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Why You Should Get Off The Internet Right Now

It's not because the sun is shining. The sun hasn't shone in 12 years, but you haven't noticed because you've been browsing glitter graphics all this time.

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Listen, nerd. The internet is a brain-sucking pool of [YOUTH INTEREST] and [YOUTH INTEREST] and you need to escape. I know it's tough, but you can get out. I, smug resident of Real Life St, will compel you to escape the web with these unquestionable, terrifying reasons to leave forever and come make awkward turtle pottery for the rest of your days with me in my internet-less cabin.


1. Every time you communicate online you actually pixelate part of the person you're speaking to. That's right, the internet actually degrades the person, sucking away a small fraction of their life force to keep producing pixels for every new word or screen. Don't let your life or the lives of your vague acquaintances be tragically cut short by this hidden danger.

2. Cat pictures are designed to induce parental feelings so that you become attached to your devices and forego procreation to instead maintain a blog or other disturbing digital replacement for a child. Experts estimate the human race will die out by 2060 if we don't circumvent this.

3. Your internet service provider sends your parents or legal guardians detailed information on how many 'wedding inspiration' images you have saved on Pinterest even though you're not getting married. And Obama. They all laugh behind your back about it and ruthlessly judge your taste in dresses and d├ęcor.

4. Jennifer Lawrence isn't real. She's a myth perpetuated by internet trowels. If you logged out you would know that.

5. Lizards plan to doxx everyone really soon and send them creepy letters in the post with a lot of very disturbing lizard poetry. The only way to shut them down and foil their evil poetry plan is if we all remove ourselves from the internet right now.

Good luck brave internet leavers. I'll be waiting out here in the real world to share a cup of hot rock juice (which we love to drink here) with you when you get here.

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