1. "You'd feel so much better if you just ate a few crackers."
Saltine crackers are for hungover sorority girls.
2. "At least you won't put on too much baby weight!"
How about you take that silver lining and gag yourself with it for three months straight and then we'll talk.
3. "Oh, that's too bad. I didn't have morning sickness with any of my pregnancies."
Hahahahahahaha. You're dead to me.
4. "Have you tried lemons/ potato chips/ watermelon/ pickled ginger? It really helped my co-worker."
Every food you just mentioned made me puke in my mouth a little bit. Thanks.
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5. "Oh you're sick all day? You must be having a girl!"
You must be a scientist.
6. "Well, you wouldn’t know it. You’re positively glowing!"
Thank you. But actually that's the sweat I broke kneeling over the toilet just now.
7. "Don't worry, it usually only lasts your first trimester."
That is three fucking months of vomit.
8. "You should try wearing sea bands!"
No.
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9. "Ginger helps with nausea."
YOU ARE THE VERY FIRST PERSON TO TELL ME THAT.
10. "Maybe if you just eat something?"
Maybe if you just STFU.
11. "I got so sick with my oldest. This one time at the grocery store..."
Let me stop you right there.
12. "Mind over matter!"
You're in my splash zone.
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13. "That's great! That means the baby is getting all its nutrients!"
Yup. Kids are so damn selfish.
14. "I hear weed helps with that."
Me too. But I don't want to give birth in jail.
15. "I want to help. Can I bring you some soup?"
Stop naming foods. Seriously.
16. "The dentist will see you now."
This is kind of an "exit only" situation we've got going on here.
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17. The very term "morning sickness."
Nope. This is an all-day event.
18. "Here! Smell this!"
Sure! Catch this!
19. "Enjoy this magical time!"
Obviously.
