"Oh honey, you're just in time. I made you this leaf. No, you can't have anything else, I spent a hundred hours on it."
2. Getting Dressed
"You know what would look great on you? The itchiest sweater known to mankind. Don't worry, it's a turtleneck."
"Derrick is such a nice boy, and he's very handsome. Did you know his father is a dentist?"
4. Watching TV
"You watch too much garbage. Have you heard of JAG? It's this terrific TV show that was cancelled a few million years ago. You'll love it. Why are you crying? SIT DOWN AND WATCH JAG WITH YOUR OLD MAN."
"You've got to get up early tomorrow. I don't want you staying up late, you need your rest."
6. Getting a Pet
"No dice, you know your mom has allergies."
7. Or Naming Your Pet
"How about we name him JAG? Seriously, have you seen JAG? It probably got cancelled because it was too good."
8. Getting Candy at the Grocery Store
"No candy. It'll give you nightmares."
9. Choosing the Music in the Car
"You kids just don't appreciate music anymore. Sure, our parents said the exact same thing to us, but what did they know. Here, listen to this recording of a trumpet being drowned in a bathtub filled with knives and try to tell me it isn't catchy."
"8 p.m. No exceptions."