1. Greg Goldberg - The Mighty Ducks
Let’s not kid ourselves. Goldberg might have been the worst goalie in Minnesota. For a large kid, he sure did suck at making himself big in the net. He also had a crappy attitude when people would shoot the puck at him. Dude, you’re the goaltender, that’s your job!
2. Scott Howard - Teen Wolf
I mean, where do I even start with this kid? He can’t dribble, shoot, pass, or play defense. His form is terrible, and he has a tendency to jump on his teammates after every point, allowing the opposing team to have a fast-break.
He’s also the shortest player on the court, which is a huge disadvantage in high school. Sorry, Scotty, but maybe getting water for the team is more up your alley.
3. Henry Rowengartner - Rookie of the Year
I don’t care how fast you can throw; if you are 12-years-old, you cannot play in the major leagues. Especially when you only have one pitch! Also, maybe try and disguise that floater next time. You’re kind of giving it away when you completely change your form and throw the ball underhand. Just sayin’.
4. Jake Berman - Little Giants
This little man could get tackled by the wind. Not to mention the fact that he needs extra padding, is frightened by competition (“Somebody call 911!”), and wears glasses on the football field. C’mon, Jake. Get some recs specs, son.
5. Pretty Much Everyone On This Team - The Bad News Bears
Aside from Kelly and Amanda, that team lacked some serious talent. And discipline. I’m surprised they were even able to tie their shoes correctly. Put those kids on any other team and they are instantly granted “Bat Boy” status.
6. Alan Bosley - Remember The Titans
I can’t even tell you how many times Alan got beat on coverage. What I can tell you is that it is more times than he was named Player of the Week - five. In all honesty, those “Player of the Week” honors are more of a pat on the back than an actual recognition of skill. Just look how clean his jersey is. What’re you doing out there, Alan? Laundry?
7. Russ Tyler - D2: The Mighty Ducks
With all due respect to the knucklepuck, that shot takes forever to set up. The only way it works is if no one is around him. Which, in the real world, would never happen because Russ is a terribly slow skater, meaning he would never be able to create separation. He’s also overweight, so his endurance is probably low, as well.
8. Moonlight Graham - Field of Dreams
Can somebody please tell me why Moonlight Graham was invited to that dream game? When he reached the majors, he only played one inning, in a blowout game, and never even made a single play. And then he quit baseball for good because he didn’t want to hone his skills in the minors for another year. Give me a break.
Moonlight Graham was ridiculously inexperienced and lacked confidence at the plate. End of story.
9. Evelyn Gardner - A League of Their Own
There’s no crying in baseball! This sport has no room for your emotions, Evelyn! And you bring your annoying kid with you? Are you trying to be the worst teammate ever? Because that’s what you’re being right now, Evelyn. AND TAKE THAT DAMN TRUMPET AWAY FROM YOUR STUPID CHILD!
10. Marcus - Little Giants
Marcus is the most dangerous kicker in the league. Literally. He might kick you in the nuts. He also lacks power and accuracy when the field goal posts are not human arms. Newsflash: The uprights aren’t there to help your weak-ass kick, Marcus.
11. Jarius “G-Baby” Evans - Hardball
Yeah, I know G-Baby got shot and died, but I’m not going to let that distract me from the fact that he sucked at baseball. He weighed about as much as the bat, and he only had one hit the entire season. Which, by the way, never left the infield. It went about a foot beyond first base. In other words, even on his best day, he would still be out by a longshot.
12. Scotty Smalls - The Sandlot
Only Smalls could get a black eye from a simple game of catch in the front yard. Also, it should be noted that the “stand out there and stick your glove out in the air” move does not work. The opposing team is not filled with Benny Rodriguez’s.
13. Rashid “Hot Hands” Hanon - Little Giants
If football was played with toilet paper, Hot Hands would be the best receiver in the country. Unfortunately, football is played with a football, and that is something he cannot catch. There’s a reason he didn’t make the Cowboys. Also, cheating is not permitted, yo! Get that shit off your hands.
14. Triscuitt Messmer - Angels in the Outflied
Even with the help of an angel, Triscuitt could barely make it around the bases. In terms of acceleration and pure speed, Triscuitt Messmer is the worst person ever.
15. Fulton Reed - The Mighty Ducks
Sure, his slapshot had some intense speed and power, but it was a ridiculously wild shot. Hitting your target one out of five times is not something to brag about, Fulton. That’s like a pitcher hitting three batters, throwing one in the dirt, but then firing one super great strike.
And let’s not forget that HE CAN’T EVEN SKATE!
16. Brucie - The Longest Yard
I truly do not understand how Brucie made the Mean Machine team. Honestly, how in the world did he not get cut the second he showed up? Are you seriously trying to tell me that Brucie belongs on the same field as Goldberg, Michael Irvin, Terry Crews, Nelly, Bob Sapp, and the 7’1” 350 lb. Dalip Sing? I don’t think so.
17. Danny Hemmerling - Angels in the Outfield
Danny Hemmerling needed an angel to literally stop the baseball from moving, in order to get a hit. That’s the kind of talent we’re talking about here. And even then, he only chopped the ball about as far as the pitcher’s mound. Which probably would have resulted in an out, but an angel had to step in again and move the ball, so Hemmerling wouldn’t be thrown out.
18. Timmy Moore - Little Giants
Timmy doesn’t like football, he doesn’t want to play football, and he dresses up as a cowboy. And not a Dallas Cowboy. We’re talking about a western cowboy. Ugh. He just needs to go, like, now.
19. Rocky Balboa - Rocky Balboa (The Sixth Movie)
Okay, technically, this isn’t a team sport, but anyone boxing in their late 50’s needs to get the f*ck out of the ring. Even if you did single-handedly end the Cold War. Which Rocky totally did.
20. Buddy - Air Bud: Spikes Back
Dogs can’t play volleyball, Disney. Everybody knows that.
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