does she not have arms, but she doesn't understand simple contractions. [Listen]
98. If you're a fish, and you want to become a fish stick, you have to have very good posture.
97. I wear a necklace now... because I like to know when I'm upside down.
96. If I was a headless horseman's horse, I would fuck with that dude. "Yeah, we're going that way. We're not headed toward the hay." [Listen]
95. In Venice, Italy, they don't have streets, they have canals. So in Venice, Italy, we have to keep the kids off the canals. [Listen]
94. I would imagine if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
93. I type 101 words a minute, but it's in my own language.
92. I put fruit on top of my waffles... because I want something to brush off.
91. I perform at the colleges and I always buy the shirt from the college because they're quality shirts and they're colorful. But people get the wrong idea, you know? I walk around with a Washington University shirt on and someone goes "Hey, Washington U, did you go there?" "Yeah... it was a Wednesday." [Listen]
90. I had a bag of Fritos. They were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Hell yeah! Reminds me of summer... when we used to fire up the barbecue... and throw down some Fritos.
89. Last time I called "shotgun," we had rented a limo... so I fucked up.
88. One time I went to a craft fair, and I see a jar of jellybeans, it said "Guess how many jellybeans are in the jar, and you win a prize." Aw, come on, man. Let me just have some. I'll tell you what, you guess how many I want, if you said "a handful" you are right. [Listen]
87. I smoke cigars occasionally. I don't know a lot about cigars. Like, I'm at the cigar store, the man behind the counter says "What kind of cigars do you like?" "Uhh... Itsaboys." [Listen]
86. I did a radio interview. The DJs first question was "Who are you?" I had to think, "Is this guy really deep or did I drive to the wrong station?"
85. One time I was supposed to be on David Letterman, and it was the same time that Madonna was on, and Madonna went long, so I got bumped. But I got to eat cantaloupe backstage so it was still cool. [Listen]
84. I don't know how to fix a car. If my car breaks down and the gas tank does not say "E", I'm fucked... But if the gas tank says "E" I get all cocky. "I got this one, don't worry about it." [Listen]
83. I'm selling T-shirts after the show. They don't have my name on 'em, they're just Hanes 3-packs.
82. I like the Fed Ex driver because he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it.
81. Hey, you know what keeps me from acting? Fuckin'... auditions.
80. I got my hair highlighted... because I thought some strands were more important than others.
79. You know there's a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish, but they let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, but they do want to make it late for something. [Listen]
78. I walked by a dry cleaner at 3am, the sign said "Sorry we're closed." You don't have to be sorry; it's 3am and you're a dry cleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I'm not gonna walk in at 10am and say "Hey, I walked by at 3, you guys were closed. Somebody owes me an apology." [Listen]
77. I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
76. I got New Balance shoes on, but they're old... so I might start falling.
75. I like when they say shampoo is volumizing... because my hair is fuckin' quiet. [Listen]
74. I wish they made fajita cologne... because that shit smells good.
73. I collect stamps. The easiest way to collect stamps... is to not mail shit.
72. Sometimes when you're too drunk on stage, people get mad, they say "Can I get my money back?" That would be funny if people could get their money back for other shit when I was really drunk. Like, "I saw Mitch Hedberg. He was drunk... and I want to return this saw." [Listen]
71. Anybody here watch ESPN Classic? I saw a baseball game on there. The guy hit a foul ball. Fuckin' classic, man. [Listen]
70. I'm sick of Soup of the Day! It's time we make a decision. I want to know what the fuck soup from now on is. [Listen]
69. There's many billboards, they have the lotto jackpot, it says "Estimated lotto jackpot $55 million." See, I didn't know that shit was estimated. That would suck if you won and they go "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry." [Listen]
68. I wish all my clothes were made out of blankets. That way, if I fall asleep with my clothes on, fuckin' A, I'm tucked in. [Listen]
67. I got a jump rope. That thing's just a rope, man. You gotta make the jump thing happen.
66. I put Carmex on a cold sore. Because Carmex is supposed to alleviate cold sores. I don't know if it does help, but it will make them shiny and more noticeable. [Listen]
65. I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid... is fuckin' clean.
64. They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable... it's just they taste shitty.
63. People say "Mitch, why'd you get into comedy? Were you funny?" "No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones."
62. I tried to walk into Target... but I missed. [Listen]
61. On a traffic light, green means go and yellow means yield. But on a banana, it's just the opposite. Green means "hold on" and yellow means "go ahead." And red means "where the fuck did you get that banana?" [Listen]
60. My hotel doesn't have a 13th floor because of superstition. But, c'mon man, people on the 14th floor, you know what floor you're really on. [Listen]
59. I bought a $7 pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
58. I bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. I don't need a receipt for the donut, man. I'll just give you the money, then you give me the donut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a donut... [Listen]
57. I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicting to gambling... I'm addicting to sitting in a semicircle.
56. I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
55. I think Pizza Hut is the cockiest pizza chain on the planet, because Pizza Hut will accept all competitor's coupons. That makes me wish I had my own pizza place. "Mitch's pizzeria. This week's coupon: unlimited free pizza." [Listen]
54. I never had a piggy bank, but one time I had some bacon and it tasted an awful lot like change.
53. Every McDonald's commercial ends the same way, right? McDonald's commercials end like this: "prices and participation may vary." I want to open a McDonald's and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonald's owner. I'll say "Cheeseburgers? Nope... we got spaghetti!" [Listen]
52. I like when they say that a movie was "inspired by a true story" because that's weird. It means the movie is not true, it was just inspired by a true story. "Hey Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her children into the river and they all drown?" "Yes I did. And that inspired me to write a movie about a gorilla." [Listen]
51. You know when it comes to racism, people say "I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green." Oh, hold on now. Purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people.
50. My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion. Fuck. Seven. Not even close." [Listen]
49. I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. It's like, "Dude, you have to wait."
48. I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient.
47. This jacket is dry clean only... which means it's dirty.
46. I bought a house. It's a two bedroom house. But I think it's up to me how many bedrooms there are, don't you? [Listen]
45. I saw on HBO they were advertising this boxing match, it said "It's a fight to the finish"... that's a good place to end.
44. I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit!
43. Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy... all day. [Listen]
42. I opened up a yogurt, it said "Please try again" because they were having a contest I was unaware of. But I thought I might have opened the yogurt wrong. [Listen]
41. I haven't slept for 10 days... because that would be too long.
40. I can read minds. But it's pointless because I'm illiterate.
39.. I think Big Foot is blurry, that's the problem. [Listen]
38. I was gonna have my teeth whitened, but then I said, "Fuck that, I'll just get a tan instead."
37. I was going to get a candy bar, the button I was supposed to push was HH. So I went to the side, I found the H button, I pushed it twice. Fuckin' potato chips came out, man, because they had an HH button. For christ's sakes, you need to let me know. [Listen]
36. I like Kit Kats... unless I'm with four or more people.
35. If you're watching a parade, make sure you stand in one spot. Don't follow it. It never changes. And if the parade is boring, run in the opposite direction. You will fast forward the parade. [Listen]
34. I bought myself a parrot, the parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry"... so it died.
33. I can't tell you what hotel I'm saying at, but there are two trees involved.
32. I got some tartar control toothpaste. I still got tartar, but that shit's under control. [Listen]
31. I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
30. I got a king size bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he would be comfortable. [Listen]
29. I like refried beans. That's why I want to try fried beans. Because maybe they're just as good and weren't wasting time.
28. I think Pringles' initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truck load of potatoes arrived. And Pringles is a laid back company, they said, "Fuck it, cut 'em up." [Listen]
27. Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus... or a really cool opotamus?
26. My apartment is infested with koala bars. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter. And I don't want 'em to. I'm like, "Hey, hold on fellas. Let me hold one of you." [Listen]
25. This is what my friend said to me, he said "I think the weather's trippy." And I said "No, man. It's not the weather that's trippy. Perhaps it is the way that we perceive it that is indeed trippy." Then I thought, "Man, I should have just said... 'Yeah.'" [Listen]
24. This one commercial said "Forget everything you know about slip covers," so I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slip covers, but I didn't know what the fuck they were. [Listen]
23. Dr. Scholl makes foot products, right? And he's a doctor, which means he went to school for a long time. But it doesn't take a lot to figure out that stepping on a cushion would be more comfortable. That fucker wasted lots of time at school. 'Cause I would have bought that shit from a Mr. Scholl. [Listen]
22. Mr. Pibb is the replica of Dr Pepper. But it's the bullshit replica because dude didn't even get his degree! [Listen]
21. I like rice. Rice is great if you want to eat 2,000 of something.
20. You know when you go to a restaurant on the weekends, it's busy, so they start a waiting list? They start calling out names, they say "Dufrane, party of two. Table ready for Dufrane, party of two." And if no one answers, they'll say their name again. "Dufrane, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufranes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufranes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry - that's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, SEARCH party of three! You can eat once you find the Dufranes." [Listen]
19. I wrote a script and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts. And he read it and he said he really likes it, but he thinks I need to re-write it. I said "Fuck that, I'll just make a copy."
18. I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations I've traveled to, but first I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map, so it won't fall down. [Listen]
17. I write jokes for a living, man. See I sit in my hotel at night, I think of something that's funny and then I go get a pen and I write it down. Or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny. [Listen]
16. I have no problem not listening to The Temptations, which is weird.
15. I hate dreaming. Because when you wanna sleep, you wanna sleep. Dreaming is work, you know? Like, there I am, laying in my comfortable bed in my hotel room. It's beautiful. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-kart with my ex landlord. [Listen]
14. I order the club sandwich all the time. And I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it. [Listen]
13. You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just gonna ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
12. One time a guy handed me a picture, he said "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. [Listen]
11. I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.
10. I used to be a hot tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day. [Listen]
9. I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was a paperboy. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses... or two dumpsters.
8. I find that a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced over whether or not I have bread.
7. In England, Smokey the Bear is not the forest fire prevention representative. They have Smacky the Frog. It's a lot like a bear, but it's a frog. I think that's a better system. I think we should adopt it. Because bears can be mean, but frogs are always cool. Never has there been a frog hopping toward me, and I thought "Man, I'd better play dead. Here comes that frog." I would never say "Here comes that frog" in a horrifying manner. It's always, like, optimistic. Like, "Hey, here comes that frog, all right. Maybe he will settle near me and I can pet him, and put him in a mayonnaise jar, with a stick and a leaf, to recreate what he's used to." [Listen]
6. I had one anchovy. That's why I didn't have two anchovies. [Listen]
5. My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, but I said "No... but I want a regular banana later, so yeah." [Listen]
4. I like escalators, because an escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. There would never be an "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign. Only an "Escalator Temporarily Stairs... Sorry for the Convenience." [Listen]
3. My belt holds up my pants and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What the fuck's really going on down there? Who is the real hero? [Listen]
2. Every book is a children's book if the kid can read.
1. I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.